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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I know you get that special connection with someone here @CheerBear and how much it can hurt when they are not around - I still have those missing feelings for you and her also Hon Thank you for being here and I know others have my back too with F&H not being able to be here - that is the wonderful thing about the forum - I know I am not alone just have those feelings today more than any other day. I did know it would be tricky for me ending up at work today - it has been over 10 years at that school and I have done a lot there over that time.

I also know that F&H would be wishing she was here too today and need to remember she is always with me even when she is not - that is what my head says but my heart is missing her today. I know you get that CB

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:07 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I really hear you @Zoe7 (and thank you for hearing me even when I haven't really spoken). It's OK and totally understandable to have those feelings, both the missing F&H ones and the ones that have come from your tricky day. You've worked so hard at this for a long time and to have it end the way it has would feel pretty awful I think.

I wish you had the recognition and appreciation you clearly deserved there.

Mega hugs from one heart that has a hurty hole in it to another 💗

In response to: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:15 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Glad you are taking some me time this afternoon @Zoe7. Sounds like you need it after the trying day you have had

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I really feel for you CB as we know F&H will be back but the not knowing with the hurty hole in your heart is horrible @CheerBear I do often think about that hole for you - and miss them terribly too - but it is that special connection you had that makes it hurt just that little bit more ...and the not knowing adds to that hole. Both of us can only hope and wish that they are alright and can find a way back to us one day - that is my wish for you ...and them. I do feel a little selfish at times with missing F&H as there are so many wonderful people here that have supported me along the way - but you get it - there are those special connections that do mean a little more to us - that is not right or wrong ...it just is - and that is ok. I know others here have been trying to support me through this time (and I do appreciate that). I know there have been many positives for me lately and there are bound to be rough days still - funny thing is I miss my friend just as much in both the good and bad times - she is always the first person I want to tell things to and despite knowing I still can it is hard being a one way conversation. Just feeling sorry for myself this afternoon hey!

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:21 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It actually helps having you here as well as the others around me this afternoon @Snowie I am definitely needing the feeling of being wanted and valued and not one bit ashamed to ask for that this afternoon.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:33 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Well you are definitely wanted and vlaued here @Zoe7. I am glad you can reach out for that support on here hon

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:34 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Something is going off inside me as I sit wanting to say things I probably shouldn't @Zoe7. I truly thank you for being able to see and get it, and hope you can understand if I can't really talk about it. I do understand how complicated it can feel (maybe complicated isn't exacly the right word) when you miss someone even when there are lots of others though. As you said, it is pretty natural and very OK to have a stronger connection with some people. You and F&H have a beautiful connection. It would be very hard to be having that one way conversation.

It's OK to be sad and to be feeling sorry for yourself.

I'm going to head off and get some little butts moving with some packing for the next couple of days. Hearing you, getting it and sitting with you, not far away if you feel like some company or a quiet little nudge from under a support button.

❤ in bucketloads

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:42 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It is just a tough day @Snowie - one that I knew was going to come but hoping I think that it wouldn't. I know I have been having some really good days lately and am trying to remember them but today is hard. Recognising that doesn't make it any less so though.

How are you doing today Hon?

@CheerBear You don't need to say anymore - I get why they are not here - know the community guidelines pretty well and hoping they will be able to and able to come back to us. Thank you for being here for me - knew you would be when I needed - that is a special connection too Hon. Love and hugs to you and the LF and I look forward to seeing you under the support button

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

SnowieSenior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 4:54 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

We have those hard days hon, and you are right, acknowledging them does not make it any easier. Hopefully talking on here make it a little easier for you.

I am going ok today @Zoe7, prn helping.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor21 Dec 2018, 5:09 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Just spoke to my sister @Snowie and she is beyond angry at what happened - or didn't happen - today. She wanted to come around to give me a hug but I asked her not to - think I would completely lose it if she did - I might go around to her place a bit later if I feel up to it but right now being alone is best.

Glad the prn is helping and you are doing okay

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