trying to work out how to approach scheduled discussion with my partner

I'm hearing you and it sounds like things are so hard right now @AbsentDecent . Do you have family support or others you can talk to?

I do. My support network has been very kind to me, but I'm struggling to actually find a way to approach this that isn't just a continuation of the pattern you know? Me feeling like I need her to respond a certain way so I can feel heard and respected, and her feeling like that expectation is a trap she needs to defend herself from.

Have you tried partner counselling @AbsentDecent ?

We actually scheduled our first session a few weeks ago before everything escalated last weekend. The appointment isn't for another 2 weeks though, and I can't afford to not be at home that long.

It sounds like you are taking active steps for things to improve, yet I'm also mindful you both have boundaries to keep. Do you think it is a bit about give and take?

If there was one thing that needed to be changed, what would be the top priority right now @AbsentDecent ?

my first thought is that I need to change how her reaction to me having a need or feeling is to take it as an attack.

my second thought is that I need to work on myself so that isn't my first thought any more.

I can't tell you what to do because I'm not in your situation, but for me, either in a neutral place or over the phone is probably a good start. To hear her out, give her a chance to speak.

I guess it's important to consider the goal of the conversation. If it is to work things out, then this is different if it is to ensure the other hears you out.

@AbsentDecent

You can only control that which is in your control. Unfortunately you cannot change how your partner will act or react.

Please know you are not alone.

Hi @AbsentDecent. It sounds like a really difficult situation and with the two different attachment styles leading you both to wanting very different ways of resolving this. I only discovered attachment styles a few months ago and discovered that mine was a disorganized style. Being a combination of avoidant and anxious styles. So i get your need to go back home and talk face to face, but I also understand her wanting to do it over the phone and maintaining some distance from you.

As you said, it's a different way each of you have of protecting yourselves and they seem to be at the 2 opposite ends making this situation very difficult. I think it's important for the both of you to understand that each of you have these different ways of trying to deal with this and making that clear to each other first so that you can both get a good feel for how much of a struggle you are both having and come to some compromises that you can both feel reasonably comfortable with in trying to discuss everything else.

It is really hard to let our defenses down enough and risk that rejection and quieten those emotional reactions that control our thinking for long enough to create a safe and calm environment for the both of you to not feel overwhelmed or upset when beginning to talk.

I think for you as the anxious style, it is helpful to remember this talk is important for the relationship and that it can happen regardless of location or method. Also that your partner avoiding the subject doesn't mean there's an emotional disconnect. As an avoidant person, your partner will probably want a low-pressure environment where they wont feel overwhelmed by too much emotional stress and will need time in the conversation to open up.

So you need to balance that avoidant tendency to want time to process everything, while the anxious tendency is to resolve things quickly. Also dont talk about blame, talk about yourself, how things make you feel rather than what she does. So the both of you can express your concerns and then you can try to focus on a solution. You will probably want regular reassurance to maintain that connection while she may need respect for her need for some distance.

So just remember that her need for distance is not a rejection of you, while she needs to understand your need for connection and reassurance. I might look like you agreeing to not seeking constant reassurance and that she will work on being more open and emotionally available. So by using empathy and by working together hopefully you can both feel more comfortable working with, and understanding each others differing attachment styles. The couples counseling is probably a good idea as well to guide you both through this.

Like I said, the idea of attachment styles is still pretty new to me, but I've found it explains so much about why i am the way I am and why i've done so many counterproductive things in my life that i knew were not going to get me close to people, but at the same time hating that I was doing it. So whether this makes any sense to you or not... I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. But I read your post and just thought I would give you my 2c for what it is worth. If you find it helpful then good, if you don't then sorry for the long post if you read this far.

I wish you all the best at working this out with your partner AbsentDecent.