Daughter with BPD

Hi @Zappa I'm sorry to hear about you and your daughter. I have BPD. I have done a (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) DBT course and some of it helped. Here's what worked for me:

Boundaries...start with organising a suicide prevention plan with your daughter (when she's calm). Write it down with her and put it on the fridge. Write down when she feels sad, what is she going to do to try to make herself feel better e.g. listen to relaxing music? Lighting a scented candle? Knitting? Fidget spinner? When she is really sad, can she talk to a friend or call Lifeline on 13 11 14 for a chat? Or watch a comedy show? When she is threatening self harm, can she write down her problems or journal them instead, or use a red felt tip pen and draw 'wounds' on her skin instead? When she wants to commit suicide, what can she do to make herself calm down? e.g. Deep breathing (look up the 4x4x4 technique), hugging a heavy cushion, having a shower (hot/cold - whatever she wants), going for a walk (with someone), going to bed and hiding under the covers for a while, organising a suicide callback service, calling Lifeline. She can then choose to dial 000 for an ambulance if these methods don't work.

Each time she tries a different technique, it is good to ask her if it works, if it changed her mood. If it doesn't work then you two can think of something else to write down and try.

Issues with work...wait till she is calm and then go through the pros and cons of going to work and missing work on a piece of paper. Make a list and stick it up somewhere so that she can read it when she doesn't want to go to work. Let her make her own decisions. If she is not happy with her decision, discuss it with her when she is calm. If she is not calm - go to the list of things she would do to make herself feel better when having suicide thoughts.

Money...As above, go through the pros and cons of her making her own money and of asking for money from you. Talk about these pros and cons when she asks for money or has issues with going to work. If she gets upset, direct her to what makes her feel better when having suicide thoughts.

If you are interested in other methods for people with BPD and for those interacting with people with BPD, check out dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com for free info. For yourself, check out www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself.

Hello @Zappa,

Firstly a big warm welcome to the forums, I'm glad you're here.

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your daughter and can only imagine how difficult it must feel to be in that position, as parents we only want the best for our kids. I'm hearing that her behaviour, likely due to he BPD is really taking its toll on yourself and other family members and you are looking to set some boundaries to try help her and reduce the impacts of her episodes.

When setting boundaries an important thing to consider is that your boundaries dictate what you will and will not do or tolerate, they cannot control the other person. For instance an example of a good boundary could be something like "If you raise your voice at me I will leave the conversation and we can return to it once we are calm", vs "You cannot raise your voice at me". Following through on boundaries is important too, I know that is easier said than done.

Supporting a loved one with BPD can be very challenging, are you receiving any counselling or support for yourself?

You mentioned that she has only not long been diagnosed, has she started any treatments, DBT therapy or anything like that? Being so early on in her journey this will definitely be a really difficult time for you all but with the right support things will get better 💜

Hi @Cleo2, Thankyou so much for replying you have given me some information which I will try, she has therapy sessions coming up in November things take so long to get into in the meantime I will try and do as much research as I can I have put my name on a waiting list for a 12 week seminar for families so I can understand it more as I’m still trying to get my head around it.All the best for you @Cleo2 and thanks for your help.