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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Morning @Zoe7 ..... I haven’t seen you on-forum yet this morning. I have slept in and am feeling lazy about getting up .... so might just be lighting a candle at church this morning. Will catch you later ....

Morning to all who pass by here this morning .....

👋☕️💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Didn't come on this morning @Faith-and-Hope - did a few things before I went to babysit. She is an adorable little girl - we pretty much played int he sandpit for 2 hours lol

It is a beautiful day here and if I get the grass mowed I may be able to take Toby to the beach - that will also depend on how tired I am later today though.

Hope you have got yourself moving a little more and made it to church.

I am going to have lunch and then put some more washing on - should get dry today

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Made it to church @Zoe7, and there was extra to the service today, so I wasn’t so late after all ..... heading home for lunch now. We still have overcast skies here, but it sounds like your morning was lovely .....

I am psyching myself up to finish a drawing assignment this afternoon. It is very detailed and needs to include collage ..... so I am thinking about it and how to tackle it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yea you made it to church - so good there was extra to the service @Faith-and-Hope

I have had lunch and resting for a little while until I tackle the mowing. It is still a beautiful day here - the sun is out, the sky is blue and the temperature is in it's low 20s - also no wind so it is pretty much the perfect day outside. The only issue is that it is too sunny for me to be out in it just yet - I'll have to wait until later when the sun is not so strong - I could feel my hands burning even this morning under the morning sun.

I hope you work out how to use collage in your drawing and can get the effect you want - I'm sure it will be successful - all your work is amazing Hon

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia @Zoe7 - speaking of household chores - my mother once told me a story about how she was so bogged down with the mundane that she and her neighbour suggested doing each other’s laundry just to add some variety into their day.

I actually like ironing, especially the more complicated items. I find peacefulness in smoothing out the wrinkles. Weird probably but that’s my thing.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

haha @soul That is a great story about your mum and neighbour

I am not a fan of ironing but it has to be done. My sister doesn't iron - she tries to buy clothes that don't need it because she hates it so much lol

I have plenty of ironing here to do - that is usually a nightime job but the nights I have been too tired - think I need a sleep this afternoon before I mow the lawn and then maybe the ironing afterwards. What are you up to today?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

The kids and I scattered my dog’s ashes yesterday. That was emotional but I’m okay now. It would have been her tenth birthday and those first anniversaries after a death are always hard.

I am at my partner’s place where I spend the weekends these days. He has just mowed and I have done some weeding. I ironed his shirts this morning as he was cooking up a curry. A bit of domestic bliss. Feels nice. He watched the Manchester United vs Chelsea match this morning. Full of drama. Happy with the draw but we were so close to a win.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Sounds like a nice, harmonious day for you @soul.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

My Liverpool team had another win so I was pleased about that. I haven't caught up on other results but a draw for you is better than a loss

It is so sad for you about your dog @soul but really nice that you could scatter the ashes by the water and on what would have been her tenth birthday - so, so sad for you all I can't imagine not having Toby by my side so I can feel some of the pain you are feeling - tears just thinking about it for you

I am going to head off now myself - have a sleep and then try to get the lawn done. I hope the rest of your day is relaxing @soul

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7 .... 💚

i might be a bit quiet for the rest of the afternoon. Have had a run-in with mr.f&h and need emotional wind-down time ..... but hanging out in the forums helps me with that ..... so I am here, but quietly so.

😡☹️😔

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