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Am Not Coping

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Good Idea @Zoe7

It was interesing how many different responses we all had to RED.

I hear your sadness about getting back to your teaching.

You have so much to give but pressures on teachers increases.

It is best to go back when you are sure you are well enough.

I spoke with a couple today shepherding children at the zoo.

I was also vulnerable so for me it is best that I am in a vollie position.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Good Night @Zoe7

I am almost ready to log off.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 @Appleblossom @Sans911 @oceangirl @Ant7 @Former-Member

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-Hope Morning Hon

Had to use thin paper instead of tissue paper to make a poppy so it hasn't turned out as well but here is what it looks like....

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

hugs @Zoe7 - its hard to get back to work, especially as teaching is so very demanding of ourselves physically and mentally, though for me sometimes its the only thing that keeps me from flying a part all together as well.
i dont know if this would be useful/beneficial for you but would you do a volunteer role in a school once a week (i was even thinking not your usual school)? an art lady from our community has started coming in during lunchtimes once a week i think and is working on some art projects with 3/4 girls who find it difficult to make friends/connect. they have a quiet spot and when im on duty can see how much the girls are getting from it. Not sure if this would be something that you would feel up to or not, but just an idea... something that might give that connection to you as well and help you to guage how you feel being back with kids etc.. but know that it might not be too.

In response to: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7 as a teacher myself that cannot work either at the moment, I completely understand what you mean. My year 12’s graduated the other day and I missed their graduation, their last day and their formal. What made it so much harder was I had organised the formal earlier this year before I went on work cover. I tired to make it there, but just couldn’t. It is extremely hard when it is such a huge part of our lives.

So just wanted you to know that I hear you and understand how you feel hun 💗💗💗

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Hey @Former-Member

That is exactly what we have in mind for when I am able to physically do anything.

I am still very unwell physically. It takes all my energy to even drive to my appointments

I have been having more moments where I can connect/engage on here - and that is a good thing - but outside of here and with my GP and pdoc I still feel really overwhelmed around people.

The plan was to get back to a place where I can volunteer at school once or twice a week and then build up from there. That has been made a little more difficult though with the Principal at work that was such a great support for me moving to another school. I haven't met the new Principal yet - haven't been capable of getting there. I am hoping I will be able to get there in the next week or two though.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

Oh @Former-Member that is really tough Hon My psychologist actually drove me to our Grade 6 leaver's dinner last year as she didn't want me to miss it. My Principal brought me home afterwards. It was extremely hard being there - I spent alot of time outside on my own - but I did not want to let the kids down. I had taught nearly all of them at some stage and so was a group that I had a real strong bond with.

The thing that most upset me last year was not being able to organise our entry into the Christmas Parade. I had done it for the previous 6 years and the kids get so excited about it. We work on our theme (costumes, props, etc.) throughout the year. The kids had already done all the planning and designs so it was heartbreaking not to be able to take them.

This week is going to be hard also as the Parade is next Saturday and for the second year the kids have missed out. Some of the kids I take haven't even been into the city before so it is extra exciting for them.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 That is super sad about the Parade. I don’t think I could go back to my work yet, can’t even drive past the place. Hopefully your new principal is just as understanding as the last one you had. 💗

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Re: Am Not Coping

aww really for you @Zoe7@Former-Member sending hugs

heres you butterfly from last night too @Zoe7

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