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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 7:55 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

ANd stop dwelling on the negatives so much and instead searching out the positives @BlueBay really helps.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:01 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

If only it was that easy @Zoe7

i know I write a lot of negative stuff on here but it’s how I feel at the time. It’s really difficult to find a positive when I’m so caught up in my negative thoughts.

Maybe i I need to talk to someone in how to stop dwelling on my negative thoughts.

In response to: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:02 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sounds like an enjoyable day @Zoe7
I am glad you enjoyed it.
Til Saturday most likely. At this point I want to come home tomorrow. But then again it might be nice to see some extended family tomorrow and Friday. I'm just a bit sick of my sister and dad always arguing and she fusses about like a five year old.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:04 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That would be a really good thing to talk with your psych about @BlueBay. It isn't easy but once you start doing it more the easier it does get. There will always be times when the negatives take over but it is about sitting with those emotions and then moving on to the positives also.

In response to: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:06 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Setting expectations works when the expectations are realistic and achievable @BlueBay

I am the same about being too harsh on myself. Over time that has changed for the better and one thing that helped the most was realising that I don't have to impress anyone.

I think the same is the case for you my friend. Don't ever give yourself a reason to treat yourself badly.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:07 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Makes it hard when there is constant conflict in the family @MDT so I can see why you would like to be home. Enjoy the moments you can get with the extended family as best you can and remember how far you have come with your social interactions over this past year - and take confidence in how far you have come with your MH also.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

BlueBaySenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:13 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@MDT I always treat myself badly. Always putting myself down. Like I don’t deserve to do well. Don’t deserve to be hsppy or positive.

If I’m writing to much negative stuff on here that’s hard for me to write positive.

I don’t have any confidence in myself at all. No nothing. I am a very shy quiet reserved person. Sometimes naive with the world.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:16 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Indeed @Zoe7 but they are still family and I still love them. The friends we can't choose as I always say.

Yeh. I sort of realised how far I'd come with my MH when I was overseas. Was about 3am in the morning after being out for drinks. Weird. But I think i have learned a good deal about myself and so much of that actually can't be put into words. It's hard to articulate just how much I have learned.

The whole thing with my sister is annoying. The whole thing with my dad is even weirder... And still going... But I guess it is what it is in all its frailty.

"We think more than we can say. We feel more than we can think. We live more than we can feel. And there is much more still."

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

MDTSenior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:22 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Being shy or quiet isn't bad. I think quiet types have more to say whereas the extroverts tend to say anything really.

It's all a trade off.

Sometimes it helps to locate reasons why you feel this way. Any ideas? @BlueBay

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Dec 2018, 8:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

We have definitely seen how far you have come from our perspective @MDT and it really is lovely to see. You have done all that work yourself and I hope with that is coming a new level of confidence within yourself because you really do have so much going for you buddy.

I like that quote and it is all so true - often we feel things so deeply that we cannot actually put those feelings into words but the trick is being able to sit with those feelings and not let them take over every second of our existence ...and that is not always easy.

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