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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Zoe7 ...., 🤗💕

I ended up hanging out with S2 and D3 last night. Art night didn’t happen cos S2 had done several hours of music practice and wasn’t up to the concentration involved in the art project. Instead those two barrelled into some e-games they are familiar with, but S2 was overtired and super-goofy ..... their wit starts firing on all cylinders when they are in that state, so it’s pretty funny, and I fell asleep “early” ..... so I am up early, and caught some birdsong on my way to the coffee shop, where I am currently planted on a bar stool ....

I haven’t been here for a while, because I haven’t been managing to get up early enough, and there has been too much else to do.

After this I am headed to the post office for a gift card for one of my western dragons .... well, two actually ..... then home to make them a card to go with it. That will go with my mr. this afternoon (ssecia postage .... lol) as he heads west again.

After that I am aiming for a walk in the pool, then to a hairdressing appointment with D3 (at her request) ..... then for a walking tour with my walking-tour friend ...... this one to a place necessary for a uni assignment.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You have a busy day planned Hon - I will be happy to get to the pool and get the shopping done. It is a public holiday here on Thursday so no pool as it is not opened - I might try to make it Friday instead though. I also hope to do a little more painting today.

You sound like you had a good night even though you didn't have your famiy art night and an early night for you is a bonus @Faith-and-Hope I forgot my night meds as I got side-tracked last night so by the time I took them it was the time I usually am in bed - took another couple of hours to get to sleep. Toby slept on the bed all night last night so I was woken by a (heavy) fluffball walking over me lol

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hahaha @Zoe7 .... gotta love those fur babies ..... I love hearing about @Sans911 ‘s cats’ antics too. Does Cat ever do that race-around-the-house-in-the-middle-of-the-night-like-a-bat-out-of-hell thing ?

I am sorry to hear you got to bed late, but loving that you are painting again ..... 💚

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

No - Cat doesn't run around the house - she is a very quiet cat @Faith-and-Hope The only times you know she is around is when she wants food or is having a go at Toby. I am very lucky to have such a little sweetheart.

I have been working on my sister's painting again and it already looks better than what it did. I really needed that space and time to get both the motivation and inspiration to know what to do next - but I seem to have a much clearer image in my mind now of the direction I want it to go. It will take some time to do what I want to for know but it hopefully will look much better when I finish.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I am working on my card design while I am walking around @Zoe7 ...... I have picked up the gift card ✅

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I just remembered I need to go to the chemist as well so I better head off and try to get everything done before the pool.

I hope you get your card done Hon and have a good time on your walking tour.

I will let you know when I get home after the pool - hope you get to the pool as well @Faith-and-Hope

Catch you later Hon

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Pool just got bumped from my morning list @Zoe7..... I found a shop with super-cheap art supplies, including some things I had been looking for which are hard to find ..... will have to fit the pool walk in at the other end of the day somewhere .....

Rubning now to get the card done.

Will catch you later Hon.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I hope you got the card done in time to send it with Mr F&H @Faith-and-Hope

It is always great to find an art shop that is cheap - and to find things you have been looking for is a double bonus

I was a little late to the pool and it was super packed today - there was barely enough room to do my exercises. I think that is the most people I have seen there all at one time. I did manage to get my float in at the end when quite a few had left. It wasn't as calming as when I have the pool to myself but it was still nice to do.

I managed to get to the chemist, post office and supermarket - they are all close together so that made it easier. There are a few things I didn't get today but not necessities so they can wait.

Had lunch and have dinner organised too - will just need heating up later. Now resting for the afternoon as it is too windy to do any gardening. Need to put some washing on and put some things away then maybe more painting.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You did get a lot done @Zoe7 ...... and I am glad you are resting up now.

i made the card ✅ ...... have sorted a painter into the unit to patch the broken walls, and placed the last of the required items into the place, so all of that is done.

I have met with my walking friend, grabbed a late lunch, and we are off shortly. I will check back in with you later, and I am hoping to get to the pool tonight, hoping too that it won’t be taken up with people swimming laps.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

You are getting things done too Hon - I saw the card on the other thread - it is beautiful @Faith-and-Hope

Hope you have a great walk with your walking friend - hope you see a lot of really cool stuff

I will look out for you later and you can tell me all about what you have seen today

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