Am Not Coping

saw GP yesterday - tried to talk but couldn't say much - no words - too hard. Took all the energy I had to get there and back home.

Heat pump being done tomorrow - need to try find a way to get organised for that and cope with him being here - already anxious about that.

Just trying to get through tonight first @Faith-and-Hope - don't want to go to sleep and dont want to wake up if I do!

Yes he is right next to me - spread out and asleep @Faith-and-Hope

I don't know what else to say - I am trying but finding it very hard!

The last few days have been so hard to get through @Faith-and-Hope I am worn down and worn out! I've made plans but haven't had the energy to carry them through - that is all that stopped me - not being able to physically move! All I've done for the last few days (other then GP appointment) is stare at the walls, cry or sleep for short periods on the couch. I cry myself to sleep and then wake up crying - and in so much pain. I wish so much that this would all stop but I only know one way to do that!

I had actually stopped crying until I read your post Believing any of that would mean that there is a reason to keep going and I really don't want to @Faith-and-Hope

I wish the pain was just stomach pain - that is hard enough to deal with without the pain that comes with everything else! I can't describe it, I can't even try. Thoughts and feelings are having so much impact. I am feeling completely numb and in so much pain at the same time - how does that work!

I haven't suffered the sample sort of trauma as you have @Zoe7 .... but the trauma I have suffered in our situation has left me with periods of time where that acute pain was coexisting with numbness.

I can't focus too hard on that because I can bring it to the surface again, and if I allow it too much room to replay on repeat, I won't be able to function beyond it. It's a room in my heart where I know that pain exists, like the pain that I experienced losing my mother. I can only open the door a fraction on those rooms without their contents overwhelming me. I can live with them with the door closed.

As your physical health issues are dealt with @Zoe7 ..... you have to take that little furball Toblerone of yours, and begin seeking the light again. That is the key to getting that feeling that has taken up so much residence in your being back into its closed room, or box, or wherever it needs to be so that your life begins to weave its way back into you ....

A cup of tea in the sun outside your door .... tidying up one small corner of the room that has come out of place .... taking a moment to browse in the window of a store when you visit the gp .... all the little things that you have slowly given up, it means taking them up again and putting them back into place in your life. Slowly, slowly, stretching a little bit further, reaching towards the light.

Take a drive to the beach. Open the door of the car and place your two feet on the ground. Feel them there, pressing against the ground, then drive home again.

Plan another day to drive to the beach again. Plant your feet on the ground, and see whether, in this place, on this day, you can stand up .... and feel your feet pressing against the ground, and the wind and the sun on your face.

Plan another day .... reach .... stretch that little bit further to walking to the front of the car, leaning against the bonnet .... stay there a while ....

But just for tonight .... breathe.

I will stay with you for a while.

Biggest hugs @Zoe7 .... 💚💚💚🦋💕

My internet cut out at home, so I thought I had lost this .... just found it auto saved .... that was my delay in responding.

"Sample" = same

@Zoe7 .....