Son with mental health issues

Hey @Lotty

That sounds like a tough situation. I live in public housing. To get into public housing I had to make the priority housing list. Is your son on the priority housing list? I lived with my parents prior to moving into public housing. My mental health was clashing with the needs of the household, so they gave me a month to move out. I was then able to go onto the priority housing list as I had mental health issues and was going to be homeless. It normally takes about 3 months on the priority housing list but they did manage to house me within the month. If he is on the regular waitlist this can take 10-15 years....so I would look up the criteria for priority assistance if you aren't already on it. I also applied to go on the localised need list so that I could be housed within the area, this required showing that I had need based on where my doctors were.

Hi @Lotty. I can identify with a few things with your son. I've also had severe social anxiety my whole life so I know how much of a struggle that can be in so many ways! To be honest, I didn't move out of home until I was 44, and that was only because I met my now partner and we moved in together. I'm not sure what else would have made me move out. It's not that I didn't want to, it was more that I had no where to go. I couldn't afford to live somewhere by myself, and I didn't know anyone I could move in with due to not knowing many people because I didn't have any strong connections with anyone. And the thought of moving in with someone I didn't know was far too much for me. I was good and pretending nothing was wrong. It was far easier just to let people think I was lazy, unambitious and was just a person who preferred to being alone than admit the truth... that interacting with people, specially those I didn't know, terrified me to death and I would do anything to avoid it.

So I wonder if you son has similar issues. From my point of view, it would explain why he gets angry when you bring it up. It would force him to admit those feelings of failure he may have due to his social anxiety which can be very traumatizing. As I said, this is just based on my own experiences with social anxiety.

I also was put on a DSP this year due to being diagnosed with stage 3 prostate cancer a couple of years ago. I'm not sure how I would have gotten through without my partner, but even then I probably wasn't the most fun and joyful person to be around some of the time... probably still aren't. It was so much easier for a lot of time to just hide from the world and do whatever I could to keep my mind occupied to keep my mind off my health issues. I still have this same problem, but it took a long time and I still have a lot of those days.

Obviously I don't know your son other that what you have written, but since I did notice some similarities, I thought I'd share my own experiences in case you found any of it relevant and helpful. I think it's probably in your best interest, and in his, to start setting some boundaries with him, because the current situation clearly isn't helping him in the longer term. He may know that, but feel like he doesn't know how much of a longer term there is, which was something I really struggled with at my worst. Doing anything can feel pointless a lot of the time.

Is he seeing anyone for his own mental health? I know when I was diagnosed, and the same with a lot of people I have talked to, that you get told of everything to expect from treatment and the related side effects, but no one prepares you for the mental strain and you're sort of left to yourself to discover that and seek help. My partner works with clients dealing with the NDIS, and comments so much that mental health care is not officially seen as part of the support required for people dealing with life changing health issues. Which is just wrong, because it's a massive part of it! What helped me most was just finding people to talk about how I felt. Places like here, my local men's mental health group, and even just some of the nurses was incredibly helpful for me during the worst times. At the start, I just wanted to hide but it eventually got so unbearable that I 'allowed myself' by a nurse to talk to someone, which led to talking to more people and it really did help so much to get me through those very dark days, and into the 'more gray' days now.

So like I said, some boundaries would be helpful for everyone involved, but maybe start small... like him having dinner with you and your partner on the weekends to get to know him better. I know I did the same thing with people I didn't know very well, but I didn't like myself for doing it... I just needed someone to push me so I could use the excuse I was doing it to please them rather than I really wanted to. Like I said, the social anxiety, really did mess with me quite badly. And everyone deals with it differently

So talk to him, try to understand why he feels the ways he does. He may be completely different from me. But try to let him know the benefits of living by himself and that you care and are just trying to understand. Let him realize that you know he has some serious things going on and that you just want to try to help and understand better because you don't like seeing him this way, and just want him to be happier.

Good luck Lotty and let us know how you get on, and don't forget to look after yourself as well.

Hi @Lotty

I can hear how much you love your son and want to provide care and support for him during this difficult time, though as your cousin has said here, sometimes by providing an environment that is so supportive and safe it can stop being helpful, and instead begin to aid in sustaining or even increasing symptoms of anxiety and OCD, for example. I can absolutely understand wanting to support your son, and it speaks to your caring an empathetic nature that you have done so to such a high degree, but it might be time to consider whether this is what's best for both of you.

While I of course only know a small portion of the story here, it sounds as though your son may have gotten to a space where they aren't taking much of an active role in their wellbeing, because they are relying on your care. And I can only imagine how much energy providing this care to him must take, both physically and mentally. Does your son currently have any mental health supports?

