Anyone have trauma from institutions like school and work?

hey @Jlol thanks for sharing this!

i resonated with parts of what you said about the fear of authority figures, constant fear of getting things wrong, etc. for me though, it definitely started at home first and then worsened when my parents talked to my teachers in primary school. from around third grade onwards, i had a complete change in personality, went from this bubbly cheeky kid to a really anxious and shy one. i think parts of this contributed to my social anxiety, i found it hard to connect with teachers/managers/co-workers, etc because i felt like i'd say the wrong thing and mess up, or that i wasn't performing well enough.
you mentioned you hate the concept of work, i think i can relate to that too. i do work in roles that i truly enjoy and if i had a choice to work - i still would, i think i just don't like that society expects us to follow work structures (like working specific hours each day). i'd rather have complete flexibility and freedom of when/where/how i do my work but realistically, i don't see that being possible anytime soon (and it would probably be a big loss and stress on companies too). i have worked hard to find roles that meet my ideal standards, and so far i've found a couple roles that make me feel pretty prioritised. i also think about starting my own business a lot of the time so i have complete control of my work and my needs. i think accepting that this is the way the world works was the first step for me, and then now i'm working on finding ways i can be authentic and adapt to the way society works.
it's honestly such a big concept to process and it makes a lot of sense that this is quite overwhelming to accept and think about. the important part is your taking the steps to understand yourself and work on this. please do take your time, there's no rush and there's no clear 'right' or 'wrong'. things constantly change, and it's okay to change your mind too.

@Jlol

Work most definitely. My therapist has acknowledged it also.

Couple examples

micro managed always had me feeling on edge. Always scared I would do something deemed wrong.

I would be praised for having lot of knowledge but felt like things were held against me when I didn’t have all the answers

I used to dread going to work in fear of what ‘wrong thing’ was going to be held against me.

its physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting and impacts on physical and mental health.

My life story... 😄 That's exactly how I felt about medicine. You really quoted some of my thoughts.

I was traumatised as a child by medical treatment, and so much of your list resonates exactly for me.

Medical interventions feeling like punishment? Yup

Fear of authority figures? Yup

Fear of doing something wrong and being punished for it? Yup!!

Constant feeling of being watched, monitored, and judged - yeh, kind of. In my case, every time something went hard in my life, I would go back (internally) into a space in which I was tightly controlled, judged and punish. That was my default space.

My primary school experience wasn't helpful either, and in some ways consolidated this primary trauma. Then I carried many of these fears and patterns into my workplace.

And now what?
Being the stubborn optimist I am, I do believe you can come to dissemble some of this trauma and, on top of liking your job, feeling more comfortable in the concept of work.

You mentioned that your job and workplace can be positive for you. That's fantastic.
So what else is missing? What can give you a sense of choice, if doing something you like is not enough?

I don't know if it's relevant for you, but I think of a friend of mine who is struggling in her workplace. Some features of it trigger her childhood experiences of not being seen or heard and it terrified her. So one way is looking for another job in a better structured organisation, but another one is to make more space for herself in the workplace, a more living space: bringing her loved ones' photos. Hanging a meaningful poem beside her desk. Bringing better food in, trying to have lunch with friends more often - anything that would help her breathe in this space, anything that would help her feel more alive.

What could work for you?

@Jlol everyone that I have ever met, that has a mortgage, feels the same way you do.

@Glisten so what's the point of living?

If 99.9% of us are destined to have insignificant-to-none control over our lives and time, why bother? Why not quit while you're ahead and avoid the inevitable stress and pain?

@Jlol because you control what you do ⭐️

You control how you react in every situation.

Because of the pure sensory pleasure of seeing someone smile.

The wind on your face, salt spray from the ocean. The warmth of the sun on your back. Laughter.

A little kid catching rain drops on his tongue.

Biscoff white chocolate biscuits.

Because tomorrow I get another chance to do life. While there is life, there is hope.

@Glisten

Sorry but I 100% do not agree with you.

There's something that we never talk about - societal pressures. We humans have built this society up for a reason and we pressure other humans to confirm. If they don't they get ostracised, which is a terrible result for any communal animal, humans included.

The stuff you mentioned there, hell, I can't even experience that. At least not to a degree to justify all the other bad things.

If those things you mentioned, and any other nice things, happened with a respectable frequency then, yeah, life might be worth it. But the fact is they just don't. The stuff you mention doesn't happen at a work desk. Or in a car commuting. Or whilst doing chores. Or whilst being yelled at by someone. The stuff you mentioned does happen, but not enough. And there in lies my problem.

It's like that poem (I can't remember who it was by) written about someone contemplating su***de, but they go for a walk and see all this nice stuff. They had a lovely, perfect day. But that was special. Not everyday is like that. In fact days like that are rare, which is why it made a good subject for a poem. It annoyingly implies that there is nice and good in the world and that it is accessible to us if only we weren't so stupid or dumb or whatever and opened our eyes. But in reality, I can't spend day after day walking around town admiring beauty, taking it easy, lingering over a cup or coffee or eating a nice meal. Because society dictates I have bills to pay and must, work, work, work. Funny how no one ever writes about that part...

@Jlol first off... your anger is absolutely valid. The modern world is a nightmare, and having to work to the bone just to survive is absolutely horrific. I've had several existential crises about this, I'm even bringing it up at therapy this week. Can almost feel like it rots the soul. So it's definitely not just you.

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@Jlol wrote:

It annoyingly implies that there is nice and good in the world and that it is accessible to us if only we weren't so stupid or dumb or whatever and opened our eyes. But in reality, I can't spend day after day walking around town admiring beauty, taking it easy, lingering over a cup or coffee or eating a nice meal. Because society dictates I have bills to pay and must, work, work, work.

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Society does dictate this... But why do you have to follow it? Yes, we are 100% trapped within these systems, but it doesn't mean we are obliged to live a life of hustle culture, or adhere to the lies told by mainstream media about what constitutes a life of purpose and meaning.

From what you've expressed, it sounds a lot like you hate your job, and that you don't really have anything outside of work that provides fulfillment - which, if work is taxing all your energy, would make sense. Do you think things would look different if you found work that felt more aligned with your values (or at least one that didn't drain the joy right out of you)?

Thanks for the reply @Jynx

> Society does dictate this... But why do you have to follow it?

Because if I don't life would be worse. If I didn't work, I would be, eventually, homeless which would be worse. Work is only optional for the very rich.

> Do you think things would look different if you found work that felt more aligned with your values (or at least one that didn't drain the joy right out of you)?

No. The problem isn't the work. In fact, I really like my job at the moment. It's the time and energy it takes from you. Sure, if there was a job that paid me the same as I was on now but was half the time I'd jump at it. But that doesn't exist.

@JlolI raised three children on my own in state housing. They were latch door key children. I worked and went to university.

They are 40, 38 and 37. Two are happily married and have two children each.

I just got out of a 13 year coercive control dv relationship and was left homeless on the opposite side of the country. With nothing to show for a 20 year career as pa in politics, where narcissists and sociopaths are the norm.

I have my car and 2 suitcases 🧳 and

I’ve had to rely on the kindness of people for a place to live.

Today my 37 year old found out she has congenital heart disease.

I can only control what I do.