How to Get over What You'll Never Have

Hi @ENKELI

While my circumstances are different to yours, one thing you said really struck a cord for me.

You said that having no friends/ family to have a cuppa with is probably your fault.

I am in my early 50's , have been a widow for more than 10 years and have adult children, none of which live anywhere near me so I only see them a few times a year.

I have zero social life or support. For a long time, I thought it was my fault. I would get very upset and sad.

However, I have come to realise that this is not true.

My husband was my best friend and we did everything together. It wasn't until recently that I realised that due to mental health issues and social anxiety I had never created a group of friends .

While this is still an issue for me, I am working on it. And I am clear now that it's not because I am a bad person.

I am sure that you will make a great friend to many people.

Try to remind yourself that circumstances have created this. Not you.

You are worthy of friendship and you matter ❤️

@Walkoneggshells @dehaha @Jynx @rav3n @Ainjoule @Ainjoule @Bow @creative_writer @Ru-bee @Former-Member @MJG017 I found a Mothers Day card from my former Godson today. It sat and held it, then gently placed it in a folder for another day.

I am still terribly sad and tearful but I did manage to get out of the house and go to Bunnings. Nothing like buying a few plants to lift the mood.

I am trying to not think about it all and I don't know whether that is healthy or not. One friend suggests I'm repressing and isn't that bad?, while I myself feel if I think about something else at least I won't be crying throughout the day and when I am in bed at night.

Please do not take offense at this but I often think to have had the kids and ex friend die would have been easier. It would have given closure, I would have a reason why I can't see or talk to them via email or phone and face to face. And a lot of family and friends have also questioned why I haven't gotten over the whole thing yet. I mean, it's been a year, why haven't you moved on? I'm sorry, I was a part of this family for 10 years, should a year of grieving be enough then?

Not having closure is the part I need to accept. And despite the "they'll come look for you when they are older" platitudes I've had from friends I know these kids. I know their parents. Their father and his girlfriend were poisoning them against me while I was still looking after them. Their mother will have added her 10 cents by now too.

well, as I think I said in another thread, hearts need to be shattered to let in the light.

Good night and God bless, I hope you have a magic Wednesday and your day is as bright as y'all are

E

@ENKELI You should take as much time as you want to grieve, there is nothing wrong with that. If you had that closure, then I can see how it would be easier to move on, but without it, added to the pain of how it happened must just make it so hard to make sense of. I just think to ease our grief, we need to make sense of what happened to bring such loss. Otherwise we just keep thinking about, wondering why and thinking how we could have changed it... it just goes on and on.

So take as much time as you feel you need to, and were here with you for as long as it takes. 🫂

@ENKELI I understand how not having that closure would add an additional layer to your distress.

Often we don't talk about grief outside of death and it can be a different experience when it is caused by different kinds of loss that aren't as clear and final as death.

In regards to whether not thinking about it is good or bad, we all cope in our own ways and while addressing our thoughts and problems are important in helping us to process and work through them, it's also important to consider when it's safe for us to do so. So maybe for you it wouldn't be manageable to be letting these thoughts in during your day to day, but it might be beneficial to reflect on them when you're home, perhaps when you're with a trusted friend, or a therapist, or here of course.

As @MJG017 said, there's nothing wrong with taking your time to grieve. I'm trying to stop looking at grief as something that has an end point or a timeframe. I don't know if grief ever really ends, but it does get more manageable the more time goes on, but of course it really depends on the individual and the nature of the loss.

I hope that your Wednesday is going well and you had some good rest

like the others have mentioned, there's absolutely no timeline for dealing with grief. please do take your time and be kind to yourself, we're all here beside you.

sending you lots of love and positive energy @ENKELI 💗

Thanks my Sane family. My Dr had prescribed a new mood stabiliser for me because of my low mood and it in turn made me so low I could've parachuted off a lizards' belly. I've been off them for almost a week and was feeling okay, even dare I say happy but again I am feeling shattered.

I want so desperately to move on and not feel the pain anymore, like looking at the road in the rear view mirror. I want to be there now but of course we all know it doesn't work that way.

It's been 18 months, I've no doubt mentioned that but I have been reflecting on the 10 years I was with ex friend and God children and am counting the emotional cost to me. She gets to move on without tears, she gets to watch the kids grow up, learn to drive, take to the pub for their first legal drink, get married.

My Goddaughter told me before her own mum when she first got her period.

I don't know how much more I can break 😥

I took this photo this afternoon for you @ENKELI Then i never got to send it from my phone until now.

Hugs