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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It makes it harder to get motivated too @Snowie as I am doing everything I can to get through those couple of hours while it is still dark and then feel tired and less able to do things for the rest of the morning. By the afternoon I want to sleep again if I haven't already fallen asleep again in the morning - we need to get the meds and sleep issues right before I even considering going back to work in any capacity otherwise I fear what effect it will have on me at night time.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Can understand that need @Zoe7 to be able to get through the day without sleeping. I have spoken to my pdoc about the same thing with my tiredness and work.

Hopefully your pdoc has some answers for you on Wednesday.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I suspect she will want me to stay at the present dose for a bit longer to see if it levels out at all @Snowie - I am not so much concerned about the waking up early - I can take my night meds a bit later to try to get that right but that also means I am in the same sitaution I have been in previously when the nights get a lot harder to deal with ...that fine line again that we both know is hard to achieve the right balance. I am not sleeping as long during the day when I do need to sleep so that is an improvement but I need to be able to get through the day without sleeping at all

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7getting through the day without sleeping would be a must if you are thinking about returning to work. I don't think it would be good if you fell asleep in class whilst teaching the kids!!

Hoping that fine line can be found sooner rather then later

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I did fall asleep in class one year @Snowie - it was when I first got Toby and was up nearly all night making sure he was ok and taking him out to the toilet every few hours. I couldn't keep my eyes open in class. It was just as bad as having constant nightmares and being woken up in the middle of the night - there were many years of nights like those The kids just went on with their work and woke me up after about 10 minutes - just lucky I had such a good group of kids - I don't think many of them even knew I was asleep lol - I did have Toby in the classroom with us so everyone knew they had to be quiet if I was going to keep bringing him! Lucky I didn't snore hahaha

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

That is a very beautiful story and A testament to good kids.

@Zoe7

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

The funniest thing about that story @Appleblossom is that I had what some considered the 'naughtiest' kids in my class but I found them absolutely adorable and loved every one of them

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hehe @Zoe7, you just made me laugh. Luckily you did have some good kids in the class.

Where I used to teach, if I ever feel asleep, I'd hate to think what the kids would do. Probably be a fight or would just walk out and go home

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

I always had some of the hardest kids to deal with - it was thought that I could handle them but it got a bit much when you have to 'handle' so many in one class - separately they were all easy but put them all together and it was really difficult - some of the other teachers had it so much easier but I think having so many of those kids in one class actually brought them all together more - some even became friends @Snowie @Appleblossom

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Kids are strange creatures @Zoe7!

Ok this is as close as I could find to a laughing one!!

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