sister is always playing the victim, need tips on how to manage the relationship that doesn't include cutting her off

Hi @usagidon and welcome to the forums

What a hard and complicated relationship this is. I can hear through your post how tired this has left you, which is completely understandable given how much energy it must take to bear the weight of all of your sister's emotions along with your own.

While I haven't experienced this to the same degree, I have had difficulties of previously falling into this role of being a family member's main emotional support and it would get so tiring answering the phone to a sudden recap of every negative thing that was happening to them. I found working with my psychologist to be so helpful in giving me tools to set boundaries around this, but it was a really difficult thing to do - People who have always benefitted from a lack of boundaries are not going to react well when we try to create them. It can also be hard to not feel guilty when enforcing them. I know for me it's helped to come up with a few gentle phrases to use when these boundaries start to be crossed, like: "I can hear that this is really hard for you and I want to be able to give this the time and attention this needs, but I'm not in the headspace to do this right now"

Maybe a good starting point could be to let your sister know that particularly during your pregnancy you're needing much more rest and will only be able to check your phone at certain times when you feel up for it. Of course, your sister can still text you whenever she wishes, but you've set the boundary that you won't be checking them or responding outside of the time you've set?

I know it's a really difficult situation because of how your sister might react, and your worry for your nieces, but particularly at this time it sounds like you need to focus on you and your wellbeing. We can't pour from an empty cup, and perhaps you need some time to refill before you're able to offer more support to your sister.

I'll be interested to hear other perspectives and ideas from different community members too

Hello @usagidon

Thanks for reaching out here on the Forums. We have a wonderful online community. We share and care for each other. We know that we don't have a magic wand to fix things (how I wish we did but alas that's not how it works) What we can certainly do is share experiences and possibly some tips and useful resources. By doing so we connect and find folks that understand what we are going through.

My experience has, in some respects some similarity to yours. If I understand correctly, you value family. I value family too and see it as an important source of identity, meaning and support for my kids. At the same time, I also worry about my kids being exposed to unhealthy and unhelpful behaviours. And my family is rife with toxic behaviours.

It's hard. I try to keep the connection going with all family members but more often than not I then regret doing so.

A couple of things come to mind. They're not necessarily tips but they help me going when I doubt myself. Like you I have often asked myself. Am I glutton for punishment for falling into the same trap every time?

Anyway....

What I try to do is focus on the good moments. Far and few between but when they're good, it feels so right and that's important particularly for the young ones to experience.

I also remind myself over and over that I can't control/change/affect others - let alone family.

Finally, I remember a metaphor (that a friend once told me about) - think of the family as a bowl of fruit - my kids will pick what they like and learn about what they don't like.

Take care - and thanks for sharing your story.

Hi @usagidon, welcome to the group. It sounds like such a very challenging situation and i can understand how difficult it must be to find a way that doesn't have one or more people involved suffer more as a result.

The first though I had was that of setting boundaries with your sister. I read the replies and saw that @Ru-bee mentioned the same word. I think @Bon_courage had a great suggestion also in using those good moments and thought that maybe they might provide an opportunity to talk to your sister about these boundaries.

Hopefully by placing some boundaries with you sister, she may see how much she is affecting everyone else and by knowing you aren't going to deal with those rants/vents anymore she may come to understand how she needs to work on her own issues and that this problem with your mother has been so destructive, especially for herself and potentially her children as well. I'm just not sure letting things go on like this is going to help your sister and her kids anyway. I know it would be so difficult to do, but it may be better for your sister in the long run and may encourage her to start confronting her own issues and see that it will bring her and her kids closer to your family if she starts to try to let go of a lot of this.

I wish I had some other advice for you.

Thank you for the warm welcome and thoughtful response @Ru-bee.

"Maybe a good starting point could be to let your sister know that particularly during your pregnancy you're needing much more rest and will only be able to check your phone at certain times when you feel up for it. Of course, your sister can still text you whenever she wishes, but you've set the boundary that you won't be checking them or responding outside of the time you've set? "

I've definitely tried setting boundaries with her over the years, one of them being that she call me if she's upset/wanting to vent and not sending me paragraphs over text but she has not really respected this. I will definitely try again (and again) especially with the new bub and just having less patience in general.

Definitely running on half a cup most days and it's downhill from there! I've thus far just not said anything, though I'm sure she has noticed that her last few messages have been unread. I just need to take a step back for a couple more days (I don't sleep well when she's triggered my flight or fight response! which is yet another thing that's affected me at night considering I am pregnant) and will call on the weekend probably to set those boundaries.

hi @Bon_courage and thank you for the warm welcome 🙂

You've hit the nail on the head, I do value family and like yours I do have some toxic relationships that I am actively managing (namely my mum and my sister these days).

"Am I glutton for punishment for falling into the same trap every time?"

Gosh that's definitely something I've thought of often!!

"think of the family as a bowl of fruit - my kids will pick what they like and learn about what they don't like."

I've not come across that fruit metaphor too and it does make me feel better in terms of my kids growing up around such difficult personalities.

I think once again I've hit that limit that I sometimes do when it comes to my sister where my body tells me I'm tired so given I am pregnant I'm listening more acutely and have taken a step back from communicating (for now). As I said to @Ru-bee above I'll re-iterate my boundaries in due course but right now I'm 'recovering' from all the emotional bashing.

Hi @MJG017 thank you for the warm welcome and yes it's definitely been difficult growing up in this family and then maintaining these relationships as an adult.

Boundaries are 100% something I continue to work on as a recovering people-pleaser in general but also with my sister who ironically doesn't realise she rarely honours them, when she herself is annoyed when she sets it with our mother.

I guess I will just have to be a broken record and like you said, she does need to learn some hard truths. For someone who I can see is afraid of losing the people she loves she is unable to stop pushing us away with how she treats us.

I haven't yet contacted her and have no idea what her last messages to me said (I don't think they're any different from the past, she either has a moment of clarity and apologises or makes a more melodramatic statement to continue on her rant). For now I'm taking a literal break and just going about my own life with support from friends. I'm looking forward to the next couple of appointments I have with my works' EAP provider.

@usagidonI think so many of us have that 'people pleaser' tshirt we wear so often. We've talked about it quite a bit here. It's such a difficult trait to work on.

It's almost like a child who pushes boundaries to see how far they can get away with. I'm not saying your sister is acting like a child, but it's that loss of control of emotions that makes us want to ignore those boundaries.

I think when she does cross the, you just need to quietly walk away, or just say that "we've talked about this... I will talk to you when you've calmed down" or something similar. Hopefully that will show her that she needs to take a minute to herself, calm down and then she can come to you to talk to you.

It does sound like she really needs to change this behaviour because it does seem to be putting her in a place where she is pushing away people she loves, gets frustrated and pushes more. Obviously this current pattern just is never going to do her any favours. She needs to change this, not just for you, but mostly for herself. It just sounds like it may fall on you to give her that 'push' she needs to see the damage se is continuing to do to her relationships.

Especially now, with a baby on the way... and congratulations on that. I completely forgot to say that at the start so my apologies. At this time, I think taking a bit of time for yourself and away from this stress as much as possible is a very good idea. I imagine like is only going to get 'full on' once the baby arrives. Who knows, maybe a new baby niece or nephew may bring some positive changes for you sister, if even temporarily. Good luck with all of it, and look after yourself. And congratulations once again!