Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

29,801 - 29,810 of 38,645

1...2,980 2,981 2,982...3,865

In response to: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 2:45 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I wouldn't call vacuuming a joy but it is nice to have a clean floor again. Going to leave the rest of the house to later this afternoon and get the painting out instead @Faith-and-Hope

My DBT friend needed some help and I have time on my hands so I offered - I'm sure she would do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot.

How is your art journalling going? I have matt medium on my list to get when I next go to officeworks - that is the only place I have found it so far. I would have been able to get it at The Art Shed but they closed down some time ago. There is one other art store in the city but it is not easy to get to and quite expensive.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 3:28 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Just calling by with a hi @Zoe7, @Faith-and-Hope and all.

How's the garden going Zoe? Ours seems to be really appreciative of a decent burst of rain overnight and today. The weeds are almost appearing in front of my eyes 😆

Hope you, Toby and Cat are having an afternoon with good in it ❤

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 3:38 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

It's a bit too wet still to get back out in the garden @CheerBear but hoping it dries off a bit tomorrow and I can get back out there. I am babysitting for a couple of hours in the morning for a friend from DBT - she is a single mum with very little support around her at all so it will give her a couple of hours to do some things around the house without the little one in tow. Then I can come home and mow the lawn and then maybe do some more weeding. That will set up the side patch to do build a small box and plant some veggies. I'll ask my sister to come around and give me a hand next week if all goes to plan - I can't lift things like I used to be able to so need some help.

Toby and Cat are well - Cat is spending more time outside in the garden with the warmer weather and Toby pops out occasionally to 'supervise' her lol. He still spends most of his time by my side.

How are the LF?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 3:47 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

So wet here today also @Zoe7! It definitely puts a dampener on gardening 😉 So lovely of you to give your friend a hand like that. I know as a single parent how much an offer and that kind of support can mean ❤

So cute that Toby 'supervises' cat! My four legged terrors had a party at 3am. Noodle was thumping his big clumsy legs up and down the hallway until the sun came up. Angelic creatures have spent the day resting after their huge night 😏😆

2/3 of the LF are going OK thanks. One is struggling in a serious way now which really sucks. It's that 'when it rains...' kind of thing for us as the moment.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 3:55 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @CheerBear @Zoe7 .....

I am waiting to catch up with my walking friend for a quick coffee. She has a theatre arts student staying with her who needed a hot glue gun for an assignment due in on Monday, so they gave me a call .....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 3:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I did read about one LF and what is happening @CheerBear I am so very sorry CB - that is super tough and I know there are no words that can help in this situation for you You are often in my thoughts Hon although we don't connect much but it has been heartwarming to see the connection you have formed with our Teej - I often read along with your interactions but don't comment but know I am always there in the background with support if you need it CB

My little girl has already started her nightly 'talk' wanting food - another hour and she can be fed - then she will go off to her room and sleep. Cat isn't a 'party animal' like your two lol - she prefers to sleep - Toby still has his nightime runs around the house though - it is adorable when he does it - always makes me smile

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 4:02 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

That reminds me of when I was at work @Faith-and-Hope The other teachers used to send kids to me to get things or fix things - anything from using a hot glue gun to a drill - there wasn't much that I didn't have

It will be nice to catch up with your walking friend - even if it is just for a quick coffee

I have done a little painting already this afternoon - will try to do some more later - needed a rest though a my arm was getting sore - must have been all that vacuuming lol

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Doing nothing today as usual @Zoe7.

Went to supermarket this morning. Forgot to buy the potatoes and onions I need for dinner. One load of washing. Reading a book and having a nap.

Hope your day has been more exciting than mine.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Bought a new vacuum cleaner because mine died @utopia Only got half the house done - will do the rest later! Did a little painting and bought a pizza for dinner. Now watching tv and planning on an early night. So pretty boring day here too

Babysitting in the morning then hopefully mowing the lawn tomorrow afternoon - weather (and tiredness level) permitting.

We are a fine pair aren't we - won't set the world on fire but getting through the day so that is important.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

CheerBearSenior Contributor20 Oct 2018, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Sorry for the sudden drop out @Zoe7. I caught a break in the weather and took the chance to get to the supermarket.

Thanks for your kind words and understanding ❤ Between my little ones and my big ones, things feel kind of huge and I feel pretty stretched. Yesterday my GP mentioned the seriousness of what looks to be going on with the little and the concerns herself and others have. It's all a bit much at times 😔 I think I might unbottle a bit over on the carers side at some stage because keeping it all inside isn't helping me. So tired.

I find myself often thinking of you also. I really appreciate and value the quiet support we seem to give each other through our 'support' button clicking. I'm really mindful of who I tag into what as I don't want to trigger anyone, but I sense your presence and it means a lot and I appreciate your input and thoughts whenever you post them. I feel a connection with many here, as it seems you do also 😊 It makes it worth riding out some of the tougher times that can and have happened.

It is pretty cute when the furballs play, though I wasn't finding it so cute at that early hour. We have floorboards and quite a few mats on them. One of Noodles favourite games is to get a run up then pounce on them, sliding them around. I woke up this morning to all the mats rearranged around the house. He also really enjoys diving into the beanbags then getting buried in them, which is pretty funny too. His sister watches him with a look of utter disgust at his clownish behaviour. She's so judgmental 😆😉

29,801 - 29,810 of 38,645

1...2,980 2,981 2,982...3,865