Am Not Coping

Thanks @MDT It is a job I used to love and definitely have glimpses of that with the role I am currently doing.

@eth I am permanent so they have to find a position for me - it is just the not knowing where that gets hard. Once I am 'attached' to a school on class it will be easier - just wish I knew where that would be and have everything crossed it can be at this school - though chances of that are not good.

Thank you @Sans911 I would havem preferred to stayunder the radar (as I thought it was going to be) but luckily only a few people knew me there so I didn't have any eyes on me - that is when I feel uncomfortable - I don't like being 'seen'. The ceremony itself onlywent for about 45 minutes and I left straight afterwards. There was an all day forum on today but I couldn't go because of work ...maybe next year.

How are you going Hon? Is that assignment progressing?

hi @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope

how are you today? are you looking forward to your travels F&H?

I am having a really difficult time of it. My mental health is not good and it's bothering me, I feel like an angry, unlikeable mess that isn't fit to be around people, not even in an online environment. Am I the only one who gets angry with mental illness? I never get teary I just get restless & furious. I've pulled away from my friends this weekend because one friend offended me & has been very unsupportive so I don't want to go to his bbq and some other friends are kind of "fair-weather" freinds who I can't confide in, they seem to require happy times only and I couldn't be bothered putting on mascara & spending money anyway. So now I'm stuck alone at home & feel like I'm walking on egg-shells trying not to be feral. I'm seeing a friend and then family tomorrow & not looking forward to it anymore as I feel so feral & resentful - I try very hard to be a good aunt so I bought my nephew a special b'day gift but now I just feel resentful & dont' want to go. I feel like a monster.

That all sounds incredibly hard @BryanaCamp It is super hard to be around people when we feel like you do. Sometimes we just need to get through the days until we get through this. You are definitely not a monster Hon - your depression has a hold of you and that is tough. Everything feels so much more magnified when this happens - emotions seem out of control and things in our life seem too hard to cope with. It may be a good thing for you to attend this family thing tomorrow - even if it is just a little while ...make an appearance, give the gift, stay for a little while and then leave when you have had enough. You may even find it is easier than you expect.

As for your so-called friend - you don't need that when you are struggling (or any time). Some people are not capable of the kind of support you need but that is their issue to deal with. It does make us feel worse sometimes but we cannot control what others say or do - what we can control is the contact (or lack of) that we have with those people. What you need to do is decide if the friendship you have is worth keeping knowing that they are like they are and not supportive of your MI.

Is this friend you are seeing tomorrow supportive? If they are then it might be good to see them - keeping the lines of communication open with one of your friends can be a positive. Then you can go to the family event for a little while and feel good about being a 'good' aunt. Something to get you out of the house at least.

thank you @Zoe7 you're always so even handed & reasonable. I tend more to the hysterical.

Yeah, the friend I'm seeing tomorrow is nice but a male friend and male friends, in my experience & don't mean to generalise on gender, sometimes don't grasp the complexity of emotional situations, seem to be more in fixing mode and things as "black & white". Whereas all I want to talk about is all the shades of grey as that's what I think a lot of life is.

I do feel guilty for being angry. A lot of people get weepy when they're upset but I get angry which I always try to hold in as I don't want to hurt people but it's still there in my thoughts.

how are you going @Zoe7 I know you weren't feeling the best the last few days. You seem to be a very private person so I don't want to pry. Has F&H begun her travels?

Despite your friend seeming to be a bit emotionally distant @BryanaCamp it might be nice just to have that interaction tomorrow. Don't put too much pressure on yourself - just go with the flow. It might be that you an't talk to this friend about what is actually going on for you but the connection you have doesn't necessarily need to be based on sharing you most inner thoughts. Not all friendships need to be about sharing such things - some can just be two people getting together, enjoying each other's company, talking about mundane things and knowing that you will walk away just as you have begun with a connection to someone. I think if we have expectations that everyone in our lives need to or should know about all our thoughts and feelings then it can get overly complicated.

I am okay. Feeling a bit better than I did earlier in the week. Not nearly as flat but sleep is still an issue. Not working today has helped as I have had a couple of naps ...and the footy is on so I have been occupied also. We lost today but you get that - can't win them all! Heading out to my sister's place tomorrow for lunch for Mother's Day ...it is close to my place so I won't be out too long and Mum and Dad are coming down from their place. I will take Toby with me as well - he loves my sister. I have done a little housework today in between naps and footy so not a lot to get done tomorrow before I am back to work on Monday.

you are right @Zoe7 . My friends is really earnest which I always find endearing and sincere. I agree it can be good to keep the convo neutral, it's fine to just discuss the news and current affairs...and the weather.

And sport! but shame on me I don't follow sport. Sorry things didn't go your way today

I am so glad you're feeling a bit better than earlier in the week. It sounded like you were going through a heavy time & things just aren't right at the forum when you're down . I don't think I could manage the work hours/days that you do and admire that. I am glad you have had some rest today & a bit of housework out of the way so you can enjoy tomorrow. Family gatherings can be a bit stressful with family politics but I hope your tomorrow is nice & has some warmth & family love. That is lovely you can take Toby

If F&H is off on her travels I hope you are ok. Your bosom friendship is very touching & I'm fond of you both & aware that if she's away that would leave a hole of kinds for you. She always seems to know just what to say & I see you're very close 🙂

No F&H isn't away OS yet but is in the west supporting her D1 right now. She is super busy with assignments as well and while I miss her when she isn't around it is more important for her to get on top of her uni work and be there for her D1 @BryanaCamp. We do have a pretty special bond but I know she is always with me even when she cannot be here - that is true friendship

I have no doubt the conversation tomorrow will include horse talk - not my thing at all so that is good that I will have Toby with me as a distraction. My whole family are heavily into horse racing and I hate it ...definitely the black sheep in the family! I usually have my sister's partner to chat to but he is away for work at the moment so this little black sheep will be on her own. Hopefully the horse talk will be kept to a minimum though.