Am Not Coping

@Former-Member My last med change before we change back to the ones I am on now was horrendous. They had massive side effects and I am very lucky to still be here. I went downhill very quickly - and it is hard to go much further when you already feel on the ground - but somehow the earth below me opened up and swollowed me whole. It is the darkest place I had been in for months - and considering how badly I had been struggling, it really was more than I could take.

I had to see my GP every second day and she contacted me on the other days. The only reason I am still here is basically because I was physically incapable of following all the way through - not from a lack of trying though

So I completely get the waiting game, the med changes, the side effects and the constant struggle to find something that helps. In the last 12 months I have had more med changes, different combinations, different dosages and side effects to varying degrees with each of them. The present ones will only work so far then they will be changed or added to again. This process itself is drianing enough - without having to deal with the flashbacks, nightmares and physical pain as well.

We all know that if we can get the sleep issues under control then I would be much more able to deal with everything else - but that is where the problem lies - nothing has helped to stop the nightmares - and night meds do not always work to help me get to sleep - especially when the flashbacks come or there has been any other triggers.

So just like you - waiting, waiting, waiting.....

@Zoe7I had seen a bit about your last med change being horrendous and am super glad that you are still here. However, I am sure nothing I can say will change the effect that it has had on you.

Its such a fine line between the meds helping or hindering us, and what works for one person doesn't work for another. I am hoping these new meds help. That last paragraph you have written I could have written that myself. Nothing has stopped the nightmares yet, so we just keep on waiting.

Huge, giant big hugs for you @Zoe7

Just to be able to chat to people who understand, who have been where we have, experienced similar things and are continuing to struggling in various ways everyday actually helps @Former-Member.

I was lucky enough to have a Principal who was supportive - if that had not been the case then things for me would have been a lot different. After my suicide attempt early this year I didn't think I would ever come back from that. I wasn't 'found' or there was no intervention - I simply just woke up - eventually. Realising that I was still alive was shattering. My last attempt a couple of weeks ago - I literally did not have the physical strength to carry it out all the way. Can I say today, right now, that I am grateful for not being able to follow all the way through - No I can't. Just because there have been moments over the last few days when I seem ok - what is inside has not changed. I still do not want to be here and I still do not see any life worth living. But the hardest road to walk is that you walk for others - and that is all I am holding on for!

That is enough @Former-Member

@Zoe7 I really want to reply to this but have to go feed the kiddies and don’t want to rush it. So I will be back to reply. Just wanted to let you know 💜💜

@Zoe7I completly agree with you. Even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone, it is reasurring to know that there are people with similar experiences that we can relate too.

I understand not wanting to here. And I know I am only here because of my kids and my hubby. But I do wonder and am scared if I get to the point where even they are not enough to keep me from following through. I have come close, but intervention was there.

I hope for you in time that you can see a life worth living, but do understand how hard that can be. It is like there is only darkness and that tiny flickering light is slowly being distinguished. It is so easy to keep the facade up that all is fine, when inside says the exact opposite, when inside we are just screaming for it to stop.

I know that holding on for that certain someone (we both know who that is) on these forums is what is helping you to keep going, and I am glad you have that. So keep holding on because you are loved on here and you deserve that love like any of us do

You are half right @Former-Member - yes holding on for that certain someone has definitely kept me going more times than I could list (and that certain someone has spent many, many nights keeping me company over the last year) but this last time I not only thought of her but also one special little turtle - I did not want to be yet another 'person' in her life that left. I know we form strong bonds with certain people for very different reasons - that is human nature - but that does not mean that we care about others any less - it is just different

Outside of the forum there are a couple of things that prevent me from following through - my fur babies mainly - but there have been a couple of times that even they could not keep me going. The other major issue is what would happen afterwards. Questions would be asked - as is the case in those kind of 'incidents' - and that would mean my records would be accessed. I have kept so many secrets for so long so no-one else is affected by what I have been through. The consequences of 'people' knowing would be very far reaching and would ruin many lives - and I cannot be responsible for that - no matter how much it has destroyed me.

@Zoe7I am so glad then you have got both of them to help you find that light.

It seems like there is a lot of self sacrifice on your behalf to protect other people. I can feel the pain in the words that you write. I sit here hoping that one day you could find that inner peace you deserve, and I guess we are all searching for that, but I know that sometimes that never happens. It is not something we overcome or are cured of, it is something that we live with day by day, or even hour by hour.