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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Then we had an art philosophy class. Boy .... it’s a bit stunning to try to answer questions about what art means to us .... like stunned mullet type stunning.

@Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I think it is easier to describe how art makes me feel than what it means to me @Faith-and-Hope - that is an answer that would take a lot of thinking about - surely some deep thinking going on today then Hon

What artist that you looked at today grabbed you the most?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Piet Mondrian @Zoe7. I have only known his work in black and white grids with primary colours.

Hang on, I will post some things on the art thread .....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I know his black and white and primary colour work @Faith-and-Hope. It is amazing to me actually how some painitings so simply put together can be so famous. It is not my kind of thing either.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 ..... 💚💐🌷🦋💕

How did you go today ?

I started off off with a mess. S2 worked on uni submissions last night 🎉 but asked that D3 and I stay up with him for moral

support. That meant a really late night, but I fell asleep way ahead of D3 ..... so I managed a decent few hours. Then I got up and was walking out the door when D3 called me (from her room) and mumbled that a delivery was here - three hours early. Right .....

I went to meet the delivery truck, which didn’t show, so knowing that D3 had maybe had an hour or so sleep, I called mr. in the west ..... turns out he had redirected the delivery truck call to her ..... Could he give me their number to call back ? No .... he didn’t arrange the delivery, so redirected me to who had ..... Meantime I had contacted walking-friend to defer ..... got hold of the truck ..... turns out it was a courtesy call to say they were delivering today ..... on time ..... :face_with_rolling_eyes:. Meanwhile mr. asks me

tonask them if they will help us move some other furniture around between units ..... no, they are on a tight schedule and can’t .....

Delivery happened. Then coffee happened with a lunch sandwich ...... gahhhhh !!

I have been searching my Inbox for you.

Hi to anyone else around .... 👋💕

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi Hon - sorry I didn;t check in earlier - not a good night (which I expected) so had a sleep this morning and then it was time to force myself to go to the pool. I only did my exercises through once today and then floated around just enjoying the water for a while.I got out earlier than usual but it was enough for today.

You certainly have had a messed up morning @Faith-and-Hope but delivery is done and coffee and lunch achieved. It would have been nice to catch up with your walking-tour friend though.

I have had lunch and now settled on the couch for a while before I head outside to tackle some of the weeding - even a small patch would be good. A couple of our coriander seeds have sprouted so that has given me a smile today - still waiting for the basil to pop their heads up but I may need to get some plastic covers to give them a wriggle along.

Are you going to the art exhibition with your baby dragons today?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Coffee and lunch was with walking-tour friend @Zoe7 ..... 😏

Not going to the gallery today. Kids are sleeping at the moment, but S2 is also pushing forward with another assignment ..... 🎉

I am going to do a painting today that I will present as our first family art night activity, but I need to have done one first, as an example, and so I am familiar with the technique.

Its not this,but something like it .....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That is cool @Faith-and-Hope - love the colours in it contrasting with the starry sky

So pleased your coffee and lunch was with your friend - I love hearing that you are not alone Hon

It is also great that S2 is doing another assignment - little by little he is getting there and hopefully he continues to gain confidence that he can both do the work and is supported along the way.

Are you going to begin your painting soon? I know you can't show this one but let me know how you are going with it

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I have been watching a couple of YouTube videos @Zoe7 ..... they are to help me with techniques. I think you will enjoy them, so I will post them on the art threads .....

💜

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That would be good - thanks Hon - I'll watch them tonight @Faith-and-Hope after The Block

Going to try to finish doing my taxes soon so I can cross that off my list - still need to double check everything before I send it off. Just my luck that I will have a debt this year - but I did expect that after work back-payed me recreational leave and income protection still paid me the full amount - they should have deducted some but when I asked about it they said it was all ok - makes it hard for me now - at least I will have time to pay the debt and will hopefully be back at work with income coming in to pay it. Sucks though!

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