wild_roseSenior Contributor
It's Been A Long Time
Since my last post almost 2 years ago much has changed...\
I am going to add in a Trigger Warning here, as I will be mentioning previous Domestic Violence and Death, so if you're feeling particularly vulnerable to that sort of stuff at the moment you can avoid reading any further on.
A few years ago, I wrote about my ex and how his actions lead me to end up being admitted in a Psychiatric facility for just over 2 weeks.
It has been a long road, I finally learned that what happened to me was a form of Domestic Violence, not physical but verbal, psychological and sometimes bordering on sexual.
My story is much like other people who have found themselves in that situation, at the time I couldn't recognise it as it was never physical, which makes it harder to recognise.
I was often pressured to perform and when I wasn't in the mood, my libido was always thrown in my face, he would demand to know why and why I wouldn't give in to him. He told me that lacking a sex drive made me broken and that I shouldn't have been surprised when he cheated, in fact I should expect it and had no right to be upset about it, because he has his needs and if I wasn't fulfilling them then it was on me.
I also later learned that he has wanted to end it for years before it was finally over, but told me he didn't because he didn't want to end up homeless or unable to pay the rent, he basically only kept me around to pay the rent and bills, essentially for years he used me for the income I brought into the household to fund his lifestyle.
Through therapy, a lot of support and an amazing fiance I now have I have come to realise that this treatment of me was unacceptable, it was gaslighting and a form of abuse but despite it all, I have managed to overcome these past traumas and start living the life I always knew deep down I deserved. I'm engaged to a wonderful, loyal man, who I knew for 20 years first and has always supported me during some of the darkest times of my life.
But it hasn't always been easy, 10 months ago, life threw another cruel twist my way. My Mum was diagnosed with cancer and a month later I got the life shattering news that my best friend, and one of my biggest supports had succumb to the cancer and passed.
This has and still does affect me greatly, I feel guilt because while she was in hospital the last week or two, I put off visiting her because COVID was going around my work and I didn't want to possibly expose her to it. I had plans on finally surprising her one Saturday, when the outbreak was over, but that Friday night I got the call.
I think of her every day, losing her doesn't get any easier and the events of that night still haunt me, that last time I saw her, that last hug, I wish I had have known I would've held her for longer, I still remember that day, then my mind wanders to that night when I saw her for the final time, that memory I can't get out my head, the very last memory I have of her... gone.
I hate that she is no longer here. I try to be strong for my Dad (step) I know he feels losing her deeply too and I make sure he is looking after himself and do my best to take care of him like I know my Mum would've wanted, but it's hard living now that I live 4 hours away. I moved only 3 months before she passed and often I wish that I had've stayed up that way a little longer. More than anything I just wish I could here her voice again, just one last conversation.
I would thank her for helping to shape me into the woman I have become, that my strength and resilience I got from her and that if it weren't for her I I wouldn't be half the person I am today. Loss like this I expect doesn't ever truly heal, I know one day I will learn to live with it, but for now I still grieve her loss deeply
