Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope I will still paint the same image because that was the plan and I will take a look at this new one when it comes up and maybe use pastels for that one.

I am just really impressed by what you have done so far... really is wonderful

I have had one of my anti-nausea tablets and some ginger already tonight and it hasn't done much at all. Already have the light on in the dining room so it isn't as bright. It really is one of those nights where I am doing everything I can possibly do and just need to get through it

@oceangirl I hope my GP can help weave some of her magic tomorrow too. I should have seen her today as well but I just couldn't do it.

Sweet dreams sis

Love you to the stars and back

Maybe try an online jigsaw puzzle ? That's my go-to now when I am having trouble slowing down my busy mind, or relaxing ....

I could tell you what norty WH got up to this morning ..... are you up for the story ? It's all settled down now so I'm at the eye-rolling stage instead if the steam blowing out of my ears stage .... lol ....

Yep @Faith-and-Hope Distract me with a 'story'...

@Zoe7 Your amazing sis. You will get through this I know it . Trouble is outside atm investigating using her detective skills lol. I am going to bed I think. My battery is almost gone flat.

I hope you sleep well @oceangirl .... ❤️💕

@Faith-and-Hope It's past pumpkin hour - you should try to sleep

@Zoe7

WH had organised family Eadter at our house .... BFFW style .... remember what state I said our house is in at the moment ? I met up with D1 and sifted through all the dynamics and worked out how to live with this .... it's gonna be okay. Was just blind-sided in the moment.

It meant cooking a lamb on an indoor bbq in the house (wet-kitchen / scullery area) and stopping painting to get the house up to speed, and telling him no would incur back-lash and probably a cancelled painting weekend away with the kids while he's not here .... and around 30 guests when we don't fit that many in the house .... and ... and ... and .... anyway it's settling into a better place by degrees.

❤️

OMG @Faith-and-Hope

WH?

I can't imagine you telling him 'NO' as I could only imagine the fallout for you Strong and courageous do not seem enough to describe you @Faith-and-Hope I do truly admire your ability to be so positive amidst all that you deal with - and to support so many others as you do - you really are one in a million - and I do not say that lightly

Well that's teared me up rather nicely ... lol ....

@Zoe7.... I know who he was before this e.d. took him captive .... and I know he's still in there somewhere, and e.d. support services have reiterated it for me in case I forgot .....

This illness has changed his personality, and messed with his value systems, but more then anything else, it has improsoned him into a gruelling daily regimen that makes me tired just watching him flog himself with it .... it's like an endless punishment.

The thing is, now in hindsight, it is clear to see that the threads were already there for this thing to build itself into. When you learn about what causes e.d.'s .... the foundation was all there .... and he might have ocd, or adhd, or both, underlying the behaviours which are symptoms, not cane uses, as many people npmistake them for .... as I did too before I understood the nature of this thing.

And I do tell him no sometimes .... but I have to choose my times and places, and weigh up the consequences, and try to guage his mood as to how receptive he is .... in many ways he is like a child or a tween in this state.

He has settled down an awful lot since last year, when we realised we just had to let go of him and let him run ... staying somewhere within his vicinity, but not close enough to get hurt by him and the way he is behaving. He really thinks he is achieving wonderful things and can't see at all that he has overshot the mark.

At least if we drift apart from here it won't be as bad as it would have been in the last few years when he was completely hostile and driving us all to despair. Now we have found something of a co-existence to keep us going and I only have "events" like this morning to deal with, mostly in isolation, instead of back-to-back all day as it was previously.

it has to come to a head eventually. I just hope it's not through a health crisis. And if we have separated by then, a diagnosis and treatment would make it clear what happened, and hopefully give us the basis to repair the relationships.

He is really hurting somewhere inside, and everything I have said to you, about baby steps and healing pain, will be part of his recovery. I'm gonna need you encouraging me when he is struggling with finding his feet again.

❤️