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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

From what I have seen, you have amazing talent @Faith-and-Hope. I’m sure this is also recognised by your fellow classmates and lecturers.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope @TAB @soul I have finished planting just over half of the seedlings and watered the garden. I'll plant the remaining seedlings later. I still also have the hanging baskets to do too but that will definitely wait until at least tomorrow. I also weeded the last patch I had to do and next step there is to lay the rocks and concrete them in to form a wall near the fence. The ground is a bit higher in the neighbours property so building the small wall will stop the weeds and water running under the fence. I have done the same on the other side of my arch and outdoor chair. It is so lovely sitting under there with the climbing plants now blossoming as well as the Jasmine.

It is really starting to look nice out there. The next step in my garden is to clean out under the lemon tree and fill the spot with shade plants. That will take some time as I can't afford more plants until I am working again.

@soul Getting back to work is still a 'work in progress'. HR need to talk to my GP who doesn't come back off holidays until this Wednesday. Then they have a whole list of questions regarding what I am capable of doing, when, where and for how long. Basically they want to know things like am I cleared to be back on class, for how many hours/days per week and if there are any other considerations that need to be made. I see my GP on Wednesday anyway so she will probably contact HR while I am there. The Principal of the school needs then to be contacted and my return to work sorted out from her end. So you see this is not straightforward and I don't expect to be back for another couple of weeks at least.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thank you @soul .... I am glad you like it ..... 💓

Talent becomes only a small part of the story with artwork. Some people can be really talented, but don't do anything at all with that .... it just sits there and is never used.

Many art skills can be learned, and someone who learns the skills and paints, or does whatever their art-heart says on a daily basis can be a more impressive and successful artist than someone who is born with the mind and eye that says "talented" in our society.

And .... beauty is so much in the eye of the beholder, that we can recognise talent in someone, but perhaps not actually like the work they produce. I am so pleased that mine appeals to you ..... I am really chuffed 😊

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Still waiting for he image here @Faith-and-Hope but looking forward to seeing it

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Gorgeous @Faith-and-Hope. I prefer classical art to the modern stuff. Some of that is completely bewildering to me. I remember seeing a painting of a black rectangle which apparently the artist had painted over something else only beknownst to them - hmmm?

@Zoe7 - sounds like this transition back to work will be a very slow one. Much patience will be required. Are you feeling apprehensive about it?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 wow you've had a busy day!!! Good on you. it's always a good feeling when you've accomplished something. do you have a big garden? Hubby and I have to re-do our back area as Jersey wrecked all the plants from rushing to the fence to growl at the other dogs walking past. So we hope to raise the garden bed with extra sleepers and put plants that will be tolerated by a dog!!! If you know of any pls let me know lol 🙂

Anything for the garden costs money and it's not cheap buying plants.

@Faith-and-Hope is that your artwork i can see?? It is amazing, you are very talented

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That is beautiful @Faith-and-Hope - love the colours and even the style of the painting

@soul Yes it does seem like it will be a slow process. My GP has been away for nearly 4 weeks so that has slowed up the process too - I can't go back in any capacity until she is spoken to and it is sorted out from there. It was my hope to be back this week at the beginning of the new term but that certainly has been delayed. It is what it is and all I can do is wait.

@BlueBay I don't have a big garden but I have put a lot of time into what I do have. One side and one corner still need to be done ...edging, lots of digging and clearing etc. ...but I can't do that all on my own as I do not have the physical strength anymore to do it (thank you illnesses for that!!!) I will try to get some photos of small sections of it tomorrow and post for you.

lol I don't know any dog friendly plants - Toby doesn't go on the garden so I can put in whatever I like, Goodluck with that one BB

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I guess you have done all you can @Zoe7 - now it’s a matter of the other parties involved to do their stuff.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes @soul That is correct.

How are you travelling?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7 .... 💗

Your garden is sounding amazing.

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