What should I do?

I’m scared. I am crying everyday for hours until I pass out or fall asleep. I am still managing to eat at least two meals a day but I am relapsing into disordered eating behaviour. I’m a chronic self harmer, if I don’t do it I am not real. I was clean for a little bit after being discharged out of hospital but I can’t live without it. I am afraid to do anything. Shower, leave my house, eat or drink, move my body. The acute care team I was with discharged me because I’m refusing to take more of the antipsychotic, so did the suicide way back team because it’s been 3 months so the service has ended. Nothing has changed, I just want to attempt suicide but I can’t because my mum is supporting me to stay safe. I am really unstable, the other day I broke down and started self harming in front of my mum whilst thrashing and crying, she was horrified. She promised me she won’t take me back to the hospital but I’m really scared that she will get sick of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I’ve been referred to a private psychiatrist after the acute care team wasn’t helpful and I’m getting a brain mri (bulkbilled thankfully) on Monday as my doctor is concerned it may be a brain tumour or another abnormality because I have strange symptoms such as lactating, episodic psychosis, sudden vomiting and intense headaches. It’s suspected schizophreniform and OCD but I don’t like labels, I know diagnosis will help me get support but I am stuck. I dropped out of school in year 10 despite being ‘academically gifted’, it was sudden, I’ve always struggled with my mental health but suddenly I heard voices and saw hallucinations after it disappeared when I was 11. I had really bad thoughts, and did bad things, the department, my SLSO, and my mum were stuck on what to do with me because I would go non verbal and stare into space for hours. I dropped out, spiralled out of control, and I’m left with just my psychologist after my last one left me due to my erratic behaviour. I know I’m 18 but I’m very childish, I think it’s because I have level 2 autism and I’m dependent on my mum. I cry in bed with my teddy bear for hours and all I want is for her to hold me. I was referred to victims counselling but I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to talk about what happened to me, but I do want help. I’m disgusted with myself, I’m in pain 24/7 and I’m getting nowhere in life. I’ve got one friend who lives very far away, and I cling to her because I’ve lost everyone else. I’ve tried volunteering to meet new people, but because of how unstable I am I sabotage myself further. I’m off antipsychotics until I see the psychiatrist, I don’t know when that will be, but I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know what I’m doing, I wish I could emphasise that as much as I mean it. My mum doesn’t know what to do with me, she’s stressed because I am dying in front of her, and I know she cares about me. I wish I didn’t drop out, it’s too late and I know it’s my fault, I know I can’t do anything about that now. I don’t know what to do, where am I supposed to go from here, I do nothing everyday, just write like I’m doing right now, cry, hurt myself, and look for people to talk to online.

I am really pathetic, I know people at my age are graduating, moving onto uni, finding lifelong partners, meeting friends, travelling etc. I’m stuck still sleeping with my mum because I’m not sleeping or safe at night, having night terrors, being unemployed, on the DSP, barely scraping in TAFE, spending each day wanting to die. I don’t know what to do now, because I’ve tried so much. Headspace won’t take me, I see my psychologist fortnightly (she can’t do weekly), I call kidshelpline and other crisis services often, I’m lost. I don’t know what to do, my GP referred me to head to health and they told me to go to safe haven and last time I did that safe haven took me to the ED.

Sorry for the long post I’m crying right now. I’m just so scared and confused. I am safe, I’m not going to attempt today, just laying down.