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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Adge .... 👋

Must be a bit humid then .....

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Morning @Faith-and-Hope

You're probably at uni now. It's a nice clear day atm. But yes, it has been cool and rainy.

I haven't seen our dear little butterfly yet @Zoe7

It's late for her not to be about. Perhaps she is down at the pool.

I was awake earlier at 4am, but when I saw your post I was drifting back for a little more sleep

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Faith-and-Hope @Sans911 Not going to the pool today - had a stomach ache since early this morning so sleeping on and off when I can to catch up on lost sleep last night.

Hope you are both having a good day

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh sweetie, that's not good. I hope you're feeling better before the end of the day. @Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Sans911 I hope it settles soon too. Just need to ride it out as best I can and try to get things done when I can, Plenty of sleeping on the cards today but that is ok - just need to deal with it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yeah @Zoe7, I hope that tummyache settles down quickly ..... that's no good .... 😞

Sending hugs n this:

I am glad you drifted back to sleep too @Sans911. I anticipated a sleep in this morning cos I haven't got uni today, but that got scotched by my mr's alarm. He doesn't usually set one, but is feeling exhausted (surprised anyone ??) and even missed his morning jog this morning. The alarm was to be able to get to The Coffee Place on time, then to the gym on time, then for his afternoon jog on time, and then onto the plane on time ...... sigh .... so I might get a snooze in somewhere this afternoon .....

I made it to the pool today, for the first time in quite a while. Have to start putting that back into place, and I am trying to get to bed early enough to get up early enough to start walking to uni again, energy levels permitting .....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

So pleased you made it back to the pool @Faith-and-Hope I just couldn't face it iwth the pain today. One of those days when the pool wouldn't have helped me.

We are going to need to place a curfew on you to get to bed Hon I know it has been making a difference to me when I can be in bed around 10pm, then up early and then I can get a few things done early also. Don't think I will get out into the garden again today - it is already heating up and I don't need problems with my skin as well. Basically I am writing today off as a rest day ...think I need it.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope Love the flowery butterfly Hon

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @soul ....✋💕

Just picked up your reply now .....

Both S2 and D3 fell off the study wagon earlier in the year.

D3 tried to re-enrol in my Cert IV course, but just missed the cut-off without realising. She may have had a case to argue it, but it took another two weeks for anyone to realise that that was what had happened (she was waiting for confirmation that didn't come..... ) and by then it was a bit late to catch up, as she was already applying after the semester had started. She has just applied to the diploma course for next year, where she will be in my year group anyway. She has started producing some personal art at home now, which is great, and it will feed her portfolio.

S2 has been struggling with his sleep patterns and had given up attending uni again, then began to give up trying to keep up with assignments. He thought it was all over in terms of the year at that point, but his course co-ordinator and the equity support services on our campus stepped in ..... he has now submitted enough to pass semester 1, so that effort and work commitment is not lost to him, and has had the rest of semester 2 deferred to next year, part time, across the whole year, owing to a restructuring of the course. That not only takes the pressure off, keeps him under pastoral care, continues providing a uni focus, but also gives him time to get his sleep cycles stabilised. We will be travelling overseas across the Christmas break, but ordinarily our body clock will adjust to time differences, and his body clock needs to re-establish the ability to do that.

Mr. is still on his regimen .... what can I say ? Generally, left to his own devices, he is relatively stable.

And I have an art space now ..... 😊😊😊

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I will be pottering on with uni notes and assignments @Zoe7, but essentially treating today as a rest day. Sounds like it's a good idea for both of us.

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