Am Not Coping

@mudsum

@Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7

👋💕 @Appleblossom .....

Hi @Appleblossom Lovely to see you Hon How have you been?

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7

Terrible terrible week. Son in hospital. Posted a little about it in thread about losing faith in humanity to gazza.

Oh @Appleblossom ..... 😳

Take care Hon. I will go looking for your post.

@Appleblossom 💛🧡💚💙💜 Going looking for your post to Gazza as well Hon

Nice to read you are doing a little better the last couple of days @mudsum These huge changes in your life can take time to process and deal with so give yourself that time once you meet the new people. Hope today has been kind to you

I have not been here for sometime as I really have not needed to but right now I can feel the darkness closing in again. I don't want to return to work and I don't want to do anything at home. It has beccome too much for me to even think about and that in itself is sending me further down the dark well. I need to avoid that sinking and drowning feeling but I fear I am already there. The last 4 days have been so difficult and I know it is not over yet. I have been numb to the shock of dealing with Cat and then Toby having a bad ear infection also made me feel a failure as a MUm to them both. It is often those little things that break us and knowing that my little boy was also not right was that breaking point for me. I know he didn't present with any symptoms and I have been so worried about Cat but to me that is my failure in caring for both of them. My head tells me that isn't the case but my heart is breaking with the possibility of losing Cat. Theree is more hope after yesterday than I could even imagine there would be but we ill not know until she is operated on on Thursday. I cannot see a world without her - certainly not yet. I know there will be a day when that is reality but she is not an old cat and I did not expect this to be happening for her. She is the sweetest little thing - so quiet, cuddly and beautiful in temperament and was my whole world before Toby entered our lives... those are very fond memories of when it was just her and I against the world. She came to me at a time when I really needed the company - after losing my previous cat - and she has brought nothing but joy into my life. I know I talk mostly abut Toby and the light he gives to me every day but Cat does that also in her own special way. It is devastating to think I may lose her and despite the more favourable news yesterday I still have that fear.

It has been 3 years since I first became unwell and then sunk into the deepest depths of depression as a result. I have felt back in that place over this last 4 days and it has not ony scared me but brought back all that I have been through. It is a hard place to be sitting right now and although I know I am in a very different place in my life now I still feel the enormity of it all. I will survive but for days now I have not wanted to and that scares me more than anything - if I can be back at that place so easily and readily then what is the future for me! Without my babies I cannot see past today - and having that thought does not allow me to move forward. I still have them in my life so life will continue on but the thought that one day I will not have either of them is affecting me in the here and now. Maybe it is just a period to get through and maybe Cat will be okay - but the pressure, stress and shock of all this has really affected me both physically and mentally - I feel lost again and have no impetus to keep going ...but I will for my babies and surprisingly for my family. They have been amazing over the last few days and that has been very unexpected with the history I have had with them. WIthout that support and the love of all those around me right now I would have gone under - holding my head above water is just that little bit easier with their help ...and of course with my fur babies with me. Today life is just hard though - and very much a day to get through. Tomorrow I have the meeting with HR to talk about next year - that is filling me with anxiety as well - but then I also have pdoc so that external support will be there with whatever happens with HR. It is timely as I really need it at the moment. I should consider myself lucky to have things in place to support me but I still feel like I am drowning again - not much else I can do but take it a day at a time I supose and keep myself safe in the moment ...it is just so hard!

Hey @Zoe7 . I’m sorry things have been so hard at the moment. I can imagine all the things piling up in your heart and head.

My world finally caught up with me last night and today with having lots of similar thoughts and feelings (about different things). It was the first time in a long time I rang the help centre to help me find a way through today and stay safe. It helped then I slept it all off.

Like you there is lots of unknowns in my life currently and I think they ramp up all the bad thoughts. ......and before I forget you haven’t done anything but care for your beautiful animals. I’d think they get looked after better than you do from you 😘.

I hope cat gets through surgery on Thursday and that the hr meeting goes ok. They are two big ones. Be gentle with you. 💜🤗