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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 10:58 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thats great @Pepsimax hopefully that will help you. Crying is also a good release so well done

Not a problem @utopia im taking a break too (see other thread-taking a break)

Good luck at your appointment today @Zoe7 thinking of you and sending lots of hugs

In response to: Am Not Coping

PepsimaxSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:03 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I'm thinking of you too

In response to: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:08 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

All the best with your psychiatrist @Zoe7

I am sure s/he will be gentle with you on your first appointment - after all - they have to learn about us before they can comment

Yes - it would be great to be able to take someone with us when we have these appointments - having someone there to share with afterwards - how great - how scary - wow - did your lid blow off - etc

But write to us - we care - we understand - we have been there - after all

Take it gently - thinking of you

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:14 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Can you try and look at your appointment with this psychiatrist as I do.

I think today will be very gentle. I think she will start you (maybe) on some new meds or maybe an increase in one. I think she'll talk to you not about your trauma - but more about the fact that you're not coping, not sleeping, easily anxious, easily triggered and nightmares. I don't think you will need to say why. She has a bit of information already from your gp and psychologist. So she will know you need a gentle approach. And she sounds like she is a great psychologist & a compassionate person.
After your appointment with her - are you going to see your gp?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:23 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks everyone for your support @Owlunar @Pepsimax @Former-Member

@utopia I just got your post about how flat and exhausted you are - (I was just about to tell you not to reply to my last message when just like a little fairy from nowhere your name popped up on my screen)

That is pretty much exactly what my GP wrote down yesterday in a letter to give to her today - not coping, not sleeping, easily anxious, easily triggered and nightmares!

I'm not seeing my GP until tomorrow but she did say to call if I needed to and that she would be thinking of me today - she really is the sweetest

I will be thinking of you holding my hand - as usual @utopia.

I hope that you can rest up today and start to feel a little better yourself. I do really understand if you are not around later today - I will post how it goes and you get to it when you do - no pressure at all my friend - just take care of you!

All my love and hugs to you

Zoe

In response to: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:31 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yark!! @Zoe7 - The bottom of the well - I have been there - I know what it looks like

Is the bottom of you well damp and sticky or dry and arid? - Either are not pleasant but at least the bottom of the well means you can't fall any further - yes - I get it

There are things I don't want to post here either - I guess the thing is we don't know each other and for many things that is splendid - we can be more open with each other - but I am very careful what I say to anyone else about this website - all I say is that I post in a website and enjoy the social aspect - but we can never tell - maybe someone lives in the next suburb or the next street - or next door - scary thought

So yes - I like the privacy of it but keep certain things to myself - quite sure that telling anyone would not help at all.

But then - there are things I will talk about with anyone - within reason - I need to talk about my son - it's like I have to - I understand anyway

So you are in your present situation and trying to find some light - yes - I understand this - I am thinking about that because in the past I could not see any light but my own candle - and that flickered a lot - but now - okay the sun came out for a while and my cat finally got out of my bed so I can go and make it now - I can never bear to make the bed when the cat looks so snuggly and comfortable in there

It takes time - I know you are seeing a new psychiatrist this afternoon - all the best with that

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:34 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes I'll be holding your hand @Zoe7. Any time you feel your anxiety rising, just imagine me squeezing your hand for even extra support. So hold your hands together. Gentle squeeze when you feel anxious. That will be me.
You can do this. It will go so much better than you imagine. ♥♥♥♥

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember23 Mar 2017, 11:46 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thinking of you today @Zoe7, deep breaths and be kind to yourself after your appointment, it's good you can call your GP if you need, you can do this

In response to: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:47 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh dear @Faith-and-Hope

More and scarier eating disorders - that is really not at all good - and his doctor is into all the sport too

Yeah - I can see you sitting and looking at all of that - d'uh - for the rest of your life or the rest of his - horrible

Yes - all the what-ifs can drive us batty - but thinking of your husbands calling card to the world as a success story that is over-the-top fabulous - and his picture of all the accolades and his mother loving it when I know she has some kind of disorder as well - aw shucks - how do you live with that?

How do you live with that?

The thought of the meltdown being a very public revelation is not a pleasant thought - and yes - I care and as much as I can I understand - this is not a good place for him and it affects everyone else in the family

I am sorry

Dec

😒 💔

Aw hellsbells

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor23 Mar 2017, 11:48 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Apparently you have been with me all morning - I have been squeezing my hands since I got up - do that a lot when I'm anxious!!! So you are already with me - that is good news for me

I better be able to do this my friend - it has taken nearly 5 months to get in to see anyone!!!!!!

Make sure you look after yourself today - I will be holding onto you tight

@Owlunar It's really dsrk at the bottom of my well atm - and I HATE the dark!!! There's something I need to work through with NikNik today - and I am hoping that will help me feel more comfortable again back here - it is a sensitive issue - that is why I can't post anything specific about it. It doesn't affect anyone else on here but does affect how I interact here - if that makes sense.

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