I'm sorry

hello @pip @Appleblossom @BlueBay @Shaz51 @Decadian

I liked the way you explained how you found yourself, the real you. That resonated very strongly with me. I had two abusive relationships, my marriage first then years later a very clever, manipulative narcissist.

Finally I met someone who allows me to be me. It has taken a long time for me to get here. I have been through the wars and back. Much has happened and affected me. I had PTSD after an incident that triggered all of the abuse over the years that I had buried deeply. PTSD has finally gone, depression and anxiety still fighting over me, which one is in charge!

son issue set me back terribly. slowly working through that.

last night i felt nauseous and had a headache. Some triggers. I have second appointment with psychologist this afternoon helping me better understand and get through, son's ordeal and have an understanding of his illness. First appointment she asked about my life. 2 hours later after she kept probing. time way over, i burst into sobbing, i hadn't learnt a thing about his illness. I needed to take something away with me. she just said breathing and demonstrated what i already knew but had totally forgotten about.

so last night couldnt eat proper meal, took a while to get to sleep regardless of medication. Now am anxious about appointment.

Why? It means I have to go to the place next to my heart, where I have been holding my son. I am so frightened that I am going to fall apart into tiny pieces, one huge mess. I am so sorry to be writing this because there are others whom i have been responding to who are hurting so much. Now the tears are flowing and my husband has told me to get off the computer.

I promise I will write again after my appointment. Im not sure if that will be tonight or tomorrow night.

Please do not worry about me. I think that a few of us feeling so deeply, could also be a carry over from the holiday break where our support lines were stopped. For me I went from 4 people supporting me to none. My psychiatrist is back and I have had a few appointments with him. it is just this one today that worries me.

oh well be in the moment as i keep telling others, the appointment will come and go, then tomorrow will be here before I know and tomorrow, today will be yesterday.

xxxxxxx

---

mohill wrote

I believe that I am a free spirit, who cannot be labelled, boxed, who appears differently to every person who has met me.

---

Hi @Former-Member

I am also a free spirit and I know I appear differently to every person who has met me and

Why not?

I totally understand that statement - if I am out with one person I know and meet another person I know I struggle with an instant personality-change in the street or the shopping centre or wherever because I get I expose the side of me that is appropriate to the company I am with

That's one-to-one - I am a gregarious person who lives alone with my cat - I saw dd on Wednesday and had business with the pharmacist about my medication - etc - but I haven't spoken to anyone but the cat since then - but this is me and I am okay with it

When I meet dd's large family I get out my one-size-fits-all persona - and this is fine too

It's really okay to be this way as long as we never lose sight of this truth - we never lose sight of ourselves - all the different personae are not different from the whole "us" - we just behave differently with different people - sensitive to them as well as ourselves

Dec

I value your company too @Appleblossom

I have lived alone so long I rarely feel lonely - now and again yes - but mostly isolated and that's because of my spine and chronic pain rather than any psychological reason

I have learned to live with it - but spending a few hours on a public holiday with a series of hot packs watching movies was not the best fun I ever had - true

But don't stop using your long words - I enjoy them - I love words - I collect them

Dec

hello @Decadian @BlueBay @Former-Member@Former-Member @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @pip @PeppiPatty @Appleblossom @Former-Member @Change123 @perseverer and please help me out here with the names i have forgotten . i do not want to disclude anyone.

thank you all this wonderful group of warm, caring, compassionate people I have conversed with on here.

I have been told by my psychologist helping me with my son re schizophrenia, that I must cull back on here. She has worked out that I take on other people's pain. she is good. She has discussed some strategies and physical things i can do re depersonalisation, peripheral vision, breathing, speech and so on.

So I was told twice quite distinctly not too much time on here, not talking to too many people and stick with one main subject.

this is easier said than done.

I came on here originally to find help, knowledge, understanding, experience, compassion, love, care for people with serious mental illnesses. There are so many. I am overwhelmed. How can I separate? How can I eliminate? I cant.

I dont know how to do this.

suggestions please

decadian i love what you wrote. i want to practise that. i am fragmented at the moment and isolate myself a lot so it takes all of my energy to just smile and be present at family gatherings and occasional friend groups. i will try.

Do what feels right for you @Former-Member

I need to limit myself on the forum too.

Rather than chatting to one prerson or staying on a subject or thread. I need to limit it by time.

Your story resonated a lot with me when I was dealing with my brother and sister in distress. You had a very loving way of expressing yourself.

Thank you. Good night. Take care.

