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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 1:59 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7

we will float with you forever if thats what it takes. Please take care of your self.

Please dont give up. Your butterflies are with you

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:03 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. That's the worst part of anxiety. The worry about the future. I really understand that.
Today, as hard as it is, try not to think about the future, about work, anything. Those things are for another day. Not today.
Can you sit in your back garden? Just sit and breathe and look at the flowers. Scratch Toby behind the ears, or his favorite place to be scratched. Let Cat rub against your legs as she walks past you.
Do you have any yellow flowers blooming at the moment? I love yellow flowers. The only ones I have are the weeds growing up near the driveway. But there sunny yellow faces are beautiful.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:11 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia It's too windy outside - just adding to me feeling sh*t. Toby is asleep - and he's in my bad books. He must have jumped off the bed during the hour or so I was alseep and spread the rubbish bag throughout the house - I didn't have the energy to take it out and thought it would be safe while he was on the bed - don't know what he ate! Cat is in her room. I haven't moved from the couch in days.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Just rest where you are @Zoe7. If you have energy later, pick up a few bits of rubbish on your way to the bathroom or kitchen, tie them up in a shopping bag and toss them into the laundry trough or somewhere out of Toby's reach. Papers don't matter. Leave them on the floor for the fur-babies to entertain themselves with. Just anything that can go off.

Other than that, everything can wait for a return in energy.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Naughty Toby. Maybe he'll get a tumm6 ache from whatever he ate & learn his lesson @Zoe7. But I doubt it. My Labrador will never learn. She sniffs out things to eat - that half the time aren't edible!!
The couch is a good place to sit or lie down. Do you have your favorite blanket with you? Or your favorite piece of material? I tend to rub my dressing gown against my cheek. I love the soft velvet feel of it. It's comforting.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

A paddle board class is going past me on the river. There must be 20 of them ... high schoolers .... standing on boards and obviously tired cos they're coming back from somewhere ..... not much paddling happening .....

Some have sat down on their boards ....

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope. Lol. That would be me. Would love to try paddle boarding, but with my fitness level - or lack of it - I'd probably only do 5 minutes and then sit down.

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:30 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

And @Zoe7. You really don't want to know what I've caught Dog eating. Even I wish I didn't know the half of it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember16 Mar 2017, 2:32 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7

Here's one I remember. Close your eyes (if you can, . . it makes me nervous) and imagine your laying on a cloud. A big beautiful soft fluffy white cloud. Slowly you feel the sensation of your heals sinking into it, and it is a wonderful feeling - like every drop of vapour is massaging exactly the right spots. Soon you realize that your calves are following, slowly, gently sinking in. Eventually you notice that both your legs are totally relaxed, there's magic in the vapour of this cloud. I like to think of it repairing everything it touches, your skin, bones and muscles. You've never experienced your spine release as it does as it gently floats down in the cloud. Your shoulders completely let go. There is no panic, no pain, as your head furrows in - it won't cover your face unless you want it to. Now you are totally relaxed, from head to toe, but you know it's still healing you. So you want to stay there and let it heal.

I'm a lunatic and that's ok
I scream all night
and I cry all day 😄 😄 😄

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor16 Mar 2017, 2:39 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Haven't had my kayak out for so long - can't lift it to put on the roof racks - used to be able to lift it up with one arm!!!!

Toby has been on his bed all day - knows he's in trouble.I'm used to him finding the cat poo to eat and having to get that off him -yuck!!!!

I was supposed to meet my mum later today in town. She rang and asked if I could drive her instead. When I said I was going to the shop first she said don't worry about going then. I got really angry and snapped at her - I was only leaving going to the shop because it would only be one trip out doing that and then meeting her. She has to make everything such a drama. Now I have to go to the chemist earlier - so 2 trips out today that I really don't have the energy for - and have to wait for mum to finish what she's doing and bring her back to pick uo her car. She manages to drive herself fine when she is doing something on her own - emotional blackmail yet again - if I don't drive her she won't go - WTF!!!

Don't need this sh*t right now. More tears- more anxiety - chest is about to explode

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