Am Not Coping

@Faith-and-HopeI think you finally got to sleep. Goodnight & I hope tommorrow is better

Hi @Sans911 ....

I did doze off, on Chair Island. I have woken up enough to drag myself off the Bed Island, but I have found your message now and I want to let you know that this happens sometimes ...... it has happened to me before, and others .....

You are a caring and compassionate person, and the support you offer here on the forums is well-considered and sensitive. I haven't gone looking to see where you were posting and to whom yet .... but sometimes we catch someone who is spiralling in their thoughts and feelings, and the support we offer falls on deaf ears and they continue spiralling, making us feel like we have said the wrong thing.

Its a hard one, but try op out to take it personally. The person you were talking to might feel differently when they wake up in the morning, or at least more appreciative of your efforts to try to walk along with them with empathy. Anyone who knows you knows that your intentions were to be supportive.

Sending you a cyber hug, and I will check in on you later today. I am hoping to go back to sleep soon, as I hope you have too.

💜🌿💕

Hi @Sans911 .... 💜

I'm still here. Went for a wander and found your difficult moment I think .....

Do what you need to do for self-care, but sometimes staying on other threads here that are supportive to you can help .... whatever you are most comfortable with.

Have found that my son didn't eat the dinner I had heated for him and left under a lid on the table .... and I am hungry again now, so will eat it and be done with two issues at once .... 😏

Here for a little while yet if it helps.

@Faith-and-Hope I love my socks - I would actually wear them

I didn't get much sleep at all. Was 'one of those nights' with constant flashbacks and nightmares - I should have expected that considering how I was feeling. I did take extra meds and went to bed (probably should have stayed on couch island) but they didn't help - was prepared to take more but resisted - think maybe because Cat was snuggled in with me and she doesn't get the chance to do that often with Toby around - but he was on his bed on the floor - once he jumps off the bed he can't get back up so Cat gets to snuggle. I am so worried about going to hospital for the tests and so scared of not being awake whilst there - it is bringing up so much and I am finding it very difficult to deal with

I also haven't told you (or anyone on here) that I found out this week that my Principal and another teacher that I am closest to at work are both leaving at the end of this week. They have been my 2 supports at work and I have no idea how I am going to deal with them not being there. My Principal is the only one who knows anything that is going on for me and she has kept it all to herself - I actually trust her and she will be gone - I do not know what is going to happen now and feel like I am back to square one and don't want to return to work at all - I can't even think about it without having support to do it - so everything is up in the air again. The changes are too much - I do feel like my world is crumbling around me and I have no way of stopping it - and I don't have the energy to even try!

Hi Hon @Faith-and-Hope

I have to drag myself out to the chemist - just want to sleep but if I don't go now it will be closed. Be back soon and hopefully be able to be on here again!

Hi @Zoe7 .... 💜💐💕

That's lunch out of the way ... dragons all fed now and quiet for a while ...

Zoe7, I know it's scary that the Principal and your teacher-friend are leaving. Your poor tired brain is fearing the worst, but somewhere in there ..... if I can poke and prod a little .... you will also be able to locate the awareness that change doesn't automatically translate to "bad outcome" ....

When we have had a repeat of "bad outcome", then we tend to brace ourselves all the time, expecting the worst and only seeing what is not good ..... and we look right past the gifts and possibilities that are there too ....

Do you know that I love, love, love cats ? I adore them so much, but WH not only doesn't, he was raised with the idea that they are dirty, and pests. I think if we ever owned one, the power of feline persuasion would win him over, and quite quickly, particularly if that feline were an itty bitty kitten when it came to us. He has told the kids that if we did buy a cat, it would have to live outside, and of course, that's not fair to the cat .... quite apart from sharing the yard with Wolfie .... the cat would very quickly go find the sort of home it needed.

I delight in the fact that you have a cat .... you have a cat for me ..... how's that ? I get to share in the life of your cat through the power of cyber-friendship, even though Toby, by rights, has the best seat in the house, and the spotlight.

What I am trying to say is that gifts and positive changes come from surprising directions, and bring us joy outside our expectations .... but we only find that in the moment when it is happening .... and if we anticipate the worst right up to the moment of finding that it's not like that, then we have robbed ourselves of joy in the process.

I am sorry if this is sounding "preachy" ..... it's not intended to be.

It might be that in place of these two people you appreciate so much, you return to find five new people there who have heard great things about you and are really looking forward to working with you.

It might be that a community service project comes up that takes you out of teaching and in a new creative direction.

I am sure from where you are at the moment you can't imagine that the motivation or desire for anything new will be there, but healing your physical body will restore so many other things, including your taste for life, and your passion for creativity.

Who would have dreamed that we would both land here, meet, get to know each other, and form a cyber-friendship like this ? There are many other wonderful opportunities waiting for you Zoe7 ..... when you are strong enough to what them.

Here with you till then, and beyond ..... ❣️

Hugs @Faith-and-Hope, @Zoe7

The problem is @Faith-and-Hope - from my experience - change does lead to bad outcomes. I could not identify one time in my life that a significant change has not been followed by something 'bad' happening - whether this is just my perception of my life or the reality - I don't know but being unable to identify anything positive at all is not from lack of trying. I know there have been so many big changes and so many things 'going wrong' over the last few weeks and that has all completely overwhelmed me. I cannot fight the feeling that the Principal leaving, in particular, is going to have a significant impact on when/how/where I will return to work (if at all). Up until this point I have never had any doubts that I would be back in the same position, at the same school and be 100% supported in returning to work in a way that would be good for me - as the Principal has stated this everytime I have met with her. Now I feel out on my own again and with no idea what is to come.

I still find it hard to believe that I could have such a friendship on here with you. I often feel like I will wake up the next day (if I sleep) and I would have imagined it all - that the connection really wasn't real. I sometimes find these thoughts harder to cope with than some 'others'.

I have never felt anything but worthless - in any capacity - in relationships, friendships, work, sport etc. - achievements mean nothing unless you feel them yourself! I don't know how to break out of a mindset that has been ingrained in me for all of my life - even glimpses of happiness have been quickly followed by the sad realisation that it wil soon end and my 'normal' life will resume.

I do live a very lonely, isolated and guarded life. I don't necessarily want to live any differently but I would like to know that it was an option if suddenly my whole life turned completely around (which will not happen). Being so hurt, so often and so repeatedly over so long - I can't do any of that anymore - enough is enough - and I have had more than enough.

I am even being very careful on here now at forming any kind of bonds with anyone else as I have in the back of my mind that it is becoming my only outlet for support and that everyone will see who I truly am and that will be the end of that support here too - it doesn't matter what others think they see in me as it is only what I see in myself that I can 'hear'. I also do not want anyone to care at all if I am here or not - then it will be easier to 'leave' if it comes to that.

Outside of my little bubble here with Toby and Cat there is no life - and even though that is very sad, it is my reality - and my reality is heartbreaking