@Ainjoule has given some excellent information and guidance regarding the public housing here, but perhaps if your son isn't able to go on the priority list you could start to take small steps in helping to promote your son's self-efficacy. This could start small, such as helping with housekeeping/keeping his room clean and doing his own laundry, cooking for himself and you sometimes, seeking support from a professional... or anything that could be a small step to begin to take some of the pressure off you and start moving towards your son regaining some responsibility over his life.

Lastly, caring for another is hard work and I would like to second your cousin's suggestion that you seek support yourself. Do you currently have anyone who you're able to lean on and talk to about all of this?

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. No, my son isn't on priority housing & he does clash with my way of functioning in the house. I also haven't heard of the localised need list. Funny how you say your parents gave you a month to move out. I also did this but gave him 3 mths to move out. Half way through this period though (end of last year) he was diagnosed with Stage 3 Melanoma, had surgery & started treatment. I couldn't bring myself to stick to the plan while he was going through the process. Being on Immunotherapy (not Chemo), he hasn't been ill in any way, has had issues with his thyroid, but nothing that has changed his day to day functioning. His Immunotherapy treatment has been ceased as of today. It is quite hard to get on Priority housing for mental health issues in QLD now. Was originally told by Public housing that there were cases needing more urgent attention such as those suffering from abuse, domestic violence & homelessness. My son originally had a doctor, psychiatrist & psychologist he was seeing for some time. My son stopped seeing them for 2 years. I approached them to help him get on the public housing list & they refused to see him without any explanation. All I can think of is that they felt they could no longer help him in anyway due to his lack of motivation to help himself. Now my son refuses to start the whole process again with new doctors. I had to find a new doctor to fill out the required paperwork to finally get him onto the Public Housing list. Luckily we found an empathetic doctor who helped organise this without even knowing him prior. I am truly over trying to organise & attend anything further. I'm quite frankly over it.

Hey @Lotty

@Ru-bee and @MJG017 worded their responses more eloquently that I could 😊.

Sorry, I worded my original post badly when said something to the effect that 'you' could look up the criteria for priority assistance for housing, ideally your son would take control of his situation and look it up for himself. I can hear that you are over it and that is understandable.

To respond to the other part of your message: I live in NSW so it's a different department that runs the public housing here. Although in NSW, like in Queensland, having a mental illness is generally not enough to get you onto the priority list for public housing, and it was quite a long time ago that I got into public housing. Once I was given an ultimatum to leave my family home I was technically (effectively) homeless (or probably more accurately - 'at risk of homelessness') and could apply on the grounds that I was homeless or at risk of being homeless (in addition to having mental health issues). It's a technicality, but could work in your son's favour should you choose to ask him to leave within a certain time frame again, and he is trying to apply for priority assistance housing. I will also say that I was knocked back the first time I applied for priority assistance. I was housed on appeal. I wouldn't have pushed so hard if my parents hadn't of given me the ultimatum that they did (and I wouldn't have been eligible to be housed if they hadn't) and at the time it was painful, but in hindsight it was best for all involved. I really have enjoyed my independence over the years. But obviously, totally up to you how you handle the situation with your son.

But overall, I think you and you cousin are correct that it sounds like some work need to be done on his self sufficiency and the role that you play in that. And as you say it's affecting your mental health. SANE has a guide program, if you are interested in getting some support - you can check your eligibility here: https://www.sane.org/referral

Otherwise, if you are not eligible and you are looking for support for yourself, a GP can write you a Mental Health Plan that entitles you to 10 sessions with a psychologist (the trick is to find a bulk billing one - otherwise there may be a gap).

Hi, thanks so much for your reply. Yes I can definitely see the similarities regarding your situation & my sons. Thank you for telling me your story.

My son would definitely love his own bit of space to do as he pleases & money does play a huge part in why he can't. He has had opportunities money wise to help him on his way but has unfortunately wasted it on gambling & drinking. He did win $20,000 & has taken out $10,000 twice from his superannuation, all gone within days or a few weeks. He worked from the age of 16 - 31. He is now 39.

My son rented from age 16 to when he moved in with me nearly 9 years ago. He always lived with other people growing up because he had to, at least 3 or more at a time. He had anxiety back then & used to totally right himself off every weekend. Spend all his wage for the week on drinking & gambling & have no money left to buy food etc through the week. He lived this way until he moved in with me. Always hard for me to accept that one would knowingly do this without a worry as to how you would get by tomorrow. He really has no idea though about how to live & support himself day to day. If he had the money he would just drink himself stupid day to day.

Really sorry to hear of your own struggles & getting Prostate Cancer. I hope your partner was empathetic to what you were going through & may still be going through. Sounds like she may have been.

