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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

A lot with this forum, and a little bit with work @CheerBear.
As far as the forum goes I know it's because I don't communicate well, so I don't connect with anyone, so I basically don't exist. But knowing the cause isn't really helpful.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I'm sorry to hear that here is feeling that way for you lately @TheVorticon. I think when things hurt here they can really hurt.

You exist here (though I get that it doesnt feel that way and that's what matters right now). I would miss you if you weren't here as I believe others would too. I know that might not help to hear but I genuinely mean it. I always smile when I see you around and feel along with your posts when I catch them.

Knowing the cause might not help, you're right. Can you think of anything that could help maybe? (Probably an annoying question that you definitely don't have to answer, sorry).

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You exist here @TheVorticon, I smile too when I see your name and when you tag me my friend

maybe bing on a thread and tagging people like me and @CheerBear each day , chatting together might help -- I like to do this @TheVorticon if you like too xx

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @CheerBear and @Shaz51. I'm going to sleep now so maybe catch you tomorrow and I'll have a think about your posts.

G'night anyone reading this (and a quick hi-bye-cya to @Zoe7 sorry for disrupting the thread).

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Night @TheVorticon and look forward to seeing you again soon 🙂

With you there also (on enjoying chats) @Shaz51 ❤

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Sorry to her about that @TheVorticon
I hope you feel a bit better soon.
You are more than welcome to tag me in stuff and updates on your threads

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You're not disturbing the thread @TheVorticon ....

It's great to see you, and I miss you when you are not here .....

I am sorry you are feeling overlooked and unacknowledged but I am glad you have communicated how you are feeling. That is important, and I hope we can help you feel more included.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Zoe7 ..... 👋💚💕

I have been looking for you. Are you okay ?

Have you heard back from the HR person ?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope I haven't been great the last couple of days and needed some time out from here also - couldn't support anyone and had nothing I felt I could say myself.

Finally heard from HR this afternoon. The plan is that I will be back at work this week but how that looks is still unknown as the HR person was waiting to hear from the Principal when we could all have a meeting to discuss moving forward. She was hoping to hear from her by this afternoon but could be tomorrow. Either way there is some good news but I am still in the dark as to how this is all going to go. This whole process has really frustrated me but at least it is finally moving forward.

I also have an appointment with the psychologist this Wednesday morning as there was a cancellation - it will mean I miss the first half of DBT but I needed to take the appointment as the one I had was another 6 weeks away.

I will post the painitng on the art thread for you and @CheerBear but won't leave it up permanently.

Hope you have had a good day Hon

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Good to hear from you, as always @Zoe7, and I am relieved to hear that there has been some progress on the work front, but I am still really unimpressed that it is being dragged out and you are suffering.

Hold to your brave, because you are going to need that energy to step into that classroom with your creative mind and heart and start doing wonderful things for yourself, and everybody around you. You are a beautiful rainbow, a ray of sunshine in butterfly form .... and you go girl 💚💚💚❣

My family visitors left today to go home, but it has been a wonderful few days of exploring my new town, with laughter and some fun.

I have also worked out a plan to get to paint your beach in oils ..... fingers, toes, and everything crossed ..... 🤞🤞🤞 We have started with oil painting at uni, and there is enough ventilation in that art space, where there isn't in mine. So ..... in another couple of weeks, we will be given the opportunity to paint something of our own choice. It needs to reflect the learning we have done in experimenting with new techniques, but I believe the beach image you posted some time back will work with this brief. That is my hope at the moment anyway ..... I will have to see how it goes when the tutor starts to map out what we can do, and what we can access as reference material .... and see whether it remains a match.

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