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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7

I just sighed a big sigh with that post. I am trying to learn to engage brain before mouth. Its gets me into trouble so much.

You are also extremely important here in this forum as well. You have a lot of sensibility and encouragement to share.

My cats or should I say really only Jasper is being a bit naughty and annoying the other one, who just wants to be left alone. I've had to separate them a couple of times tonight. I think Jasper has gone out of the bedroom in a stink. I'll give him some cuddles when I get into bed soon. There was a short storm here last night which seems to have unsettled them today. And Jasper wanted to play with the duster which I wouldn't let him because I couldn't find it for a while as time. He drags it around. At least I have my own comedy, drama, entertainment channel. Never a dull moment.

Have you managed to eat something tonight? I'm having soup.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

No I had a late lunch and was going to have soup as well but realised I had none left in the cupboard - something else to add to my list - and I definitely was not in the mood to make any @Sans911

Jasper is still a baby so I can imagine he is still so playful. Cat is nearly 9 so she pretty much sleeps, eats and sleeps some more - with the occasional cuddle thrown in. Toby is still very playful - he loves getting his toys out for me to have to put away lol I have trod on more of Toby's toys some days than floorboards hahaha! Like lilypads in a pond - they are everywhere

Where would we be without our fur babies to keep us company hey!

Do you have any plans for tomorrow?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Yes very true @Zoe7

I had quite a lot of trouble bonding with both of these cats. I mistakenly called them my previous cat's names for some time. It will be 10 and 9 years soon since my previous cats were put to sleep, almost a year apart. I was overseas at the time so it was really hard loosing them without a final goodbye. Both of them, both black and males, were 14 years old. I loved those cats so much. I have both of their ashes with me.

One of them had a significant cleft palate that split his upper palate. There were no outside defects. He suffered frequent respiratory infections and digestive problems. It was too much a risk to operate, but to leave it alone was also risky. Instead I loved him fiercely as if he may not live another day. But it was arthritis that took him when he collapsed and could no longer walk.

This is him.

And the other male called Radar

I think Radar possibly had cancer but I didn't want to put him through lots of tests, and treatment that would prolong his suffering. These two cats were my first pets. They went through some really amazing adventures and hard times with me.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

My first cat was also 14 when she died @Sans911 - then my present cat came into my life very unexpectedly a couple of weeks later. I was completely lost for those couple of weeks without her - she too had been through a lot with me.

I couldn't imagine not being there when my baby passed away - that must have been so tough for you

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Sans911 It is just about time for me to try for sleep so I will say goodnight now Hon

Goodnight also @Faith-and-Hope hope to catch up with you tomorrow

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

It took many years to get through that grief @Zoe7

My mother looked after them while I was overseas, and it was really hard on her because she really grew attached to them. But before I left Australia we had a very open discussion about what would happen if they fell ill, and we both didn't want them to suffer longer just for me to try to get home. I regularly talked them both on the phone. They would look around for me as they knew my voice.

You must be getting ready for bed hun? I know it's late your way. Just gone 8pm here. I'm really enjoying the last few days just chatting with you, @Teej

@outlander

Just random, everyday things. It's nice to escape the MI brain.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Pretty much posted at the same time @Zoe7

SNAP. I hope you get some reasonable sleep tonight hun. 😴

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@outlander - these are my previous male cats. It'll be 10 & 9years this year since they've passed.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Goodnight @Zoe7 .... 🤗💕

I have been sitting under the Like button this evening, just tagging along. I hope you sleep well Hon .... you too @Sans911 💜💐

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Night @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope ❤

The pics are just coming up. They are both cute @Sans911 they dont look as big as MrA
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