Listening to triggering music

@Jynx it’s not the sickness, it’s my mind. My mind is the reason behind the pressure feeling. I am panicking and it feels like something is deeply wrong with me

@creative_writer oh hun, sounds like today is being a real crap-fest to ya.

I'm sitting with you hun. Maybe see if some breathing exercise can help settle your system a bit?

@Jynx today hasn’t been great, I can’t seem to get myself together, I feel so paralysed and overwhelmed to do anything.

Maybe I brought it on myself. I was trying to understand my past, because I have too many gaps. The next thing, I’m stuck in this state of anxiety

@creative_writer it's okay for today to be a write off! I am just picturing times when I have been in a super tense state and tried to keep pushing to get my shit done but often it just made everything worse. Deffo don't want that for you!!

I'm sensing that maybe the biggest emotion rolling through your body at the moment is frustration? At yourself, at your emotional state, at the gaps and the feeling of lacking understanding.... Very frustration-fuelling for sure. Is that what it is you reckon?

I find frustration pretty challenging to deal with, it's often the thing that precedes a meltdown for me. How do you tend to deal with frustration?

@Jynx it is frustration. But then again, does it matter if things aren’t fully clear in my mind? I do know what I’ve experienced in traumatic, and there is enough I do remember. I don’t know why I want to fill those gaps, I’m not even sure if I’ll get any benefit from it.

To cope with frustration it helps to do relaxation exercises, and take breaks from emotions. Sometimes you need some time away through distraction

@creative_writer yeah totally get it - the not knowing is soooo hectic. I think it literally comes down to like... if you remember, it's easier to be able to put it down, but an unknown well... could be anything, and it could be something super scary.

I also remember when things were really bad for me I had this feeling that if I could figure out why I was like this, maybe it'd finally feel like my mental illness was legitimate... rather than feeling like I was suicidal for 'no reason' (and thus I must just be a weak and crappy person). Do you think something like that is a factor for you?

@Jynx I am scared. I remember when I started processing things a bit more in the past, I was like "shit", it was very rough. The body remembers things the mind tries to block. I must have disassociated to cope in the past, at first, it felt like it didn't even happen to me. It's already torturing me what I do know, I'm scared if I know more, then it'll be harder. But then what if knowing more gives me relief. I guess I'll take it as it comes.

I wish I could talk it through, but I have no idea where I would go because I am scared it might open too many wounds that will take time closing. There are too many fears associated with talking too freely

@creative_writer Sounds like you're feeling very stuck in determining what your next steps in recovery ought to be. Totally valid to be terrified of what you might discover, but also scared of what might happen if you never figure it out. And then, this also being a transitional period where you're also figuring out your next steps in life in general, I reckon it's no wonder you're feeling all outta sorts.

I got curious and decided to go see if I could rustle up some resources, found some interesting books that could be worth a looksie - if you're curious? I'm just aware of the fact that ya brain may not be in a place to go delving into new information!

@Jynx I guess the main thing is to validate oneself and be compassionate. Sometimes I do feel my trauma isn’t as valid as other people and that I shouldn’t be traumatised for various reasons. Regardless, I know it has affected me, and maybe part of it from wanting to minimise the significance of the pain, maybe I want to convince myself it wasn’t so bad, but I wouldn’t want even my enemy to go through what I did.

I’m up for book recommendations, I can read them whenever I’m up to it.

@creative_writer yeah I think that's such a big factor hey!! One we've got in common... I have definitely gotten a lot more validating of my own traumatic experiences but I still have those thoughts creep in from time to time. Couple weeks ago for instance I had the biggest meltdown I've had in maybe like... 3-4 years? Anyway, I literally had to take the time to convince myself that it wasn't actually an indicator that I was 'suddenly unable to handle my shit' or regressing or something. So wild to get imposter syndrome about having mental health issues 🙃

Noice!! I found this Reddit thread about processing trauma w/o therapy, and they had some book recommends in there - also found another thread and the top comment has a bunch of things to explore. The books that I think looked the most interesting were Becoming Safely Embodied and Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving.

I legit think I am gonna buy the first one, sounds suuuper interesting! If you like, I can report back? Might be in a couple months tho lol my reading pace varies with my energy flows.