Am Not Coping

@Zoe7 I'm going to the farmers market in the morning with my friend which is just really shopping. We don't stay long but it's good to get out the house and speak with someone even if only for an hour.

I think on Sunday I have S3 and S4 coming to help dig out a patch for a garden shed. That's the extent of my very exciting weekend. I could do with borrowing your trailer I think.

im pretty much on survival like you too. So I'm trying not to get too carried away with stuff. Today I haven't been out of bed for more than 40 min at a time and had a huge meltdown in the middle of the day I had to sleep off. That trip driving my son was the longest time out of bed 😔

@Former-Member That sounds like a great thing to do in the morning

You can borrow my trailer anytime!!! lol

I would have liked tostay in bed all day today. I had to go to the medical centre this morning to drop off some more forms. They are going to fax and then post them. Then I just have to wait until they are received and processed bu the insurance company and await their decision. It could take up to 6 weeks. I hope it is sooner because I need some money coming in - so much added stress.

I think we worked on my plan today over about a 3 to 4 hour period. It was a really long time - too long!! It certainly sent me in a downward spiral towards the end.

I read your post - I know what you mean when you are in that downward spiral nothing really works - that's how I usually feel - nothing will help and there is no point trying!!

Today is the first day for weeks that I haven't had an appointment with my GP or a message from her. It's ok today - tomorrow or Sunday might be a different matter! I have only messaged her a few times - she texts or calls me the most - nearly everyday I have an appointment to see her!

That's a long time @Zoe7. No wonder you are tired. Don't write it off yet though. I didn't know until I was in it if it would work or not. I still need the prompt of it though. There has never been a point yet that I've thought 'ooh perhaps I'll get my safety plan now' Its too hard when I'm in the thick of it. From what I've seen of others though they learn to use it way before the point of no control. I've a long way to go 😒

You never know your GP might surprise you and send you a message. My therapist left for a conference in Europe in the middle of the year and had told me that she would be out of contact. She ended up messaging me most days although though I think it was because she was excited learning things we could use in therapy lol.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. 💜🤗 I'm a bit worried as I need sleep if I have a chance at getting the next day ok. My mood is so thrown by little sleep. I'm a bit worried because the only real sleep I've been having lately is on ben-zos which I know I can't rely on. I get addicted very easily. I have antipsychotics which work too but I get knocked around the next day a bit. Have you found night meds to work for you yet?

@Former-Member The night meds I'm on now do help me sleep - we increased them about a week ago. I had them early today because of the afternoon I'd had- just wanted to escape the day. Then just as I was getting to sleep someone knocked on the door - it was a Red Cross volunteer. After that I was awake again and I don't have anything else to take until tomorrow. I also have my morning meds doubled tomorrow. It really is await-and-see approach for the next few days and weeks - see if I am too tired and spaced out during the dayand if we need to adjust doses and times I take them. My psychiatrist appointment isn't until May - so my GP is doing what she can to get it right - with input fromthe psychiatrist when she can talk to her.

I don't function either without sleep - anf that is whenlife really starts getting away from me. I can't control my thoughts and fears when I am not sleeping.

You know that the nights are the hardest and when I can't sleep the fears take over and I crash!!! The hardest parts have been when I make during the night - usually from nightmares - and I don't actually know what I am doing - this is when it is the most unsafe for me - I can't make a plan for that!!! Not having any medication is the safest thing I can do. How do you stop thinking - 'I would be better off not being here' - all the time? It seems that even when I am not doing too bad,I still think about it!

I get that with the thoughts @Zoe7. It's hard work 24/7. Today I got to 'just do it' again but pulled it together because I cried myself to sleep and then woke up and knew I had to fight. Ended up posting and got just enough help/motivation to get going again. Tonight on the way home an hour ago I got lost in my head with negative thoughts and did the 'what's the point' but was in a good enough headspace to tell myself I need to change my thoughts because I wasn't going anywhere good. This is a relatively good day in that I had much more control. It doesn't leave me and hasn't really since before Christmas. But I'm lucky because I don't have the nightmares or flashbacks that you and others on the forum have. I think that would make it incredibly difficult. I just can't see the point of me.

yes you just made me realise the difficulty of having very limited meds. They've wanted to do that with mine but I've been lucky enough so far that they haven't controlled them. I was very lucky to get a senior psychiatrist in hospital last time who prescribed them for me. It has helped having sleeping meds but I still go under. I'm really proud of you that you know you can't trust yourself though. That's a huge strength. 👍💜🤗😘

@Former-Member It took me a week to tell my GP what I had done. She was truly shocked at the time - the result is she won't give me a script for anything - either she or one of the staff at the medical centre take my scripts to the chemist and I just pick up daily. So it wasn't really my decision - it was made for me!

I get the 'can't see the point of me' stuff. I really can't either. It doesn't matter how much anyone tries to convince me that I matter - I can't see that. All I can see is the pain and how much I want it to stop. I don't think the flashbacks and nightmares make it any harder for me than what your situation does for you - pain is pain and hurt is hurt!!! We can't compare one situation against another because even though they are different - they are also the same in the effect it has on each of us.

@Former-Member You actually made me laugh a little - wonder why you kept getting admitted!!!!! lol

yes that faith and hope chick is pretty awesome - I was just thinking earlier 'what am I going to do now in the middle of the night without her? - and as if someone smiled down on me - there you were!! I can't begin to explain how much F&H and Utopia have helped me lately - yes I probably can 'cos I'm still here (says it all really)!!!

I know how much this place has held me up, kept me going and been my lifeline - but do you ever think- I've been here before and people are just hearing the same stuff again and they must be sick of it! - why can't I move on, move forward, get better, not revisit old stuff, and why put other people through my failures?

Hope you sleep well

Thankyou for chatting with me tonight. It has been really helpful just having some company. You're a gem @Former-Member