Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7

I don't get on line on Fridays because I have busy days most Fridays - and it's okay not to tag me - I answer what I can and I don't try to respond to everyone - I have special people - you are one of them - that I try to answer everyday I am posting

But I do know what it is to feel shoved aside - I was in another site in the US - and I feel as if I gave a lot of my energy - but not really appreciated - so for other reasons I left and found here people really care about each other - and people share so much here - we are trusted with so many stories.

I couldn't deal with all of them and that's okay - we can only do what we feel okay about and for as long as we feel okay about it

How am I? I have chronic pain syndrome and it has been very uncomfortable today - and today I have a driver take me to the supermarket - and I also got my gd a birthday present - she has moved into her own flat - her first trip out of home - my dd was only 17 when she moved out first - I missed her a lot - and was thrilled that she came home but she had taken that step - and she moved out again with her HTB - and now gd has made that step

I got her a chopping board made with different kinds of wood and a glass bowl that could be a mixing bowl or a fruit bowl or an ornament - and put mint tea and coffee and some Munchies - I love to spend money on her -

The world can push against us and knock us around or disappear when we could use someone - there are times when the world can be so unkind - and then - other times surprise us

Seeya at the party tomorrow

Dec

@utopia I'm sure no-one has any idea what I am referring to in regards to organising something - it would be so inconsequential as you said to anyone else but at the time (and still now) it felt like it was just something else taken away - and you're right - the person involved (not a forum member) would have no idea, infact I think they thought they were doing a good thing. I've had such a sh*t few weeks and that was just one more thing to add to the pile.

At present I don't trust anything anyone says. I'm trying to trust some people on here but have been hurt so many times that I am really doubting myself more than anyone else's intentions. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. There have been too many let-downs and kicks this week. Each time I think maybe I could get through it and there is some hope - another kick. Every small bit of joy has been quickly extinguished by heartache again and the resulting pain of knowing I allowed myself some hope.

Sorry - I've done it again - more of my shite!!!!!!

Poor Dog - must be so dirty (and smelly!!!). Glad Max and Abbey behave for you though. Does Dog like swimming?

Oh Dec that is so nice of you to say I don't feel special to anyone or anything at the moment. I even feel like my fur babies are not being treated well - I know they are because they come first before anything but it's just the state I'm in!

I've pretty much started doing the same. There are some people here that I really care about and try to respond to - but that is getting harder and harder for me. It actually really bothers me if I can't support someone else so sometimes I just have to keep a distance - but let them know I am listening and I care from afar for now.

That is so lovely that you bought all those things for your gd. I remember how special the first things my nan bought me when I first moved out were - still have the little fold up table over 20 years later! Your gd is a very lucky girl

I can't imagine your pain @Decadian Hope you are staying as comfortable as you can.

I don't think I'll be at the party tomorrow - it is a very special day for Bluebay and I don't want to affect the mood at all. You guys need to help distract her from how nervous she will be and to keep her spirits up. I'm not in a place to be able to help with this or to help her.

Hope you guys all have a great time though and you can tell me all about it later.

Zoe

@utopia I must have more trust in you than I am willing to admit because I am still here and still talking. It does seem like I have a target on my back though and I am really sensitive - think that is the case with so many people with a MI. @Former-Member talked a lot about trust a while back and what she said made a lot of sense. I wish I had met her years ago then some of the pain now may have been avoided. Then again - maybe I wouldn't have done anything differently and I would still feel like this - don't know - just know the abandonment and emotional turmoil has really cut deep this time.

Dog seems to be a bit like Toby - we take them for a swim and they come out dirtier than before they went in - Dog with dirt and Toby with sand - gotta luv 'em

Hi @Zoe7

I understand that feeling of not being special to anyone - I was Dad's favourite - but my mother - oh boy - she really lost the plot when Dad died - and she has a way of really hurting with her tongue - but she has died now too and I am a lot better since then

Like she did her worst - you know - once someone toxic in your life dies they can't do any more harm. It would have been nice to have been special to my mother - but then I reflect when I was in my teens Dad would take me shooting or to the museum without the other kids and this was special

But don't let the work in the site get to heavy - on days you feel like it - do as much as works for you - if it's not people will still support you - we understand - we can't be helpful to all the people all the time -

You are having a rough time - with trust issues etc - give yourself time

My back pain - that has gone on for so long - it started in the winter fo 95 and if I had thought about it going on for so long at the beginning that would have been a bleak thought - but I didn't - today I think my pain was hitting 10 - because I was at the doctors as I felt like fainting - and the doctor gave me an injection for it - and it's much better tonight

People have such rotten things go wrong with their health - personally I am glad to have the devil I know - which is an attitude that works for me, What I do know is that emotional pain is worse than physical pain and reading about people's lives here I know people really really hurt

All best Zoe

Dec

@utopia I'm going to log onto the SCBS for a little while - think I really need to and don't want to call GP or psych. If you are still around when I finish we can talk again otherwise hope you have a good sleep and will catch up tomorrow.

and

@Decadian I was very special to my Nan but she passed away 20 years ago. My GP keeps trying to convince me I am special to other people but I don't see it at all - just a tiny fish in a really large ocean -nothingspecial at all!

So glad you got some relief for your pain today and you are a little more comfortable tonight

I think the emotional pain can be so much worse than the physical pain sometimes because it is often harder to treat.

Take care of yourselves @utopia @Decadian

Sending you love

Zoe