lostNcluelessContributor
How do I escape this hell?
This is my first time using something like this so I’m hoping not to trigger anyone along the way.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder presenting as Anxiety and panic with some OcD and Hyper vigilance thrown in.
im in a very disregulated place right now n I feel completely completely alone.
after a long period of blessful wellness my entire life has imploded. At the start of the year I made the epic mistake of believing I could change anything in my unsafe work place, after months of complaining to management about the condition of our stock room and getting no response I went to the regional manager. There is a reason people don’t speak up. Regional managers responded with making me clean it up. All of it . By myself. Being yelled at on a daily basis, belittled, told I am worthless and nothing. For 3 months I put up with this nonsense, I’d come home in tears only to have my husband who also works for the company take the management side. Nothing given to me or how this was affecting me.
result- for much of this year I’ve been on work cover dealing with this alone. The therapist I was seeing through WC was very little help- handing me work sheets rather then letting me talk and ignoring my telling her I’ve a previous diagnosis and attempting to box me in to a diagnosis of ADHD.
the ONLY reason I persuaded work cover compensation was to gain some additional support but this was a mistake, I felt invisible like she was trying to keep me disregulated and in her books and ended up going back to my Medicare therapist who I’ve been seeing for years anyway.
so that was pointless.
obviously all this has had a huge impact at home especially when the initial response I got from my husband was less then supportive. “To be fair the stockroom was never meant for those sales” you! I am your wife!
I almost reached a point where I honestly thought about breaking up because to be honest the last 18 years have been a roller coaster when I’m at my worst is when I need him the most and he has never been available in that way. The way I need him to be. Yelling at me while I am sobbing and disregulated, leaving me by myself when I’m experiencing suicidal thoughts and ideation. I know I’m hard to be around but I just need a hug, I just want to be held and told that it’s gonna be okay.
my parents are emotionally immature, divorced and likely to make things about themselves, in fact in recent years I’ve had to make the difficult decision to completely cut ties with my family because I need to protect myself from harm.
so about two Months ago we had this huge blow up in which he said he was done and that these episodes need to just stop, I started thinking I should just walk away.
Then My husband has lost both his grandmother and his mother in a time frame of 3 weeks. So of course I couldn’t leave Because as per usual I always always put everyone else first.
This has been a difficult time.
He has not been coping with it at all well, and in response to this he booked himself flights to Malaysia with out consulting me on it first.
We had a huge blow, it really hurt my feelings that he didn’t even talk to me first. but inspite of this last week he left me alone and had a nice time in Malaysia… by himself… without me. I spent the week staying with his grandfather while he was in Malaysia, this is not normal.
This is not the first time he has skipped of overseas without me. I get no say in any of it. Doesn’t care that I’m terrified of being alone. Doesn’t care that this is a boundary violation for me. That I am not okay with him doing this.
So come to today, this afternoon we had a couple therapy appointment and the psych was really good but I’m still feeling really quite alone and not coping. I’m feeling invisible.
this evening I tried to raise the travel thing but given the state I am in he flat out refused to discuss it.
I could really use a friend at the moment.
