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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 11:51 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

💚🦋💐💜🌷💕 @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

OwlunarSenior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 1:36 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope

It's great to see you back here - I don't know if you have been on the west coast or overseas - but I do hope everything worked out well and that everyone is as okay as they can be

Of course - all this moving around must feel chaotic -

Glad you are back

Dec

In response to: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 2:16 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Sam3 thanks for the shout out.

I am okay. Just okay. Caught up with a friend for brunch. Then went to look at bookstores and DVD/music store.

Just haning about today. Told my sister and mum I might go to hospital but not 100% on it. Might go home and do nothing instead.

At the moment just sitting down. Watching the world go by.

Might get a coffee and a snack later at a place I like.

I'm still not sure on a lot of things

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 4:24 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @MDT @Sam3 @Appleblossom @frog @Owlunar and all passing through...

Had a very busy day starting with GP appointment at 8.30. Struggled through DBT today - very tired and then pdoc. Talked to her about some of my concerns and while it didn't make a lot of difference to how I am feeling it was good to get some of it off my chest. Feeling very much like I won't be able to live up to expectations but also that it is going to be too much for me. My pdoc reminded me that I got through work last year with all the pressures I had on me there and whilst that didn't really change how I am feeling about myself it is something I need to remember I did get through.

Then attended a productivity meeting for Mental Health as part of a national review. I actually spoke which is unusual for me - I usually attend these kind of things and listen.

Home now and very tired. Also a bit anxious about work tomorrow - I would prefer to know exactly what I will be doing but that hasn't been forthcoming so will need to wait and see how tomorrow unfolds. I think the previous experiences I have had with not working in a supportive environment is certainly adding to my anxiety. As much as this new school seems a lot different in its culture I am also reluctant to believe the reality will be that it is that way. That is something I suppose I will find out in due course but history is working against me at the moment and my mind won't let me believe it will be okay.That previous principal has certainly impacted my thinking and not in a good way!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 5:08 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 Sounds like an intense day. Hope you get some rest for tomorrow

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 5:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Definitely going to be an early night here @MDT

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 5:16 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

me too i think @Zoe7

I've had a big day out. Was nice to break up the monotony

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember06 Feb 2019, 5:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 , and thank you for providing the update, despite not feeling so good right now. You know you have a lot of us here worried about you and hoping all is going well. Certainly today was a full day for you, and no doubt very draining. I'm not going to tell you to stop worrying ... as that would be very hypercritical of me and totally unrealistic. I think sometimes we are just born worriers! But perhaps try thinking about exactly what it is you are worrying about? And then determine whether that concern is warranted or if it has any basis for reality. You say you are worried that you will not live up to expectations. Is that your own expectation of you, or what you perceive others' expectations to be about you? Have you ever led anyone at your work to believe you are something you're not?

Its understandable that you're tired. Its your first week back at work, you are still getting used to the routine of work. As to the culture of your working environment in your new school? Not all workplaces are the same ... some are good .. some not so. Sounds like you've had the experience of a not so good one. Go in with the expectation that this new workplace is at the very least a 'better' one, and it may well turn out to be a 'good' one. Lets hope so.

You are back doing what you're plainly very good at, and highly dedicated in doing. You will thrive and the kids you nurture will thrive. Its a win/win situation. So take a deep breath, do something relaxing this evening, do some self pampering and have a good nights sleep tonight. Tomorrow ... go with fully justified confidence to your first day with the kids back in school.

You're a star .. in every way ... and we all know that. One day .. you too will realise it.

Sherry 💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor06 Feb 2019, 5:37 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thank you @Former-Member Self-doubt is high on my list right now. Everyone at this new school has been very welcoming and it is my own thoughts of myself that are causing me to think the way I am. I suppose only time will tell how I deal with everything.

I think I need to head off forum for now Hon - I just can't think at the moment. I might come back on later - see how I feel.

Your words here do make a difference I just need to believe them myself - I know you know how that is. Take care of yourself and little Holly @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember06 Feb 2019, 5:46 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @Zoe7 I do understand. I hope I didnt say something wrong though? Try to find something relaxing to do this evening. Get those jumbled thoughts in order. And when you are ready ... not before .. come back.

Please take care.

Sherry 💕

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