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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Just between you and me (lol) I can be a bit of a self-pity party person (that's got a cool ring to it) @Zoe7. But it is also good to get yourself up and out of it when you can too 🙂

That sounds like Christmas shopping without spending your money or needing to visit a shop which is about as great as Christmas shopping would get I think 😆! I finished up gathering some bits and pieces for little two today which was exciting as I had ordered things late and they only just made it on time.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That is good news @CheerBear It is always tricky at this time of year to get things on time. I think doing some of the searching tonight will help us get things tomorrow and reduce the amount of time we have to spend in the crowds. My sister wants to possibly meet me in the city which no doubt tomorrow will be super busy - just getting parking will be a nightmare but if that is where she wants to go then happy to meet her. Meeting Dad at one of the larger shopping centres (there really aren't that many in the Hobart area lol) but we should get in an out early enough so I can meet my sister afterwards and then get home by early afternoon.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope say hi to Visual and D2 from me Hon and give yourself a big hug from me. I hope you took your butterfly brooch with you and wear it to think of me. I think my sister is getting me some paint brushes for Christmas so that will be lovely - it is something I suggested to her and she usually gets what I suggest

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I read that you were going out with your dad tomorrow but not also with your sister @Zoe7. I don't think I could do it and definitely not in the city. I really hope it's as easy and quick as it can be for you.

I barely coped with the 'big' shop this year. I say big but is really just a supermarket, a department store and some smaller stores. It's a little plaza but it is bigger than the standalone, quiet supermarket I go to. I did most of mine through online shopping for the first time as I was struggling to face the shops after the wonky over the last month.

Is Sunday quieter for you? (Sorry if you've already mentioned that).

Also (re the message above the last I posted) I really hope for you that you are able to be in a more supportive environment with work where you are able to contribute and be part of the school/work community too.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I haven't started the peacock painting yet but haven't been in the right headspace with all this work stuff @Faith-and-Hope Maybe when I come back from my sister's tonight I can think about starting to sketch it out. I would love to have something this coming week to post to you and I know @outlander would like to see as it progresses too.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @CheerBear - I hope so too - it used to be like that at this school but a change of principal and most of the teaching staff changed all that. Fingers crossed for a better outcome in the coming months for me - I can only continue to be me and do the job I do love and see how it goes.

Yes Sunday is a quiet day - nothing planned but resting - and maybe mowing the grass if the weather is nice ...and I am up to it. Methinks after today and the day I will have tomorrow that I might not be up to it. Monday is supposed to be hot here so I may take Tby to the beach and then help my sister get things organised for christmas day if she needs the help.

This coming week I am going to start to get rid of anything that I don't need from that school - planty of old papers etc. to go through and shred. Will be somewhat of a cleansing of anything related to that school and I am sure it will feel good.

I did a lot of online shopping last year as I wasn't capable of putting up with the shops or the crowds either - this year I have done most of my shopping in a couple of days so not as taxing on me. I haven't got much for anybody but I know they will understand because they know I don't have the money.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Sounds like some great plans in there @Zoe7, both in the coming days and into work next year. A clean out of things can be very cathartic, plus it helps with being organised (which is something I benefit from!).

Hope your Sunday works out in a way that is good for you after your busy couple of days/weeks ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

The more I think about it the more likely it will be a rest day @CheerBear - very tired now but am going to go and visit my sister. Toby would certainly love that too. Will catch up with you later. Thank you soooo much for being here and for understanding - it really has helped Hon 💜💙💚🧡💛

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope will try to catch you later to Hon - still love seeing those support hits and it gives me a heartlift to know you are around.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Go you with going and seeing your sister @Zoe7. I really hope you, Toby and sister have an enjoyable evening.

It was lovely to sneak in some Zoe time this evening. You've kept me company while I've folded a mountain of clothes and tidied up a little 🙂

👋🌈💗
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