Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder

Hi @Lilly15 and welcome to the forums.

I'm so glad that you've found this space to add to your already solid-sounding support network.

It can feel quite overwhelming when we find a name for what you've been observing/experiencing for so long. While it can help us better understand what's happening, and diagnosis can be a great step towards recovery, it can also be scary to use these labels for someone that we love.

Do you think your mother would ever seek support or perhaps diagnosis?

While I don't have experience with BPD myself, I know that there are a lot of forums members with lived experience themselves, or through supporting a loved one with BPD. I look forward to seeing any guidance or support I'm sure they'll be able to offer when they come across your post.

Thanks so much for sharing here, I hope that this can be a safe space for you to feel supported as you continue to work through this

I have bpd it IS HARD IN ALL ASPECTS ..EXCAMPLE ..MOOD CHANGES WE ARE LIKE THE WIND WE CHANGE .GET SAD CRY DEPPRESSED FOR NO REASON. ANGER YES ..LASH OUT YES..BPD IS SO HARD FOR US TO LIVE WITH ..MY EMOTIONS ARE EVERY WHERE ..WE TEY OUR BEST BUT ITS SO HARD ..THE PAIN IS WITH US 24 7 ..WE ARE KIND CARING PEOPLE ..BUT SOME ONE WHO HASNT GOT IT WILL FIND THEM SELVES CONFUSED ..SUPPORT IS NEEDED FOR WHO EVER IS LIVING OR CARING FOR SOME ONE WITH BPD ..THEN THEY WILL KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT..MY CHILDREN WELL 2 OF THEM CANT HANDLE ME OTHER DAUGHTER HAS BPD WE CLASH .DONT SEE MUCH OF MY KIDS ALL GROWN UP SAID IM TO MUCH IT HURTS ME BUT I ACCEPT IT ...

Hi @Lilly15

Welcome to the forums 🙂

Feel free to have a look at some of the resources below, hopefully some of them will be helpful for you. It's not easy setting boundaries with family and changing long-standing patterns, so well done! It's really understandable to feel a bit overwhelmed when the puzzle pieces fall into place. I think the main thing is to be proud of yourself for being compassionate and for respecting your own needs at the same time. It can be a learning curve, so go easy on yourself.

BPD Australia provide support for family and carers.

helpful tips for friends and families with challenging relationships

Ultimately, learning new skills can only work to improve family cultures and our own mental health. It may not feel great right now, but hopefully you will be able to feel the silver lining as time goes by 🙂

Have you noticed any change in the way you are relating to each other yet?

Hi @Lilly15,

Thank you for sharing with us and welcome to the Forum 🙂

I'm sorry to hear that you've had so much weighing on your shoulders and that you have such a strained relationship with your mother.

That's great that you're happy with how your therapy is going, it's such a good feeling when we find the right people.

It sounds like moving away was a really good decision for you and that creating some healthy boundaries would be beneficial.

If you feel you need some extra support, then you did well in reaching out here. It's a lovely community full of kind and understanding people, so I hope that you feel welcome here.

I'd be more than happy to provide you with some different support services and resources, if you'd like? Just let me know.

There is also SANE's Support Line 1800 187 263 which is available Monday to Friday 10am - 8pm, and they may be able to help provide some advice and support to you right now.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Take care.

hi @Lilly15 I can see this was posted about month ago but I thought I'd reach out and respond, I'm new here myself.

I also think my mum has BPD, not been diagnosed herself but both my sister and I have been told (independently) by mental health professionals that we present as adult children of parents with BPD.

In my case I think my sister has it too so I can commiserate when you say it's hard to love your mother. They make it really hard to be loved! From everything I've read about BPD (they are also generally emotionally immature people so highly recommend the books by Lindsay Gibson) they have intense fear of abandonment and the way they communicate this is to lash out at the people they care about most.

