Family estrangement, dealing with feelings of rejection.

hello and hugs my sister @Healandlove

It's almost like my mum desperately wants to be loved by my sister --- maybe your mum has thought this throughout your sister`s life

but kind of forgets I am in fact the more caring daughter--- your mum knows you are the more caring daughter my sister xx

thinking that you are more stable than your sister

hear for you

@Shaz51 thank you my sister.

I sound very petty, don't I?

I am tired being there for everybody. But plans can quickly change to suit my sister. So feels like my parents have anxiety about loosing her.

I feel like I just need to be away from everyone. Find love and kindness in myself.

Not an option when you have kids.

You have to soldier on.

Hi @Healandlove. Yes, I've just gotten on and slowly getting used to the new layout.

I know it's like to be the 'good' child and be ignored and all the attention goes to the other child. I wonder if just being so available to help all the time just means your parents don't have to try with you to keep you around because they know they can rely on you, so they focus all the attention and priority on your sister out of fear of losing more contact with her.

I remember when my mum had a health scare when they told her she might have bowel cancer a couple of months ago. I had distanced my self earlier in the year from my family because I just didn't need the extra aggravation in my life. I got a phone call from my sister in law telling me I need to help out and support mum through this. I immediately had two thoughts... 1) What kind of person do you think I am? 2) Where have any of you been for the past 2 years while I've been fighting prostate cancer! I just reminded me why I distanced myself in the first place. I don't have any kids so obviously it's a lot easier for me to do. I understand your frustration and despair but it must be so much more difficult knowing you can't walk away.

To me, it sounds like your parents will always preference time with your sister rather than you because the feel they need to and that they don't need to do it with you because you're always there anyway. It puts you in such a difficult situation and that's really not fair for anyone to do that. Unfortunately, unless anyone make the attempt to be more aware and supportive of your situation, you get boxed into a lose-lose situation. Which so sadly, seems to be the domain of the 'good child' at lot of the time.

I understand what you mean by sometimes wishing for a heart of stone. It would make things so much easier just to be able to walk away without a care in the world. But you are a good and caring and generous person and you could never do that. If you weren't like that, this wouldn't be affecting you like it is. None of your situation is your fault. It's just the issues of people around you affecting you more than them, because you're the one that suffers because you are the one trying to be there for everyone and you're alone in that.

You could talk to you parents or your sister, but... and I can only assume based on the little I know, I'm guessing that you may well just get told you're being too sensitive or needy. Which all of us here know isn't true but it's how they will likely see it because of an inability to see things for outside their own perspective. Like I said, welcome to lose-lose. Like @Shaz51 suggested though, I think your mum does care about you but probably just sees you as not needing the attention your sister does. I guess it's up to you if you think talking to her more about this and how it's affecting you would help the situation in any way.

@MJG017 thank you for your thoughts my friend. You have a lot of wisdom and kindness.

I am sorry your family haven't been there for you the way they should. That would have been a very hard conversation to have with your sister in law but it sounds like you stuck to your boundaries so good for you!

It also sounds that distancing yourself from your family has helped your mental health.

My parents carry a lot of guilt about my sister. She threatened them.to cut ties a few years ago. I only found this out in 2022. My parents were good parents but they didn't put boundaries up with some toxic relatives. These family members impacted my sister and I. Around 13 years ago my sister confronted them about it and threatened to cut ties. She then "forgave" them. I didn't know any of this until after the recent family conflict. Although I agree they should have done something about this toxic relative I just can't hate them for it. I guess that's because I am empathetic and all their goodness outweighs this mistake.

So they fear loosing my sister very much whereas they take me for granted.

My sister has always demanded more attention. I know she would have preferred to have been an only child. She would fight with me as kids, make me cry for her enjoyment and every time I tried to talk about my feelings I would start to cry. She would then say in a mocking way "oh you are going to start crying now" . And the more I seeker her love and approval, the more she would push me away. It's really hurtful to remember 💔.

