Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor26 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm AEDT

Am Not Coping

I am really not coping at the moment but this is entirely on ME!

This is a message for a few people on here @utopia @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member

that I asked could be passed on but it seems that only part of it has been and I understand from the responses that have made it through my emails that I have caused untold distress for some people. I was not going to return because of what I felt I put people through but I especially wanted @utopia and @Former-Member to know that they were not wrong at the time and I was going through a real crisis period. You both held me together for longer than I could myself until the point where my own self-destructive thoughts overwhelmed me.

The entire message that I sent to SANE is below:

I have just viewed the multitude of emails and messages sent from forum members and members of the SANE team – as well as the text and voice message left on my phone.

I have not been able to communicate with anyone since the other night as I have been recovering from what ended up being an unsuccessful attempt to end the pain.

At the time I was in a very distressed state and I did want to stop the pain and all I seemed to achieve is to cause others pain and worry and that is the last thing I wanted to do – I just wanted to end mine and say goodbye to everyone beforehand so my future absence was explained. I should have realised that the message I posted would have concerned some people but I really was not in any state to think about the repercussions for others.

I am so sorry I caused so much distress to others – that is something I will have to hopefully try and live with.

I don’t believe after the concern and anxiety I caused to so many that I will ever be able to return to the forum.

Can someone from the SANE team please explain all this to all those involved and pass on my gratitude for their compassion, concerns and kind words throughout the time I have been part of the ‘forum family’.

Thank you and sorry again for the difficult position I put everyone in.

Zoe7

I do not want any responses from any of you. I just wanted to let you know exactly what has happened and let you know how truly sorry I am for hurting people I have come to think of as friends and family, and who I really care about.

Your support, advice and compassion are what make you all the wonderful people you are.

@utopia and @Former-Member I am so sorry that the trust you placed in me has now been broken because of my actions. I also felt that we had a stronger connection, especially over the last week, and you both helped me in ways I cannot even describe or explain. I was not pulling away from you two - just wanted to pull away from myself. I couldn't cope with my own feelings and no-one or nothing was actually going to be able to stop me at the time. It's now just another failure to add to my list of failures. I really don't know what else to say to you both but to reiterate my heartfelt 'sorry'.

38645 replies

1,111 - 1,120 of 38,645

1...111 112 113...3,865

In response to: Am Not Coping

Shaz51Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 4:51 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hello @utopia, @Zoe7, @NikNik

I find writting things down helps me , when things are done , I cross them out , I am keeping a notebook beside my bed

ha ha sometimes I will write on the notebook in the dark and when I look at it in the morning -- it is a mess

In response to: Am Not Coping

Matt12Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

I find this topic "funny" if we where "copping" would not have anyting to do this this site like normal people what ever works...works !!

In response to: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember17 Feb 2017, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @Zoe7.

I'm so sorry I haven't been around much to support you of late but you are truly always in my thoughts. I've had lots of wobbly moments over the past few weeks (in all honestly probably years) too.
I find nothing works as a constant go to. My old psychologist had a list in my safety plan that was all very sensory and temperature based. For a while it worked. It included starting with a cold glass of water, then a cool shower for a few mins then normal shower and wash my hair and use really nice different shower gel and focus on the smell and feel of it. It had to be different to my normal one. Then end the shower with a quick burst of cold (hardly ever did that). Lowering my temperature can help at times of extreme distress.

I think the thing that was important for me to realise was that nothing will be guaranteed to work and if it works one time it might not work another but don't add that to your distress. At one stage I was more distressed when my strategies didn't work. I think I just have to take it by the moment. For me anything multisensory like lighting candles is good. Eating cold chocolate. I'm even thinking things like put a fan on yourself. When you get cold you have to get up to turn it off or put more clothes on. Just being forced to get up sometimes is enough. I can tell you yesterday just getting up and having food and sitting outside helped me and broke the cycle just enough to keep going forward.

I can identify with you and your fears for this weekend too. I had that kind if support a few years back. It seems huge when you are in it. It's ok to feel that way. I think I would feel the same with mine. I have her number and can ring her anytime but I have only contacted her about 5 times after hours in the past 10 months. The first time I saw her years ago I was manic calling her all the time. I'm ashamed to say I was completely out of control. When we got back together last year we had to change it for both of us so we set some boundaries. Just knowing she's there means heaps to me. I guess what would help is to keep remembering that she is with you, you just can't talk to her for a few days.