I've grieved the mother I deserved as a child and the only way I can maintain a relationship with mine is to see her for the flawed person that she is. I know she did the best that she could with the limited tools she had and at the same time, I know rationally that my sister and I were emotionally neglected. I limit my interactions with her and like you am working on boundaries, physically we don't live as far as a different state but we're not neighbours.

She does enjoy seeing my son (I'm also about to have a second) and accept what help she offers (a few hours every weekend or so since she is a very busy woman). However, she is unable to relate to me as a fellow adult and treats my sister and I like we're still children (again typical of an emotionally immature person). She has been better lately but does emotionally coerce (guilt trip, shame) when she doesn't get her way and becomes irrational with her arguments to make you feel bad about not acquiescing (with either an opinion or an expectation she has of us).

It's a hard and difficult thing to maintain a relationship with a person who has BPD and I wish you the best of luck with therapy. Even outside of therapy you will need to keep going back to those tools.

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Very well said @Hill12

Firstly, welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your learnings here.

What has really struck me in your post is the power that can come from understanding and being able to put a name to a feeling or an experience. It doesn't resolve the feeling or undo the experience, but it gives us words to explain what we've been through and it can be a big step towards recovery.

It sounds as though you have gained really valuable insights into the way your experiences have shaped your responses and are able to use this to influence your decisions and curb those more impulsive responses that may not be serving you.

It's lovely to have you here on the forums, thank you again for sharing

Hi and thank you everyone so much for sharing your experience!

I don't know if this makes sense but I feel like "Thank God! I am not crazy for feeling and thinking the way I do". I feel like telling my husband, my father and so many people: See there are so many daughters struggling like me and the impact of a mother with BPD is so bad and so complicated and so hard!

I am currently struggling so bad with my relationship with my mother, have felt the need to block her on watsapp twice already. We live in different countries. The first time I blocked her to protect myself and draw boundaries, I felt so depressed and guilty that maybe I am the worst daughter in the world but I had to do it to protect my mental health for the sake of my daughter who watches me break down every time my mother 'attacks' me. However I kept making an effort because of her love for her three grandchildren, and after an argument yesterday and she told me to "not attend her funeral when she dies", I broke down mentally, lashed at my husband, took a phenergen and now feel numb. I feel like blocking her is healthy for me but I always end up feeling bad for the grandkids not able to talk to her and I unblock and the cycle repeats.

Thank you @Hill12 for explaining how we have been affected by our mothers who suffered from complex mental health issues and did not get treatment. I think it is very hard for me to even accept that I am "emotionally deranged". But I do realise it sometimes. I don't know why it is so hard to be the "wrong" one. Lately I have been fighting so much with my husband after going through a traumatic year last year with him but I can't seem to be able to "forgive and move on". I go through exactly what you described, I explode because I feel he doesn't love me when he does and I have been reacting so bad and traumatising my children. And my worst fear and realisation is I am becoming like my mother and I hate it.

That's why I am here. That's why I am going to try new forms of treatment. It is so hard to break this generational cycle. I always kept talking to my partner about these issues but he just doesn't get it. I needed to be around people who get me, who are going through exactly what I am going through so atleast I don't feel "crazy"! I was fighting with myself so much that what the hell is wrong with me. My mental health keeps deteriorating. Is there no way out of this? For the past 10 years I have been working on my mental health and I feel like giving up with the set back since last year but my three innocent beautiful children keep being the reason I want to fight so i keep finding ways to get help.

I have damaged my beautiful relationship with my husband because I am emotionally deranged. Like you said, I don't even think I should trust my judgement but then I feel lost, I feel truly lost even I can't know what is right from wrong what should I do? But I guess being aware is the most important step in getting better. Thanks to you I can accept I am emotionally deranged and I will now work on finding ways to help myself. Please do share if there is anyone who has suffered from the same experiences, what helps you in different situations where you are triggered badly? the impulse control, the feeling of emptiness, of being loss,..... how to heal while still dealing with such a mother...