You say "None of your situation is your fault. It's just the issues of people around you affecting you more than them, because you're the one that suffers because you are the one trying to be there for everyone and you're alone in that." This is exactly right. And that's why many times I wish I could take my kids and walk away and let all of them sort out their issues without me. But I can't. My parents are good grandparents overall although yes they long for the love of my nephews because again they see my kids every day. My husband...I love him..but I am also tired of his cptsd. He loves the kids the way he can. They love him.

Perhaps in my imagination I can be far away.

I feel emotionally drained...I am tired of looking after everybody and no one looking after me.

And you are right in your thinking, talking won't help. My sister wouldn't take any responsibility for anything and would just blame everthing on my husband and my parents. My Dad says he is tired of everything too (he is a lot like me) and my Mum would side with my sister.

There's no point in talking about it to any of them. I can only accept I am in a loose:loose situation.Loving shouldn't be this hard. That saying that says, you give love you get love back...not sure I believe that. I have given love and worked towards a together family and all I got was kicked in the teeth. Ironic.

But thank you for listening and understanding where I am coming from.

🫂.

How are you feeling and how is your cancer support group going? How often do you meet?

Hi@Healandlove

I wouldn't say I set any boundaries with my SIL, I just got on with what I had to do with my mother and left it at that. I just felt it was very hypocritical and dismissive of my situation, but saw no point in causing any drama. I'll do what I feel is right for me to do and be satisfied I did the right thing and offered support when it was needed. Then go back to my own life.

Obviously I don't know your family very well, just what you've written about, but it does sound like your sister is very manipulative, especially with your parents. That resentfulness she felt with you when you were kids still seems to be there. Which is a bit sad. It does make you wonder about the issues she must be dealing with, but unfortunately directs it outwards to other people rather than deal with it. Like I said, I don't know any of them... it's just my impression. Unfortunately it's you that cops all the stress and pain.

Maybe you can find a place you enjoy... even if it's just in a nice spot in the yard and take some time during the week to just sit there and relax and forget everything for a short while. Even a short break every now and then from our worries can help a lot. But I do understand that you sister isn't the only source of concern so hopefully you can find some time just for yourself... or even just to enjoy some time with your kids.

As you said, you're tired from looking after everyone and of course you are... anyone in your position would be. That's why you need a little Healandlove time. If you don't look after yourself, then it just puts you in a worse position to look after others. So help them by helping yourself I guess is what i'm trying to say. It probably comes down what you can and cant control. Accepting the things you can't and focusing on the things you can, or at least can influence. It's not always easy, but none of us can fix everyone, it's hard enough to fix ourselves most of the time. Especially when we end up taking more than out share of the grief from the problems around us.

This week has been really good. Lots of support around me and having my interview published in the paper and getting to talk live on the news was quite an exciting thing to experience so doing well for the moment. The adoption support meeting went really well, and found out they have a support group for adoptees, so really looking forward to starting that. My cancer support group is going really well. We had out 4th meeting last week. We meet on the 2nd Thursday of every month. Only about half of us turned up, but all the others sent apologies... either kids or a bad flu that seemed to be going around. So that was unfortunate, but probably not surprising after the cold month or so we've had lately here.

Sorry again for all that you have to deal with, but you do have friends here for you.

@MJG017 I'm sorry I couldn't reply earlier.

Just finding the time to sit down and reply this week has been a struggle.

Well you sound like a kind and empathetic person so I know you would step in and help as needed. It is very sad that it's not reciprocated. That's how I feel with my sister too. We have to be there to help her but she doesn't really care about anyone much. Maybe a bit for my parents but that's about it. She was supposed to come over yesterday to visit my mum who is unwell but cancelled saying she had to help her husband with something...see...always them first. My Dad was upset about it and talked to me about it. I didn't say much. I'm tired. I just listened with empathy. I did make sure they had a nice dinner though so my mum didn't have to cook for the 2 of them.

I think meditation would be good for me to help me cope with all this but again finding the time at this stage it's hard. I have to get myself more organised somehow.

I think it's wonderful that you are part of these support groups. Feeling heard and understood is so healing. You can also hear other's stories and this can help to put your own story in prespective.

There is beauty and goodness in this world. There are good people out there.

And congratulations on being published! That's awesome! It it weren't for the anonymity thing I would be asking to read it. What was the interview about? Your journey with cancer?