I also think that you'll miss the routine of seeing her. I'm glad you still have to get out for meds. Maybe make a routine of that too. Get a coffee and sit somewhere nice for the next couple of days just to add a new routine.

I hope this helps. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs. 💜😊💐

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 7:49 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@utopia Hope the gastro has subsided and you are feeling a little better tonight. If not rest up and hope you can get to your expo tomorrow.

Zoe

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 8:18 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Thanks @Zoe7. Have been feeling a bit bettee. Just ate some dinner.
How has your night gone? Toby under your feet? Cat ready to come in for the night?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 8:38 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Hi @utopia my beautiful friend. So nice to hear from you tonight. I was in bed earlier and someone came to the door - so now I'm up and don't want to be - but wide awake again. I spent most of this afternoon working on some more of my safety plan with NikNik. It took a lot out of me. She posted for some more suggestions etc. but I haven't had the energy to look at them yet - will probably leave that until tomorrow!

So glad you are feeling a little better and have eaten. You need to preplace some of the energy you would have lost today - I need to take my own advice to!!!

Toby is running around everywhere tonight - he seems to be jumping at every sound - taking after his mummy. He has been laying either on top of me or as close as he can for the last two days - they definitely know when something is not right! Cat is still outside - she was in her room earlier but I think Toby disturbed her and she went outside to get away from him.

How is your son's thumb? Are you going to the expo tomorrow?

In response to: Am Not Coping

utopiaSenior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 9:20 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Zoe7. Very annoying when you are sleeping and get disturbed - then you are wide awake. I hate that.
His thumb is sore but he won't let me strap his hand. He is so stubborn.
He's going to my sisters for the day tomorrow while I'm at the expo. He doesn't want to come. I used to drag him around this farmers expo every year when he was little. So he's not interested in going there again.
Yes our dogs pick up on our moods.

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 9:26 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

Yeah @utopia took my meds really early to shut out the day a bit and now I don't have anymore to take - very frustrating. I am tired but no longer sleepy - sucks. Regardless - I am doing a bit better tonight than I have been the last couple of days and nights - hope that lasts and I can get some sleep later.

Are you looking for anything particular at the expo or just whatever catches your eye?

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Unknown userMember17 Feb 2017, 9:43 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

hi @Zoe7

*******just saw your last post. Perhaps don't read this now if you are doing ok just now and leave it until tomorrow ************

I wasn't sure about posting what I did today. Sometimes it feels more distressing to have all that stuff thrown at you. Every now and then you find something really helpful though so I posted just in case. I'm not very far along with self managing at all. I need lots of help. For me I've been able to follow people like @Former-Member and see her progress with it all and it makes it seem more real that one day I might cope better by myself too. I posted about my old therapist and said I was out of control with her. Please please don't read that as a judgement that I think you are. I'll tell you what I did to make it out of control if you want to know if it would be helpful for you. I feel very ashamed now. It was bad. I just wrote it to let you know that I really really know some of the feelings you are experiencing with it. Anyway I just wanted to let you know and reinforce not to put too much pressure on yourself with it. It has taken me until just before Christmas to even own a safety plan and it sometimes helps to get me through but I feel pressured by it sometimes. I do think it's important and am glad I went through the process as long as it doesn't become too overwhelming. Anyway take it easy. Look after yourself. 💜🤗

In response to: Re: Am Not Coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor17 Feb 2017, 9:56 pm AEDT

Re: Am Not Coping

@Former-Member I haven't even read what people posted earlier this afternoon yet. I'm sure whatever you wrote will be helpful - because it is from YOU It was a really long afternoon - I think we worked on it over several hours and it was so draining. I finally had to stop and @NikNik posted on this thread for me because I was exhausted. I will take a look at what everyone wrote - but not until at least tomorrow - need a little bit of distance for now. I did read one post - which was the last one before you posted and that really upset me so I logged off and didn't read anymore. the whole process has taken a couple of weeks. I did most of my plan with @Former-Member but found I couldn't find many things to help myself - I got a bit further with this today. I know when I am in a pretty bad place it comes quickly - it doesn't seem to take much these days to trigger me - and it is really hard to do anything to pull myself back up. At least having the plan there it may help if I can start seeing myself falling - is likely to work best during the day - the nights are another matter!!!

1,111 - 1,120 of 38,645

1...111 112 113...3,865