Don't belong.

I think my whole life I have been in fight or flight mode. I have lived/moved to more houses than I have had hot dinners. Covid hit and the lockdowns in Mel**** I jumped in my 2004 Toyota Echo and drove 29 hours to cairns.

Stayed in back packers, sharing rooms with kids in thier 20's (im now 41 was 28 at the time) Tried working, tried sorting my life out up there. But I think the further you go up north the more crazy people I met. It's very true you can't run from your problems as they just follow you, I did the same shit I do here but just in QLD and in backpackers, drinking, gambling, doing really risky things that ultimalty got me in a lot of trouble and almost got kidnapped by a setup from some bikies i pissed off, some how say day (don't remember how) But i sensed danger and watched from afar.

Met A really lovley lady online from Melbounre, we spoke she came up there a few times (as friends) and she saw I was in a really bad spot and headspace. She paid for me to come home and stay with her. Time progressed, I could finally call somewhere home, I could sleep not on guard, I could go to the fridge and eat food without being told off or worried my own food has been stolen. That was 2 years ago, here I am now. Still living with here, but things have changed as they always do. Me and her son clash BIG TIME actually, he is why I got tested for ASD as he is EXACTLY the same as I was as a teen. (and yes apparently I do have it)

I have my running shoes on and feel like im the one doing things to mess things up in the household so I get kicked out and then have to face life living on the srteets again, or have that rush of drama which I hate but sometimes I think I can't live without it. I need to be on the move. But I HATE IT. The number 1 thing I want in my life is to be contempet. Just be happy with some shitty job, come home eat and go to bed and repeat, but my brain says NO you are destined for more. I'm getting to an age where I can't keep doing this, but I can't stay in this situatuion, I know it's time for me to move on. It's almost like someone has died and I have that dread, sadness, emptyness.. I had it better in the last 2 years than my whole life and now it is comming to an end. Im so confused and don't know what to do.


I have alot of legal stuff coming up soon, I have just submitted a redress application as well as going though civil. I have been in hopsital 2 times over the last month. I have lost my licence and cars impounded. So much stuff to try and cope with.