Listening to triggering music

@creative_writer thanks for being open hun, I know it can be uncomfortable to drill down into these things!! So what I'm hearing is that being visibly emotionally distressed feels like it may make you a target for predatory people. Sounds like that, moreso than the fear of rejection? Or is that part of it too?

It makes a lot of sense as to why you're feeling so stuck!! The very thing that might help you move forward is also the thing that puts your system into highest alert.

Random thought, feel free to shut it on down (as hypervigilance doesn't typically run on logic!) but would it help to do a spot of research on the kinds of traits exhibited by narcissists and abusers? I mean, not that I'd assume you hadn't already come across it in your studies, but sometimes it is different to read something for ourselves rather than for an external purpose. The Toolshed has a whole BUNCH in there, if you want somewhere to start.

You are 100% making progress darlin!! Even if it doesn't feel like it. You can both grieve for the loss of the person you would have been were it not for the trauma, and also still make space for the empowerment of letting these experiences become a source of strength and resilience. You've reminded me of a quote:

😉💜

@Jynx I think it’s a combination of both. It did take me a while to realise how to identify toxic people. To cope with my struggles with reading social cues, I had to learn to be analytical of other people’s body language, tone of voice and had to learn to read between lines. That sparked a special interest in people watching. Probably one of the reasons why I ended up in social work. It does mean I am often on hyper-alert with other people. I mean, I could probably do some research in identifying toxic people, and maybe it would help me feel more secure?

When I was younger I wouldn’t have been able to identify medical gaslighting, but now it’s so much easier. But I had to go through medical gaslighting from a pdoc to get there. I had to experience bullying at school to realise people did not always show their real intentions straight up. SA was a tricky scenario, and was one I had no control over. I know there wasn’t anything I could’ve done differently to prevent it, but I have been able to grow psychologically and spiritually. It did give me insight on the oppression many victims face in society. It’s not just what happens to us, but silencing can really hurt, sometimes even more so than the event

@creative_writer ach, I do have to dash so I can't write allll my thoughts out, but I think it couldn't hurt to look through some of the stuff in the Toolshed; I think it was Glisten who posted a whole bunch of stuff on how to spot/survive narcissistic abuse. Knowing signs and what to watch out for could definitely help in providing more security I reckon.

Check in with ya on Saturday if you're around and wanna keep chatting 💜

@Jynx maybe being able to see the warning signs would put my heart at ease. I think I’m learning to accept my fate, I know there is purpose for suffering. That’s not to say memories don’t haunt me. I know worth isn’t based on what other people think or whether you’ve had sexual experiences before marriage. Though I still carry this shame, maybe it’s just going to take time.

I hope you are doing well today 💖

@creative_writer I think so hun, as frustrating as it can be to have to keep saying to oneself 'It'll just take time'. Sometimes it does help too, to remind ourselves of our progress. You've had some amazing growth and insights this year, and hit a major milestone too! Stuff to be proud of!

Not too bad, managed to get out for a walk, probably gonna have a dance later too, it really helps me move energy through my body. Helpful when I'm feeling stiff and sore, or my brain is all fuzzy!

Hope your Saturday has been swell! 💜

@Jynx I honestly think I needed time to slow down and focus on myself. It’s been a hectic year. I’ve been on a psychological and spiritual journey.

Squeezing in a walk sounds lovely. The weather is going to become terrible tomorrow again. I do agree dancing and movement can be healing for our physical and mental health 💖

My Saturday has been a bit hectic with sorting stuff out at home. It’s been okay, I’ve just been a bit irritable lately

Aye that's never a bad idea @creative_writer! What sorts of things do you feel might help you to slow down and focus inward? For me, nothing beats getting out into nature by myself - I think even just the silence (well... it's less the 'silence', what with all the birds and critters and rustling and bubbling creeks, and more the absence of peopley noises) does wonders in giving my brain a rest, and the less external stimulation is overwhelming me, the more space I have for contemplation and nurturing thoughts 😊

What do you and your family usually do this time of year? Is it business as usual? Or do you like, use the public holiday as an excuse to spend time together or...? Next big holiday is Ramadan right?

@Jynx for me it’s mostly been focusing on my spirituality. I need to find safety somewhere and I find it within my own faith. I can’t find that in myself or other people. I’m learning to trust fate. I’m learning to see meaning in pain. Yes, it will hurt. Sometimes it does feel uncomfortable, but you need to embrace the discomfort to grow. I still do get negative thoughts and lots of OCD related thoughts of being sinful and dirty. They are only thoughts, I just hope it gets easier with time.

Public holidays does mean I can spend more time with family. But we don’t do Christmas, so the next big holiday is Eid after Ramadan

@creative_writer not sure we have time to discuss it fully, but something I'm curious about is how much your narrative of being 'sinful' pops up in your spiritual practice? What I mean is, are you doing stuff like asking for forgiveness or including it in your prayer?

Reason I ask is because it might be reinforcing the narrative rather than allowing you to release it, if that makes sense? Food for thought perhaps.

Yeah figured as much re: xmas, but glad you can enjoy the free public holiday lol.

Up to much tomorrow?

@Jynx I do pray for forgiveness, but I don’t really focus on forgiveness regarding SA. I do acknowledge as humans we are imperfect and make mistakes, it’s just in our nature. I tend to obsess more over may unworthy and sinful from trauma. Maybe it’s not about shifting the narrative away from being sinful, because humans make mistakes all the time. Maybe it’s about shifting the focus away from the “I am unworthy and shameful” narrative.

I have graduation tomorrow, and the weather is terrible. I hope they have air con