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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

TABSenior Contributor16 Oct 2018, 11:22 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yeah prob always have been re sites re last omg 13years??.. time for a change me thinks. @Faith-and-Hope too many ‘triggers’ too much self medicating.. boom and bust just bust last few years guess

In response to: Am Not Coping

TABSenior Contributor16 Oct 2018, 11:51 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Oops @Crazy_Bug_Lady ^^^ .. I have often felt left out , well throughout my entire life

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 12:08 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Site can be a hard place to fit in .... I was brought up around the mines .....

Gotta get some shut-eye now @TAB ..... my coach is a pumpkin ..... 😏

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 8:30 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I hope you got to sleep relatively early @Faith-and-Hope I fell as asleep on the couch and stayed there all night. Woke up a couple of times but quickly went back to sleep.

Toby is now spread out on the doona sound asleep lol

Have pdoc and GP appointments this afternoon so hoping we can get the work thing a bit more sorted.

Hope you have a great day at uni Hon

Goodmorning to everyone else passing through

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Sans911Senior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 8:51 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Morning @Zoe7

All the best with your appts today. I hope you get the work plan back on schedule.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 9:21 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Was early to bed and early to rise @Zoe7 ..... but didn’t finish notes yet ....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 9:39 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Sans911 I hope it all goes well today too. Hope your afternoon goes well too.

@Faith-and-Hope Great to hear you got to sleep early and up and ready to get moving early. You can tackle the notes again tonight Hon - if you keep in that routine then you should get them done soon. I am pleased I don't have DBT this morning - needed a week off especilly after my day yesterday. I am feeling slightly better - very tired though still. Hoping a shower and getting out today will help to get some energy back. It is wet here today so no gardening. Will try to do a little housework when I come back from appointments.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 11:08 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Had to run when I posted earlier @Zoe7 @Sans911 ......

I am planning to finish my notes in the library at lunch time, cos the next round will be coming at me this afternoon ..... lol ..... but having got them started I have a format that will be easy to just keep adding on to. It was getting that format sorted that took the most time.

On a break now. I got to my coffee this morning but not breakfast, so that is what is next .....

I hope you both have a good day, and I am glad you are feeling a bit better today @Zoe7, and enjoying a break from DBT ..... although you are learning a lot, and socialising too 🎉

Hugs @Sans911 ..... I hope you are picking up a bit now too ..... thinking of you lots ❣️

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 11:14 am AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

So good that you have that format sorted and have found a way to keep up with the notes - that is half the battle already achieve Hon

Hope you are grabbing something to eat @Faith-and-Hope- I am waiting until I get back from my appointments so I am at least home if eating agravates my stomach again.

Need to get myself organised soon - have sorted out my meds for the week and put a few things away this morning so a little less to do this afternoon now.

I do hope the rest of the day is a good one for you

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Oct 2018, 3:17 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Had both pdoc and GP appointments today. They both went well. Discussed with my pdoc how I have been dealing with the work situation and she is more than happy with how I have been coping with all that. Talked a little about people leaving DBT but it does help that I am still in contact with those people. Also discussed a few things that came up whilst I was seeing the psych from DBT while she was away, especially the nightmares and flashbacks but they have seemed to settle down again for now.

My GP received the letter from HR that they said they were going to send and she is going to reply today - so that is underway again. Now all I need to do is wait for a response my end - more waiting but that is all I can do. Hoping that it all gets sorted rather quickly and I can return to work in the next couple of weeks - but again...that is out of my hands and I just need to wait!

I also discussed with my GP about seeing a psychologist again and we both agree that it is a good idea to get work sorted first and then revisit this (with input from my pdoc too). If it is going to happen then it would have to not be the same as last time as that was too much for me and we don't want me going backwards again - and the likelihood of that happening is pretty high with that same type of therapy. I will talk to my pdoc next week about it as well.

Now to rest for a while before trying to get some of this housework done

@Faith-and-Hope @Sans911 @TAB @Appleblossom @soul @Snowie @utopia @Adge @TheVorticon and everyone else passing through here...

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