You mentioned boundaries? Not sure where I would start. He's a nearly 40 year old male & lets me know when we have had chats in the past. It always comes back to, "I'm a grown up male, you can't tell me how to live my life!" He also has no interest in talking to others that may be experiencing the same condition. He really is only interested in doing what he wants to do & says he is happy if everyone just leaves him alone! Like I said, he has no interest in helping himself. Having had anxiety & many anxiety attacks in my early 40's, I can absolutely understand how anxiety messes with your head, but not wanting to improve the situation is hard to get my head around. But I have to understand that people may also suffer in other mental health capacities as well.

I have tried to talk to my son on different occasions. He says what is going on in his head & always has, I would never understand. He truly wants to live by himself, but doesn't have the means of making it happen. He knows I love him as have told him. He lacks empathy for others, so really doesn't understand people's feelings. He told the psychologist that he has a mother but doesn't feel anything for me, as he doesn't feel anything for anyone. To be honest, I have grown to accept it

Thanks @Lotty Yes, my partner has been amazingly supportive through the past couple of years and been willing to do anything to help me through. He work has been really understand as well, especially early on when she needed to take time off at certain times, quite often.

It definitely sounds like there are some more complicated things going on with your son. The lack of empathy for other people and not understanding others feelings definitely seems to indicate some issues there, but Ill leave that to others far more knowledgeable in these things rather than me making any uneducated guesses or opinions.

As for the bounderies and him being the age he is, the reason you get to set the boundaries is that it is your house!..If he chooses to live there then he should expect to live there with your rules. If he wants to make the rules of the house, then the answer is simple for him.

It sounds like he really needs some help with the drinking and gambling. It really sounds like it has gotten out of hand and is dictating his lifestyle. If something happened now and he was forced to support himself, how would he cope? I know its difficult to think about for a multitude of reasons, but iys important for him to know that he can't keep relying on you. Its not fair on you, but its not fair on himself either. And it seems the drinking and gambling is a major part of it. Thats just hiw i see it, but you know this situation far better than I do... so would this be accurate or do you think there is more to it?

Either way, it sounds like he needs some help and he's not going to try and get it if nothing changes. Which takes us back to those boundaries. It may be helpful find some tips on making boundaries, as it can be quite difficult, especially with loved ones. Somewhere like the info page here

https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/the-sane-blog/wellbeing/boundaries-for-carers

or

https://www.talkspace.com/blog/family-boundaries/

may be helpful. Its important I think to keep in mind that you're doing it to help him and getting him to a point where he can support himself. Maybe him geeting some help with the drinking and gambling is one of those boundaries in ataying for now and building a plan to eventually moving out. I dont really know, but I really think there needs to be some plan to go forward with.

It such a difficult situation for you. Could you talk more to this cousin of yours, or seek some counselling yourself to try to make a plan?

Just know that we're here to support you however we can

Hi, sorry has taken so long to reply. Having medical issues of my own at the moment. Yes, my son is very complicated. The drinking and gambling thing will never change. Has stated many times that they are the only things that give him pleasure and there's no talking him out of that one, says he would rather be dead. If he was forced to look after himself, he'd be on the streets & I couldn't cope with that! The boundaries sound great in retrospect, but I know exactly what he would say! " You can't tell me what to do, I'm a grown man!" Yes, I think counselling for me is a good idea.

Sorry for the delay in replying. My son is not on the Priority Housing list. I also told my son he had to move out about Oct last year. I gave him 3 mths. Halfway through that period he was diagnosed with Melanoma stage 3, which meant surgery and immunotherapy, so couldn't bring myself to keep pushing him to move when he was going through that that.

So your parents gave you a month to move out? Were you still at home when you eventually got housing? Would your parents have actually watched you walk out with no where to go? Did you actually organise the priority housing yourself & how did you go about it? I have to organise everything, as he has no interest to do it. And how did you organise to go on the localised need list? Maybe I need to ring up housing & talk to them.

How do you feel now that you have your own space?

Hi, sorry for the delay in replying.

Yes can see the similarities. My son will also not live in share housing, although he did this for his whole working life. He has become so much worse since leaving work, his friends & moving to QLD to live with me. Unlike you, my son will not talk to others regarding his mental health issues. Just wants to be left alone to do as he pleases. You can't really discuss anything that doesn't please him or he gets very agitated & starts yelling etc.

I'm sorry about going through your Prostate Cancer battle & treatment, but glad you had a partner for support. Makes a difference. I wish you well for the future.

I can see where you are coming from regarding my son, but he is just not approachable regarding situations he doesn't want to talk about. And to be honest, I'm not sure as to how much he would take without losing it. Thanks for your input.