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Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Sam120Casual Contributor23 Sept 2024, 11:00 am AEST

Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Hi I am 24yr female Sam,

I am in a relationship since past one year....and living in with my partner.. however it's has become a hassle for me to explain every single time how I feel about certain things he does.

1. He doesn't seem affectionate at all, but when it comes to saying mean things to me he is alright doing that.

2. He uses silent treatment whenever I raise an issue.

3. Recently we had our anniversary two weeks back. Even after knowing he doesn't remember I wasn't expecting anything. But when he got the gift from me. Even after that he didn't make any effort.

4. On contrary to this I find him way too much affectionate towards his mother and sister to such an extreme where I find him bragging about how good his sister looks, how well she has settled her career, how straight forward she is. I find this weird.

She is same age as me. But I don't find any effort from him for (his girlfriend)me.

Don't pass comments that its his family. I realize that.

But my problem is....that he knows how to treat women in his family and he can't listen anything bad about them.

But when it is about his girlfriend and whom he is living with....he has abused me when we had fights.....he makes fun of me , my family and when do the same...he is extremely offended. I have drawn boundary on this that do not say things about my family since beginning but he doesn't seem to care.

I see him talking about his sister that she likes to wear such clothes...such makeup....she liked getting clicked ....but he doesn't put an effort to notice anything about me...he never really did compliment me through the relationship.

I am on student visa here in Australia...I can't really settle down on this visa status...it takes time. But he brags too much.

He commented on how religious she is that she wakes up early morning to go to temple...and he taunted me for same. When he knows I work night shifts and it's difficult to even go out to buy groceries with such a tight schedule. He brags way too much about them.

I am getting bothered by this to a very extreme level.

I see him putting efforts of his family. But I don't see him doing much for his relationship.

Even after being committed. I don't feel that it's gonna work out in long run.

He says he is a mumma's boy. Earlier it wasnt that bad..but now I have even seen him talking to his mom early in morning.......the difference between Australia time and our home country is literally 5hrs. And it was 5:30am back in our country that time. He called early morning to bitch about someone.

I find all of this weird....

I find this weird that he is concerned about his sister... respectfully talks to her.....listen to her...share ideas about what dress she should buy......

And even shows me the dress to ask how it looks...but instead shares to his sister.

I raised this question...and he said I am trying to separate him from his family.

But my only question was.....you know how to put efforts for them....but you don't put efforts in your relationship.

3 replies

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In response to: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Ru-beeModerator23 Sept 2024, 11:25 am AEST

Re: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Hi @Sam120

I want to start with a quick welcome to the forums. I'm glad that you've been able to find this space to talk about what you're going through.

I hear throughout your post that you are upset, not because your partner shows care and attention to his sister and mother, but because it is clear that your partner is able to demonstrate this affection and seemingly chooses not to show it to you. So I can hear that from what you can see it's not that he is new to showing love or treating women in his life with care, it's not an issue of not knowing how to do this, but it's that he's not willing to put in the effort in your relationship.

I notice you mentioned that he can be abusive during arguments, has he ever made you feel physically unsafe?

It sounds as though in this relationship there is not an equal level of respect, as you've mentioned him making fun of you and speaking badly about your family, even after you have raised this as an issue with him. All of this form a person who is supposed to provide you with love and support would be extremely hurtful, and it is absolutely understandable that you are struggling to get past this.

While I'm aware that relationships are rarely all bad, and there are many reasons that we may stay with a partner, I'm curious what is currently keeping you in this relationship, particularly as you've mentioned doubting whether it will work in the long run?

Regardless of what you choose to do, we are here to support you.

I also just wanted to add that if you'd like some extra support and would like to talk to people who specialise in respectful relationships 1800Respect is a great resource.

P.S. I made a quick edit to your post as we don't use real names here on the forums, just our usernames to protect our anonymity, you can learn more about why by checking out our community guidelines

In response to: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

MJG017Senior Contributor23 Sept 2024, 5:17 pm AEST

Re: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Hi @Sam120. Firstly, welcome to the forum. The first little bit I read I thought he sounds a bit like me, because I've always struggled with showing affection with my partner as I've just never really trusted anyone that much in my life. She knows my issues and understand and know that I do try to get better with these things. So my initial thought was your partner may be just a bit like me. That was up until the 'however'. Everything past that just threw up red flags for me. As @Ru-bee suggested, it does sound like there is quite a respect imbalance here. To the point where it does sound like he is taking you for granted and not really showing you much respect at all.

Okay, he may be a mummy's boy, but that doesn't excuse ignoring and disrespecting your feelings. I think your last question about why doesn't he put the effort into his relationship is a very good one! As you say, he knows how so one would be left assuming the answer is that he doesn't want to. Either way, I think you need to sit down with him and give him sound boundaries if you want to continue. He needs to know that you deserve better and if he refuses to take your feelings into account then you're not going to accept that anymore. It all sounds a bit weird to me as well, it's hard to tell why he treats you so differently from the women in his family. But a relationship is a two way street and i really think he needs to be told to start realising that. Best of luck to you Sam,

In response to: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

MermaidHairSenior Contributor23 Sept 2024, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: Relationship anxiety and uncertainty

Hello @Sam120 and welcome to the forums community! I am glad you've found us and felt comfortable confiding about your partner and relationship.

I think your feelings are certainly warranted and it would not feel nice at all seeing him being so close and loving towards his mother and sister, but them somewhat cold and harsh towards you. You are right in feeling that is not how a relationship should be. You mention that you have tried to bring it to his attention but it seems it hasn't got anywhere and he responds in a defensive way.

I think you were asked a really good question to consider about what are the positives and what do you benefit from being in a relationship with this person?

Regardless of his reasons or motivations for acting this way, you deserve love and respect 💜

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