Am Not Coping

That is so wonderful to hear @utopia. You can see a future and happiness in that future again - I am so pleased for you

When I am planning I don't tell anyone that I am even heading down that road - I too actually feel quite calm and calculated. That is when I am at most risk - when I isolate myself and actually plan. When I am so low that I can't think straight I am more likely to accidently take too much and just sleep for a long time - I have done that a couple of times over the last week

I think the biggest difference between you and me is that I honestly can't see my life ever changing - for there ever being a point where I can move forward - and that is not me being negative - just realistic.

That is you talking from where you are at at the moment @Zoe7. You didn't talk like that this time last year. I don't think you thought it either back then. Not the same as now.

So I guess it's trying to hold on through a few more months. Getting these meds right and waiting for the therapy to start next year. That's the light you need to try to find at the end of the tunnel. Even if you can't see it, maybe just knowing it is there, will be ebough for now.

It has been over 3 years since I went on Workcover. I never expected it to last this long. I thought a few months of therapy and meds and it would al blow away. How wrong I was. this year has been the hardest. 4 hospital stays in just over 3 months. Not what I ever thought would have been possible. Each set back seems harder to come out of. But I do eventually come out of each episode. they just take longer. Now I need to focus on my therapy again. That I am finding really hard. Meditation, Mindfulness, Breathing exercises, they just don't work the same anymore. And even though I don't have panic attacks anymore, every time I get anxious, I get breathless. And that breathlessness freaks me out. Feel like I'm dying. lol. Can't win.

I do remember a time (a small window way back) when there was a little hope. I think - like you - I am just worn out. I also know there is a lot more now that I have to 'deal with' that wasn't there before - I has suppressed so much for so long to survive. But now it is all out, right in front on me and there is no way to put it all back. That is the hardest part @utopia - the difference between knowing it is there but not acknowledging it - to having it openly 'in my face' is what is so different. I honestly do not know how to deal with it all - it is just too much!

I can only guess how hard that would be @Zoe7, because I havn't lived through it. I don't know how I would cope with even a fraction of your history. But the gp and sychiatrist and pdoc worker, believe that you can do therapy next year. And that will help you dal with some of that trauma and put it where it belongs - away in your far memory bank. Not in the front memory box, where it is always there.. I'm still optimistic that you will achieve a great deal in putting some of your skelatons to sleepfor good.

I don't know @utopia. I think living in such a small place with so many connections everywhere is a major barrier. It is really difficult to explain to anyone exactly how far reaching and 'everywhere' triggers are. I suppose living in a small town you could get some idea. I know finding out some of the things I have this year have been extremely hard to cope with and have further added to the insular feeling I already had. There are so many people inadvertently connected now to the memories that just make it so much harder to even think about returning to my life before. It is all pretty messed up!

@Zoe7 ..... that is where your therapists are trying to get yo7 well enough to start taking “all this” back out of your face ..... but not by pushing it back down inside and squeezing more and more back in .... the opposite .... ❣️

They need to work from here to be able to neutralise it ..... to disarm it .... to detoxify it and reduce it down to a point where it is acknowledged (validated for you) but that is all ..... it needs to be healed from here.

Please keep concentrating on becoming well again. And it’s not as if it will all be dealt with at once like a tidal wave ... think of it more like you have fallen onto an echidna, and one painful spine after another needs to be removed ..... and as more and more of them are removed, you will start to realise that they are no longer hurting you the same way ..... the wound and sting will be far less, and even those will begin to heal over.

I agree with @utopia .... you are in a place where you can’t see this, and can’t imagine a time when it will be here ....

You know I have been walking a road fro eight years .... thinking that at any time now we must draw the attention of professionals, and then once involved with us they will quickly realise the presence and extent of the e.d. .... and then diagnosis and treatment will quickly follow, and our family and relationships would be restored ....

Sooooo not so. And yet, I can tell that all of you here who offer me the loving support that you do, believe in a time when this will be so for me ..... that it will be worked out .... that the truth and all it’s pain will be revealed and we can have our echidna spines carefully removed .....

We see these things for each other .... we hold lamp-light of hope for each other ..... and we are carrying yours @Zoe7 .....

I find it very hard when I go to the town where I used to work. I get extremely anxious. And when I go to the large town where head office and all those managers are. that's where I'm likely to flip out.

But I'm finding i'm isolating myself even in my small town, which doesn't have anything to do with my workplace injury or the Management bullying. So I really have to force myself to get into town and shop or go to the library. Easier because I have to buy smokes and bourbon. lol. Not food as such. But when I've been locked up for a while, it's hard to venture out. And even at home, I stay in my room or my outside smoko area. I don't use the rest of the house. So it's trying to push my comfort. push my boundaries a bit.

I now have a worker withh Mind Australia who is doing an assessment on me to see what help I need. I'm hoping he can help get Workcover to pay for someone to mow my lawn for me, that would be good. But also that he will help me get up and moving. Going for walks. Doing what I used to be able to do easily. But can't do now.

All I know is that the days are really lng, but next thing it's Wendesday again or Saturday again and the week seems to fly. Doesn't make any sense. But it's the same old same old. It gets boring. Have to try and break those bad habits of mine.

Me with the insects @Zoe7 you with the echidna spines. lol. Sorry I know it's a serious talk but all I can picture is you having sat on an echidna and your butt full of spines and your pdoc and psychiatrist looking up at your bum and trying to pull out a spine = one at a time. Sorry, funny image @Faith-and-Hope.

Other than my warped way of seeing it - f&h is right. One thorn at a time. Until only a few more remain to be dealt with. You will be in a lot less pain. Will be more confortable and able to lead a 'normal' life.

@Faith-and-Hope @utopia

I know that makes sense in my head @Faith-and-Hope - it is the transferring of all that into how I feel everyday where the barriers seem insurmountable. I think your description of it being like having fallen on an echidna is probably the best analogy of the situation that I have heard - there are so many spikes to be removed - and yes it needs to be done carefully (painfully) and in as much time as is needed. I suppose my biggest fear then becomes 'can I endure that' as I am struggling so much right now - and am so very tired. That is what I don't know and where I find myself constantly wanting a way out. It is more than simply wanting all the pain to end - it is actually not wanting to 'live' any more. I know that is a tough thing for anyone to hear but I need to be honest about it because if I am not then there really is no hope at all.

It does make a difference that others are carrying the light for me (however small it is still there) - and it is that small glimmer from you all that does infact keep me going when I really do not want to - so don't underestimate how extremely important you all are to me. I know I try to push you all away when I am reaching those extreme lows but you keep 'dragging me back in' with your love and support.

ps @utopia - I am going to have to design a whole new range of t-shirts now lol

About time we got the t-shirt business back on go. @Zoe7

I'm sorry but i'mgoing to have to go to bed now. I have an early dov=ctors appointment to get the stitches out of my arm. Just a weird looking mole. Will get pathology results, but I'm not too worried about it. the gp thought it looked okay. It was only me who thought it looked wrong.

So you and @Faith-and-Hope keep chatting and enjoy your night.

I'm glad you are still with us @Zoe7. So keep fighting my butterfly friend. I'm here.