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Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

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In response to: Am Not Coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 1:51 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7Is the weather more reasonable? We have had a few lovely days here. Though when I went to zoo it was rainy with big puddles.

Are you managing any art?

I also have seasons of reading.

I really appreciated your story about grieving your mother through sharing authors. @faithandhope

My mother did not read. Only religious repetitive liturgies. SHe made a virtue of ignorance which was not at all helpful for us. I was shamed for reading novels and so became more scientific, did literature was good but not my first choice as she raised me to believe it was time wasting. I felt justified reading when I was bookclub co-ordinator. It is good to just read for me ... for learning ... about interests and obsessions. Novels as entertainment or escapism is a fairly new thing for me. I read a bit as a kid but mother guilted me so much I never knew if I was arthur or martha, and then it was to work.

I actually loved my mother til I was about 40 .She seemed regal in her own unique way. I shared a lot through music so that seemed to fill in the gaps like talking about life and ideas or books which was my father's style.

She actually shocked me a lot by incredibly bitchy things with music pieces in the last years of her life. My love of her was more wish fulfillment. I did not see her very clearly. I dont feel a lot about her since she has died, mostly a quiet sadness and disappointment. At least it is not the agitation which was more common for me in last years of her life. I feel important lessons for me to learn is to be more guarded and this boundary thingy..