Looking for people who share this experience

Hey @Isthatabanana ,

Welcome to the forums!

Let's just say, "Join the club/s!" You are TOTALLY not alone in experiencing the utter demands of life affecting every facet of recovery.

I can totally relate! In the past, I saw these demands separate to recovery, and in my head, I believed that if I didn't have these demands, I'd be able to heal 'better' or 'faster'. Lo and behold, that's NOT possible.

Life is life.

Life is demanding whether we like it or not.

The tide changed when I learnt to recognise that healing is about managing these demands. Managing them in a more proactive and helpful way. Not seeing them as 'issues' to get rid of, but finding ways to better manage and work with.

Not sure what you have tried in the past. Anything helpful that come to mind?

Remember, you are HUMAN. As much as we want to please everyone, boundaries are needed. It's about give and take.

I just want you to know - you are absolutely NOT alone 🙂

Hi @Isthatabanana

I'm in my 50s now now and only just started to try and deal with everything I've been really struggling with since very early childhood. The strange thing is the older I get, the more I have to look back on and the more I can see what all my issues have cost me over a long period of time. Not just cost me, but also how all that people pleasing and trying to always be there for everyone, always willing to help... all of it at the cost of my own healing never really made anything better. It never made anyone like me more or support me back when I needed it... it all now seems like such a wasted time and effort that I really should have spent on healing myself and learning to trust that i was good enough without having to neglect myself just to please others for all those many years. Most of those people I dont have contact with anymore so its all seems utterly pointless now.

So i am now working on myself while still trying to develop that trust in myself. To find new things I want to get out of life and to be a better partner myself. The one person I've had in my life that has been there for me when times got really tough, who stuck with me and accepted me for who I was without me having to pretend and always took my feelings into account. I want to heal and be better so I can feel like I'm returning all the love and support and trust she has shown me over the past 11 years.

Ive learnt that taking the time to heal ourselves and work on ourselves isn't selfish and the people who care for us wont feel slighted or neglected... they will be happy to help us knowing we will do the same for them.

It just seems to make a huge difference to start prioritizing ourselves more and as a result being it a better position to support those closest to us. Its a win - win. But its not easy, and it takes time to change a lifetime of doubts and behaviours. But with some effort and persistance, and some good support around us, it can start to snowball.

Hey @Isthatabanana,

Boy do I feel this.

Trust me, you’re not alone in feeling that way!

It almost feels like you’re constantly juggling priorities, and the more you focus on one the looming feeling that something else is going to drop just eats away at you.

I work a full time management job whilst also doing therapy for PTSD. There are days that I manage to balance the two… and then there are days where one of those juggling balls drops and I find I’m relying on uber eats, forgetting medication, the washing basket is a mountain and all I can do is sleep way too much.

First thing I recommend is don’t beat yourself up.
Most common folk don’t understand or severely underestimate how exhausting healing and working on your mental health can be.

Continue to love yourself and if you need a day to breathe and recover, take it.

Too often we masquerade and try to meet everyone’s demands, repress and keep going and going till you burn out and collapse beneath it all.

Second - take things one step at a time.

One day you can meal prep, next day you can do the washing.

By doing things in bite size pieces - I find I’m less daunted by my giant to do list.

One brick in a wall day by day is better than no bricks at all.

Of course, do what works and feels best for you.

Oddly I find watching YouTube videos on people’s productive vlogs gives me inspiration to get up and start picking away at daily chores.

That and a Starbucks matcha latte.

I commend you on being dedicated to healing and working thru your trauma.

That takes courage and persistence.

Much love and keep up the amazing work.

All the best.

P.S: For times when challenging thoughts get too much, I use skills I learnt in DBT - mainly distress tolerance and mindfulness skills!

Thanks for sharing @leafylady666 .

You've certainly names some very important points there. And thanks for the sharing the strategies that work for you!

Looking forward to seeing you around!

Hi @Isthatabanana - how are you today?

@MJG017

Hiya, thanks so much for sharing such great perspective on this. I didn't even think about what these efforts would mean for me in the future. I now notice it's very now now now based. The people pleasing especially. There's so much energy that goes into people pleasing for such little in return. I know I'm usually flipping myself out trying to make sure people around me are happy but I don't stop to think if they're making me happy. I also love the perspective on the people who care for us won't feel slighted or neglected if we're focusing on ourselves. I often think about their feelings more, even above my own. That's so helpful. I guess in that way the people who are feeling slighted or neglected will communicate with us and we can talk through it like adults. The people that don't you can't make them talk and doing so is exhausting on our part. Can't please everyone. It's literally impossible. Thanks so much for your wisdom and sharing your experience. I feel I have a lot to learn from people healing that are older than me. It sounds like your journey is bringing you so much more life back. I hope I can do the same.

Hi @Isthatabanana just a handy forums tip, when replying to another member it can be a good idea to tag them so they get notified of your response and are able to respond easily.

To tag you just type "@" and there will be a list of suggested usernames to choose from or you can start typing the username until the right one comes up. When you select the name you want to tag it will appear in blue like this @tyme @leafylady666 @MJG017 😊

Omg it feels so healing just to read your story and someone REALLY get's it. There is so much pressure to juggle priorities and it does lead to burn out in my own life. I feel like you've reached out and touched my heart by sharing the exact sentiment. I like what you meant by one brick at a time. I feel the demands that are placed on us and that we place ourselves are ridiculous and we can only do so much and get so much done. As long as we're doing something, what else can be asked for? Totally get what you mean about living on uber eats, and forgetting meds and stuff. That is usually how it goes for me. I love the youtube video and starbies idea! That's brilliant! I will definitely look into DBT. I've heard it's more helpful than CBT in trauma-related healing. Thank you so much for sharing. It really feels so healing that someone REALLY get's me. Thank you so much. I wish you the best on your journey!

hi @Isthatabanana, I'm glad you found my perspective helpful. I still remember when I used to do things just to please people and I remember how it felt like the right thing at the time... like there was no other choice. It's just a pity it took until my 50s to see that there were other choices, and far better ones. I sort of see it no like if you start handing free money out to people they'll be your best friends... if the free money stops, they'll disappear real quick.

Im sure you can heal yourself, the fact you're asking these questions now is a great sign that you're questioning yourself and that is always where it starts. Doubting your own doubts, asking questions, getting different perspectives and making those changes that make you happier. It's important to have the people around who want the same for you. Always remember to love yourself, trust yourself, and be kind to yourself... and those worth having in our lives life will be there with us. Take care and let us know how you're getting on... or even just for a chat.