Just so tired...

@optimisticc that would indeed be an apt description of me and my circumstances! Also, I did receive your email, thank you.

@creative_writer
I can certainly relate to masking. I've been doing it my whole life. As a child and young adult I didn't even realise I was doing it. It was more my thinking that this is what everyone does, they mould they're self, their likes and dislikes, their personality, etc. to fit the people and circumstances at the time. It wasn't till much later (shortly before I was diagnosed ADHD) that I realised that not everyone did that! Which sounds so silly when I say that "out loud"...

During the "honeymoon period" of meeting new people I try to give people the "if I was perfectly happy" part of myself, the part that I wish I was all the time. Then I slowly introduce the less than happy elements. Unfortunately I often let my guard down too quickly and the flood gates open... that's when I run into problems. But no matter who it is, no matter how I met them, how much we have in common (or don't), if its people at work, at uni, at the gym, a random, or people that I've become friendly with.... I always have to censor myself. I'm always misunderstood, or have somehow unknowingly offended someone. I'm very good at reading body language etc., but I'm not a mind reader, so I need people to communicate what they're feeling so that I can correct anything that needs correcting, or explain what was misunderstood. Instead people just right me off as too difficult, or too intimidating, or just too much! All of my relationships are one-way streets... I give, they take. And I'm left exhausted, and feeling very alone and unsupported.

I spoke to my PhD supervisor, he doesn't think there's anyway to get even a small extension. Both of us just want it done anyway. Because of various issues, mostly physical and mental health, financial and housing insecurities, and of course covid in there too... I've already extended beyond the 10yrs that the university has an absolute hard line cut off. I think if not for covid I would have already finished by now, and because of covid they gave all candidates an additional 6months extension (on top of the maximum deadlines) so they wouldn't do anything further. I just have to do it....

@Rose34All that masking and 'trying to fit in' is so exhausting! I still do it to a certain extent but it's more just trying to be more positive around people that i'm not that close to because I no longer have any expectations that trying any harder will ever have any real benefit. If I feel like it's someone that may be more receptive, then I will open up a little bit more and see how that goes. I've just found getting rid of that expectation and just being friendly around other people, just to be friendly, has helped me because i'm not continually disappointed when I don't hear back or feel ignored or left out. I just think 'fair enough, I'll keep things like this then.' that's not to say I'm still not frustrated though.

I think some of us just don't have those big personalities that tend to attract people, even if that attraction can often be very superficial. Maybe that's just me being a bit bitter, but I've known people like that and some of the were genuinely good people, but quite a few of them were just annoying if you looked more than surface deep... but they are usually very popular. I like to think i'm just more choosy and look for a bit more 'substance' in people I want to be around. It can sometimes be hard to find people like that because they're probably keeping to themselves as well, equally frustrated with trying to find good friends. This is what I tell myself anyway. Whether it's fair, denial on my part, or just me being resentful... i guess it's open to interpretation.

I used to think the exact same as you did with the masking, in that it was what every did. It must have been when I was around 40 that I started to think it was more that other people just didn't care anywhere near as much as I did what other people thought of them... they just had the self confidence to brute force their way into friendships. Of course being more outgoing doesn't hurt, as does the fact that more outgoing people will assume they will be friends with everyone so they try with everyone they meet... so statistically they will end up with more successes than more introverted people. This is all pure theory on my part as I said, but it makes sense to me.

I still don't think there is anything wrong with that 'honeymood period' in a friendship as you put it. That seems absolutely and makes perfect sense to me. But I think now I do feel like i let a little more out that I should too early on. I feel like I've kept this stuff in for so long, that when I do start to (or intend to) let just a little bit out, I worry that I lose control a bit and go a bit too far. I'm still not sure if this is the case. Obviously sharing anything with someone still feels like too much to me as I'm so used to sharing nothing, so I still find all this very difficult to gauge.

I wonder if it's that holding things in that people don't like. Like they feel like we aren't being open with them, therefore we don't trust them so they don't want to trust us. Even if we share just a little, do other feel like it's not enough to develop a stronger connection. I try to figure this out as i'm talking to people and then those doubts creep in and I probably subconsciously go back to old habits because I don't know what people are thinking of me, assume the worst, or close to it, and another opportunity is missed.

I am starting to feel that that psychologist may have a point that I overthink things. Bit i still think that I have to, because none of this comes naturally to me.. talking to people, being relaxed around them, reading them, and especially know what they want from me. It's all effort and it's exhausting! If I seem arrogant or disinterested... tell me! Don't just write me off, because I trying really hard here to make this work!

When I discovered attachment styles about 3 months ago, I tried to find somewhere that could help me with it. I've had 2 appointments so far so I really hope I can get some insights soon that may help me start to understand this whole "socializing" better. It's better late than never I hope.

