Am Not Coping

Hello @Zoe7

thinking of you me friend

I am even busier than before , feeling a bit tired but ok xx

@NikNik I'm ok for now - it's been a really big couple of days and I'm tired, a bit overwhelmed and not really feeling very good within myself. The conversation Tuesday night was both good and bad for me. It felt really good to be able to use my 'brain' and to be able to enter into a conversation on a topic that required focus to make a worthwhile contribution. The down side was that after I was still awake for several hours and kept thinking about how much I missed work - both working with the kids and the mental stimulation it gave me.

Yesterday there was just too much in one day that exhausted me both mentally and physically. My parents called in and not only was I not expecting them but I had to 'pretend' that everything was ok so I didn't have the added pressure from them (especially my Mum) of 100 questions and then her answering her own questions with what 'she' thinks I should be doing. While they were here I had a message that one of my ex-students was in hospital. As much as I hate hospitals I went in to see her and that alone would have been enough to cause a fare degree of stress and anxiety. She is ok and was released while I was there so that is a positive. Then I had to fill in all my paperwork for the insurance company at my GP's and that took nearly 2 hours. The paperwork alone was enough but having to go through everything over the last few months and put it into writing was exceptionally tough.

I was feeling quite anxious and low when I got home and a few little things all happened one after the other - nothing that would usually get to me that much but considering the long day I had already had, I just couldn't cope with it all. Then it became really winding and that is a real trigger for me. So the tough day, several little triggers, one big one and the usual fears when it gets dark sent me into a downward spiral that I couldn't pull myself out of. I cried myself to sleep and that has certainly affected how I felt when I woke up. I was still feeling overwhelmed and down this morning so I just tried to sleep as much as I could. This also sent me to a place where I was very down on myself and feeling like I was letting people down because I don't seem to be able to pull myself out of this position and I feel like I should be able to. I know in my head that I am doing what I can - and maybe sometimes a little bit more - but my self-esteem is so low that I don't see or feel it. I also feel like I am continually talking about the same 'stuff' and people are just going to get sick of it and I will be on my own again to deal with it. I have been on my own and so independent for so long - and never needed support as much as I have done over the last couple of months - and I find it really hard to ask for help and understand that people are actually there to provide that help. I also don't want to feel that vulnerable and to say that I am not coping and I need support - that vulnerability really scares me - too much history and too many triggers. So at times it just feels like I am stuck between my fears and accepting support. Hope that makes sense to you because sometimes it doesn't to me.

Firstly @utopia Married at First Sight isn't on again until Monday - but if you need an update I had the re-run on yesterday afternoon and pretty much caught up on what is happening!

I think I have been really struggling the last few days with missing my friend and how devastating it actually was to be so happy having someone in my life like her and then being so alone again. I just want it to be how it was and enjoy that feeling of knowing everyday that there is someone there who I can talk to and how I care about being in my life. I know this isn't going to happen and I just feel very empty because of it. I don't regret the friendship we had in any way - I still have the same feelings towards her and I think I always will - but I also can't deal with the hurt of it ending so quickly - maybe that is just where I'm at with other things at the moment but it still hurts a lot.

As for my Mum - I can't talk to her about anything. I blame her for so much and to in order to talk to her I would have to bring up so much that she doesn't know and I don't want her to know - even the thought of that is too much. I have been so independent since I was a child - out of necessity not choice, and that has continued for all of my life. It's not just because I had to but also because I needed to to protect myself. I don't necessarily want to keep things to myself now because of others may think - more that there would be so many people hurt and that is something I can't be responsible for. The actual pain it would all cause others is more than I could deal with. The fallout would not just affect my family but a lot of other people - and I can't be responsible for that.

Hi all,

@Zoe7 I'm sorry to hear you have had such a tough day. I hope you can sleep ok tonight and that tomorrow is a brighter day for you.

I saw my GP this morning. She had a student doctor in with her and she asked me if I wanted him to stay or not. Even though it made for a different dynamic, I figured it was a good opportunity to educate an up-and-coming doctor about the importance of mental health stuff I think it is true what was said on Tuesday night during Topic Tuesday - the generation coming through DO view mental health stuff differently. Every time I see my GP it amuses me that she is so very young, such a brand new GP, clearly feels unsure of herself at times about whether she is saying the "right" thing...and yet she is the best GP I've ever had. Gee...I wonder what things will look like in the mental health system twenty years from now. I so badly hope they are vastly improved to where they are now.

Night all

@utopia I hope your son's thumb isn't broken

Wht is the expo you are going to? Anything interesting - I suppose it is if you are going lol

If you miss MaFS on Saturday also I'll fill you in before Monday night - very interesting - can't believe I've got hooked on such dribble myself!!!!

Would it be my fault or my responsibility if family or others found out - NO but it would not take away my pain - it would just add to it!

Am I ok? - yes