Am Not Coping

Getting in early for tomorrow. Hugzzz 💜🌷🦉

@Zoe7 ❤️❤️

@Zoe7

Take care my gentle little butterfly @Zoe7 ❤❤❤

@Zoe7 xoxo

It's been a while since I have been here - which is actually a good thing. I saw my pdoc this morning and she is so happy with how I am doing and how far I have come. Last time we talked about how far I was falling again but also that I knew once I had the time to get back some energy, sleep and get some things in my life in order then there was a much greater chance that I could pull myself out of that darkness again ...and that I have done. It is still very much a 'work in progress' with the occasional nightmare, flashback and flat day - but the nightime fear has dissipated and I am feeling much better within myself (both physically and mentally).

We discussed today me going back to work fulltime and she thinks I can handle it now. I am still not sure myself but I do need the money and have that pressure to keep on track financially off my back. My pdoc agrees that would relieve some of the constant pressure and hopefully allow me to further move forward in my recovery. She was full of praise with how I have kept my head above water (mostly) with firstly the lower income protection money and then the reduced work hours. She also thinks that having my own class again will actually motivate me to want to be there fulltime. She remembers how passionate and positive I was when I had the class for a term last year and so is pleased I will have that again. I agree with her - I want to be back in the classroom with my own class and not running from one class to another for short lengths of time. It was great for half a year to get back into work but having my own class again after that gave me back both the passion for the job as well as the desire to teach.

I will be seeing her again in 3 weeks (the week before I go back to work) so we can re-asses how I am after the extended break. So alongside the cleaning up I am doing there will also be down times where I can relax and just BE. She suspects some of the anxiety will come back just before I go back to work - so she wants to check in to see if that is the case and how I am handling it all.

I also have the option of seeing my psych that week if need be ...at present we do not have any appointments booked but I am still on her books and she will fit me in if I need it. I also see my GP the week before and she also will fit me in if need be - so I have all bases covered if everything goes pear-shaped at any time.

It will take me time to get to know this new school, the staff and the processes they follow but it also exciting to be back on class as well as the prospect of teaching Art in the second half of the year. If I could have Toby with me then that would be my perfect scenario Tobes will have to get used to being at home by himself during the day again but it shouldn't take him long to get back into the routines and be able to cope on his own.

There is certainly more light in my life right now and that is blocking out much of the darkness ...that will always be there but hidden in the background. I have no doubt there will be moments (even days) of that darkness finding it's way out but for now I can not only see the light but am continuing to move towards it.

The challenges ahead are still pretty massive but I have more hope that they can be achieved. Staying on top of both my mental and physical health - and giving them equal time and effort is hard but essential ...baby steps but steps I am willing to take.

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@Zoe7 hey sweetie, I am so proud of you. You have done amazing. And you are progressing your career well. I am sure the financial rewards will follow. Hope you will have a good year ahead and consolidate all the good things in your life. Take good care.

Thanks Hon I am hoping this year is a turning point for me @Meowmy - so much progress already but still a long way to go ...but I can do it 👍

Hey @Zoe7 , such a nice post to read. Thanks for sharing your progress / update with us. I am confident you can handle the full time work, I think its natural to have some doubt and trepidation about it. As you said small steps. I'm hopeful you will have good support there and if you need to take a day off then thats you should do. You need to put yourself first at times.

I'm really hopeful you will get to teach the art class in the 2nd half of the year, I am sure they will see your skill and passion in that area and give you the green light. They'd be pretty silly not to make the most of the opportunity for themselves as well as the kids. I think its so important to have other outlets besides what maths, english and other stuff we spoon feed in our education system. It wasn't something that interested me when i was younger, I really only liked history and sports. I can and do see the real value in it now, to me its probably more important than any other skill you can teach someone.

It's really plesing to hear about your plan and the support that you have in place for when you go back to work. I think it would be natural to have some reservation, nerves and anxiety about it, you have done it before, you can do it again. You have Cat and Tobes in your heart.

The challenges might seem massive, but, keep breaking them down into smaller, manageable pieces like you have been.

Your spot on about staying on top of both your physical and mental health and well being. I have really been struggling with doing the former the last week or two, I normally find that the easier part. I'm pretty sure I know what it is, but, I won't go into it here.

It really made me happy to read your post and progress. I am really appreciative of the support you have given me, your wise words of encouragement to myself and others mean a lot. You are very articulate and have a way with words.

I always feel like a bit of an oaf bumbling around and butchering the english language 🙂 Please take care and give those troublesome fur babies a hug for Me 🙂

I think your express yourself and your thoughts very well @Gazza75 - no bumbling around at all - clear, supportive and articulate yourself

Teaching Art is the plan - it hinges on how much extra funding is being given to schools to inrease the non-contact time of teachers. That is all supposed to come into effect at the beginning of term 2 - thus the possible opportunity to teach Art. The Principal knows I have taught it before and it is one of my passions so she is planning for that to happen. Another positive is that by that stage of the year I will know more of the kids also so it won't be like walking into a new room with kids I have never met before. The only down-side is that it would not be enough hours for fulltime so I would have to pick up something else ....hopefully that is on the same class so I can have the best of both worlds.

I had the same passion for history and sports when I was younger too. I was 'steered' away from art and woodwork to take up Advanced Science and Maths (both of which I hated) ...and now if I could do art and woodwork all day I would be a happy little butterfly!

You have had a lot to deal with with the farm and the fires lately so it is no wonder that something has had to give. I am confident you will get back on track when you actually have a litte time to breath @Gazza75 👍