I hope you do manage to get some good amount of work done today at the library. I know it's so hard for you with everything going on right now, but obviously getting that thesis in will be a huge load off of you, so if you can find a way to get that done, it would help you start to get everything else sorted out and start to feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. It's such a pity they only added 6 months to the deadline due to covid, I think the disruptions lasted quite a bit longer than that with everything that was happening at the time. I sincerely hope you can get this done, not only because it's such a lot of time and work on the line, but because you've had to deal with so much to get this far. It's so sad the society doesn't seem to allow much leeway for people struggling with mental health, which in turn just compounds the problem. Sorry, I didn't realise just how long I've ranted on! We're here to listen if you need it.

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@creative_writer wrote:
@Rose34the people who leave were never the right people for you, true friends stay, even when you show the most vulnerable parts of yourself. I don’t think many people are equipped with the ability to sit with someone when they are in a dark place. It’s not a problem with you, it’s just a problem with our society. We are often fed with the narrative that we must just get on with life and ignore our emotions. People hide behind the “staying busy”, because if you keep occupied you will never think. People are often uncomfortable with the not so rosy emotions.

I could have said it better @creative_writer, I completely agree with you. I think it's such a big factor in why people struggle so much with their mental health, or even just admit they are struggling.

@creative_writer @MJG017

It occurred to me today, that in now truly alone. I felt lonely before... but now I'm all and truly alone. Not one person has checked in on me this last week, not one person has initiated a conversation with me. I've sent msgs, updating the people I thought were friends. Some were mutual friends with my now ex-housemate, but some I've known for years before that. I'd get some replies, but eventually they stopped too....

I'm at the lowest point I've ever been (and that's saying something, coz I've been pretty low before), and now I know what it feels like to be truly alone. All those fears of abandonment seem well- founded now...

And I know (because people keep telling me...) that we supposedly manifest/create etc. our own world, and thus assume few people have said (and I paraphrase), well you were afraid everyone would abandoned you, so why are you surprised now that is actually happened...

So what's the point. What's the point of ambition, of working, of a career, of trying, of self improvement... what's the point in excitement, making plans, going places, seeing things, doing stuff...

Whats the point in anything, if I'm alone and have no one to share it with...

Hello @Rose34

I'm sorry to hear you feel abandoned.

You have a lot on your plate.

How is your thesis going?

Are you meeting with your supervisors?

Does your gp know you're struggling?

Have you advertised or reached out on social media for a housemate?

I know those questions probably seem impersonal when you're yearning for connection but perhaps we need a firm foundation for moving forwards when things are at crisis point. I'm also quick to feel rejected or unwelcome, and not good at smalltalk, but I send you my very best wishes.

@Rose34 I'm so sorry no one has checked in on you, and that any replies seem to have stopped as well. That feeling of abandonment and isolation is so overwhelming it physically hurts. I dont know why people do this, but I now know it means they are not good enough for us... not the either way around. I was confronted with this 2 years ago when I got some very bad news in regards to my health and everyone just seemed to disappear, even family. Two years on, still nonw of them check in or ask how im going. I spent so long asking myself why and what I had done wrong, but eventually I thought about what idmf the roles were reversed, how would I react? I knew that I would regularly check in and see how they were doing, ask them if they needed anything and do what I could to support them, even if it was just to have a chat with them to take their minds of things. That's when I realised, it was them who werent good enough for me and not the other way around. Did it make the hurt, pain, and feekings ilof rejection go away? No, of course not. But it did make me try to find more supportive people, even if they were just online usernames on a screen at first.

Im not sure that I agree that a fear of rejection necessarily leads to the very rejection we fear. I had a debilitatingly strong fear of rejection from my attachment issues, that I now now developed in my brain before I was even born. It can go a long way to make us far more introverted and kess confident around people and that leads to not forming real connections with people... hence the name 'attachment' issues I guess. But its very common, for a variety of, usually, childhood experiences. Our brains just get wired this way early on. Our 'emotional' brain gets so much work in those early years, that our 'thinking' brain doesnt develop very well causing us to think far more emotionally which is why we have so much trouble trusting people enough to let them clost to us and that fear of rejection is so strong. So the theory of the hand model of the brain tells us. If you haven't heard of it....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2YcdMdFw&pp=ygUXaGFuZCBtb2RlbCBvZiB0aGUgYnJhaW4%3D

So knowing why we think and feel the way we do, helps us to understand ourselves and know that we struggle with things most people dont, but also that a lot of people out there are similar to us.

Of course all that just means we have to find that strength to start to change some of the ways we interact with people, but also, and more importantly, try to find people who understand and/or accept us the way we are. For me, this is all very recent, and started as a result of the lowest point in my life at the start of the year.

You are starting to reach out to people here who understand what you're going through. That was the first step I made as well, even when it all still felt pointless. There are a lot of people here who do understand and will do their best to help and support you through this very challenging time. You dont have to be alone here Rose.

Has their been much progress with your thesis or the housing situation?