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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I am missing my visits to the pool @Zoe7 ...., but the time has to go to other things at the moment.

Science can be so much fun ..... but you know that already. I think it’s a great subject to have as the last one for the week.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I didn't make it to the pool today either @Faith-and-Hope I fell asleep and slept through the time I usually go. I could have went later but the group that goes at that time is very noisy nd that is not something I could deal with today.

I am still tired - that says that yesterday took more out of me than I recognised last night.

I am going to relax for the rest of today now as tomorrow is going to be long and draining - have gp early in the morning then DBT, a little time to wait for my pdoc and then my second psychologist session fter that. I won't get home until at least 4pm either and then will have to begin planning again for Friday so a very long day ahead. I suspect Thursday will be a rest and planning day but need to try to get to the pool inbetween as well.

I am usure what I am going to do for Science this week - mainly because I don't know how much longer I will have that class - I need to try to do a lesson that draws together all that we have already done so far I think in anticipation of not having them again - then go from there after we have the meeting afterwards on Friday.

How is your day going?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

In bits and pieces here @Zoe7 ..... went with D3 to her hairdresser, then to pick up some non-slip shoes for walking in snow, for me and D2 ..... then street food lunch, now trying to hurry back to meet a plumber.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You are having a full on day already Hon @Faith-and-Hope

The day is getting away from me a bit but I am not being too hard on myself - there is nothing that cannot wait for today,

I hope you made it back for the plumber

I forgot that when you are away it will be winter - would be lovely to have a white christmas though - will it snow while you are there?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

We will be visiting places where it snows @Zoe7 ..... 😊

Its pouring rain here now. Made it back to the plumber okay .... can use the kitchen sink again.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

haha - yes using the kitchen sink is often a good thing to be able to do @Faith-and-Hope

I have managed to get my washing off the line, sort out my meds, tidy the kitchen and do some painitng. I think I have finally finished it - yea I am going to move it to the spare room to dry and that will give me room to begin my collage as well - that can be something I work on while you are away and it will keep you closer to me as well

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

btw @Faith-and-Hope it has just started raining here as well but it is very light - we are expecting rain everydsy over the next week though

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

We have a coolish sunny day forecast for tomorrow, then rain for the rest of the week @Zoe7.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Seems like we are going to have much the same weather for the next week @Faith-and-Hope

I have begun the washing up and fed your niece and nephew - still haven't vacuumed but Toby needs a haircut again so the vacuuming can wait. I might do both on Thursday if I get my planning organised before that.

I am going to do some more butterfly searching for my collage tonight - will be able to print it out on Friday then

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope I have a very long day today - gp this morning followed by DBT then pdoc and finally the psychologist this afternoon - so I will be off-forum for most of the day,

I hope you got a lot of your work done last night and that today is filled with joy for you.

I will try to check in between DBT and pdoc - at least read if I can't respond. Have a great day Hon.

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