Am Not Coping

@utopia I just love you to bits my friend - you always seem to say just the right thing when I need it

Yep I'm tired. Had another couple of hours sleep this afternoon. Once I was up last night it was very hard to get back to sleep. Toby seems to be really restless today also - he can't seem to settle and is jumping and barking at any little sound - I am sure he is feeding off my emotional state - never seen him this jumpy. His bark is extremely loud and is actually adding to my anxiety when it just comes out of the blue and I don't expect it. The poor little mite must be feeling the stress too! He hasn't left my side all day - needs to be close or touching me. Cat is outside again - she loves laying in the garden and in the sun.

I can't believe you only bought 4 plants - I really expected you'd have to borrow my trailer like @Former-Member lol lol - have you started talking to them yet??? I bet you have - letting them know what a nice home they are coming in to (if you remember to water them)!!!!

I think we might need to make you a virtual bookstand- would go very nicely with the books you didn't buy today

I am doing what you are probably doing right now also - MaFS repeats on in the background - are you getting caught up??

My only plans for the rest of today is to make no plan - chill out, rest and see what comes.

@Appleblossom Thanks. I know you are always there in the background - and it does mean alot to hear from you - yes it is a struggle and yes you guys are there for me. I do have those moments where I wonder why - I think a lot of us do - and then I am reminded by you wonderful people the constant support that is here.

@utopia Your whole first paragraph did it!!! You may not see how much those words mean but I do

Guess what - I am totally exhausted - and not sure I have enough petrol - but I am going to take Toby to the beach - it is not a very nice day but I think we both need it.

Enjoy MaFS and I'll check in with you when we get back

Hi @Zoe7 my friend how are you tonight? xxxoo

@utopia @BlueBay @Pepsimax

I did go to the beach with Toby. It was very quiet - only a handful of people - that was really good.

It was a bit cold and I managed to keep Toby out of the water (not easy to do these days but I think he thought it was a bit cold too). He ran around for a while but stayed pretty close today. He usually just runs off by himself, plays with other dogs and looks back occasionally to check I'm still there. He really is feeling my emotions and sticking very close.

I cried most of the way home - I think more from being tired than anything. I probably shouldn't have gone but Toby really needed to run around. He does seem a little more settled now and hopefully he won't be as jumpy tonight. His barking and running around when he heard anything was really starting to affect me. He rarely barks - it's only usually when he is talking to me - yes he does talk - I know when he needs to go outside, when he wants to play or when there is someone outside - they are different barks.

I am doing ok at the moment but can feel the exhaustion and the emotions just bubbling below the surface. I need to sleep tonight and get some strength back. I know what will happen if I don't sleep and I'm trying not to let my fears get to me because that will affect whether I can sleep or not tonight.

How is everyone else doing to night?
@utopia did you catch up on MaFS today?

yes @Zoe7 - I just finished last weeks episodes. Wow. I don't like that Antony or Anthony. Whatever his name is. I've already diagnosed him as BorderLine Narcicist. He is so agressive and sees life as a competition and everything is someone elses fault. Classic symptoms. I'm hoping his nice 'wife' will kick him to the curb tomorrow night. Want to watch it with me? We can bitch and gossip while it's on. lol.

I didn't mean for you to take Toby for a walk. You were already too tired. But maybe your dad or sister or someone could have taken him. Otherwise you are doing too much.

But maybe the salt air will help you sleep tonight.