@Former-Member

I totally understand what you are saying. I feel that sometimes I need to just 'break away' for a while from the forum because i can't take in everyone's stories,. not that i don't want to but it's just that i can't keep up to date with everything going on.

I truly understand. I hope you take the time out and spend the time healing through your journey. I wish you well and hopefully one day you will be able to come back to us. Thank you for chatting to me recently and supporting me.

Love and hugs to you @Former-Member

Bluebay xxooo

@Former-Member I hear you with this. I have talked with my therapist about it before but we haven't ever made a plan as such. I am currently going through the same process as you...trying to work out what works best for me. I don't know the answer yet. I think for me it will be a bit like @Appleblossom said and be more about setting time limits. I think I will also have to learn to be more aware of what discussions are pulling me in unhelpful directions. It has been a really heavy week on the forum too so please bear in mind that can fluctuate too. I'm sorry I have no answers but you are not alone in this predicament. Sending hugs. 💜🤗

Hi @Former-Member ..... 😊💕

It is difficult when you have an emapthetic nature ... it leads you to want to be there for everyone. I guess one of the primary things to remember about the forums is this -

The mods are here as supports and counsellors, and they have a team that watches over everybody, so we are not "dropping the ball" if we don't see to someone on the forums .... there is a giant team of people here working together.

And the beauty in that is that we all have our strengths and vulnerabilities. Sharing our life stories and experiences, our mi influences, our compassion and personalities, allows us to lean on, learn and grow from each other, but as an entire microcosm. You need to maintain that global perspective.

Its okay to only engage with some threads. Some people only stay on "their own" - one that they have opened to share their struggles on and are unwilling, or feel unable, to take on anything more than that. Others stick to social threads and their chatty interactions help them, and others, face the day.

There are so many brands of okay here, please don't feel that you have to try to stretch to cover it all.

I hope this helps .... ❤️

I love reading what you post btw .... you're a gem @Former-Member, and we are lucky to have you here.

Dear @Former-Member

as usual...I never saw this thread until now.....reading a bit of it.....wha ta varied amount of answers and care .....all great and caring and full....all different......

Oops.....just a tic.....Hi @Appleblossom ! I've wondered where you were !

Hi @BlueBay....we have met havent we ?

Hi @Former-Member.....always good to see you... how are you ? Hows the weekend looking ? I've just arrived in holiday to my FIL's home.....you can feel the stress falling off you the further you get away from your home......

It's good that you are making decisions about how much you can cope with on the forums......I usually get on it to give myself 5 minutes peace.....

The messages I like are everyones...everyone knows what I think about @Appleblossom....her life has been something I can't even comprehend ...if she can get some care from a message... I smile softely to myself.

But @Faith-and-Hope and @Decadian......great messages.... I really like how thorough you are @Faith-and-Hope. I'm not saying that everyone elses were boring or anything but how @Faith-and-Hope is able to write about your empathy to me is exactly what the Psychologist was talking about.

In that when your fragile and vulnerable, it's easy to get into that mode of caring too much......

In my years of...being married to my soulmate, two sons with all their sad sad issues..... I've had to learn how to take care of myself. It can get really difficult because :

I'm empathetic and will stretch myself right now if you need me ok ?

My darling husband is more intelligent than me so even though i am his fulltime carer... he just needs to see someone who visits me and he tells me this person is not good for you.... we start arguing for the whole day....we go to bed and give each other a back rub and we apologise.....I go to see my Psychotherapist with him....I tell her this is what happened and guess what ? She says, PeppiPatty, this person will suck the life out of you. If you do not engage, she will wander away and you cannot have this person in your life..........

What @Faith-and-Hope writes to me is a very good overall summary of being on Sane Forums. We are not going anywhere but we know that though there are very few people who are like you, we want you to be the best that you can be. Your heart needs mending. Your son needs exploring.

Now as I write this, a photograph that was posted of my 26 year old son yesterday on Facebook comes to my mind. There he is. He's wearing a t-shirt I would love to purchase for him!! He is with a large group of friends. He is sitting down, his arms are crossed. I look into his eyes and I can see uncertainty. His head is not quite straight on his neck, held up on his shoulders. His lips do not look straight.

I know that he is not on medication. He has told me what he is going through.

But I texted him and today he texted back for me to call him on Sunday. My prayers and my slightly bent heart is waiting this to happen for you @Former-Member.

Please write soon on how you are and what is hapening. I am, @Decadin is @Faith-and-Hope is @BlueBay @Appleblossom @Appleblossom @Shaz51 is wanting this for you.

PP x