"It's not always easy, but none of us can fix everyone, it's hard enough to fix ourselves most of the time. Especially when we end up taking more than out share of the grief from the problems around us" yes, I know this is very true. This is the approach I'm taking with my husband as well. I'm here to support him but I can't make things better for him. It's up to him how much work he wants to do on himself. Hopefully he continues his therapy and works on himself. And i am trying to make peace that I was never meant to be my sister's sibling. I will always love her and wish her the best but I know i am not important in her life.

Keep on going with your support groups!

Do you have plans for the weekend?

I'm hoping to spend time with the kids and our doggy. Plus all the boring but necessary things. Cleaning, doing the washing etc.

Thank you for you support. I'm always here too.

🥰🫂

@HealandloveIt's been a bit of a crazy week myself. I've gotten so far behind in catching up on some of the threads here due to just not having much time, but i'm slowly catching back up.

Well ask no more 🙂 I showed a slightly edited version of my article here to someone already.

https://lifeline.saneforums.org/t5/Welcome-and-getting-started/Depression-anxiety/m-p/1555094/highlight/true#M19597

It was weird. The original online version had the headline 'living 3 months at a time', which is what I said, but the print version changed it to 'week by week'. So a bit of artistic license I guess. 😁 It would give you the link to the live TV bit I did on Wednesday, but that's a bit harder to edit.

I think it happens a lot when people know someone who is always there to help and support, it becomes so.. almost expected, after a while that people don't notice or appreciate it anymore. Like if you see an amazing sunset, you look at it and go 'Wow, what a beautiful sight' and stand there and admire it for a while. If they had an equally amazing sunset every day, then after a while it just doesn't get noticed anymore... it's become the norm.

So I'm sure your parents do really appreciate everything you do for them and all the effort you put in, but it's like you've become that beautiful and amazing sunset that happens every day. Plus your sister does seem to know exactly how to keep them at enough of a distance to keep them always feeling like they need to focus on her. So i think for your parents, it's more of needing to give their attention to your sister than ignoring you. But I do really understand how even if this is he case, a little word every now and then to say how much they recognise your efforts would go a long way. But like I said, i'm sure they are aware of everything you do.

A lot of people have recommended 'mindfulness' to me. It isn't really my thing but so many people say it helps them so much. It's sort of like breathing and meditation I guess. You may want to look it up if you're not aware of it. I seem to be the only one who hasn't heard of it.

Youre right of course that none of us can fix everyone. They have to decide that for themselves. We can only encourage it so much. All we can do is be there for them when they do decide to want help. Not everyone does that though, and sometimes by the time they do decide, they've pushed people away. Hopefully you husband does keep up with his therapy and continues to improve... both from himself and for you and the kids.

Just another quiet weekend here for me. I'm about to head off to the gym so I'm sure there were other things I had to write about and i'll probably think of them while i'm peddling away 😃 So there may be an addition when I get back. I hope you have a good weekend yourself and get that time with the kids and the dogs. Hopefully the weather is good and a nice walk may be possible for all of you.

Take care of yourself and talk to you soon. 🫂

@MJG017 thank you for sharing your article! I couldn't read anything because of the pixelation 😂 but your edited picture is very nice. A smiling emoji!

How are you today?

Sending healing 🫂 hugs!

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@Healandlove wrote:

@MJG017 thank you for sharing your article! I couldn't read anything because of the pixelation 😂 but your edited picture is very nice. A smiling emoji!

How are you today?

Sending healing 🫂 hugs!

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@Healandlove You should be able to click on the picture to zoom in and read it... I can, but i'm on desktop PC so that probably makes it easier.

I'm doing okay... another busy day. It was my partner's birthday today and she decided to work from home. It was also some nice weather finally, so I got to do some outside stuff it's been too wet and cold for. Tomorrow is a couple of appointments and a birthday dinner with her family so not much rest tomorrow either. It all keeps my mind distracted but it is starting to get to be a lot. Even juggling all these meeting and appointment times is starting to become a part time job in itself! 😁

I hope you're doing okay as well. ❤️

edit: I do have a text version of the article if you want to read it but can't from the image.